Do You Accept The Offer?

Yesterday, I received the phone call that I had really wanted and not wanted to have.   The company in London, England had made their offer and the recruiting company wanted to discuss it with me. I wasn’t sure what to expect and I had never been in a position to really decide what I wanted to make as a social worker.

So at 9am(my time) and 2:00pm(London time), I was on the phone with a nice sounding British man who told me that his father is originally from Ontario, only an hour away from where I live.  He was pleasant and asked about the weather and told me that it was a bit chilly in London that day.

Then we got to the meat of the conversation…what was this company willing to pay me to relocate to London. So, the base salary is more than I make now. hallelujah! It seems that I can pay my rent.  Also, there are some great incentives such as money when I arrive, money for every year I stay with the company and then an additional market supplement.  Amen! I can travel Europe.

On top of all that awesome money, is the fact I get reimbursed for all expenses incurred to move there. It’s hard to pass up an opportunity like this.

I have been disillusioned by the Canadian system for quite some time.  Tonight I received an email from a company I applied to, telling me that after reviewing my resume they have decided that I don’t qualify for the position I applied for.  I kind of smiled to myself and thought, they never met me and gave me a fair chance to market myself, but they have already decided I did not meet their criteria. However, how polite of them to send me an email rejecting me.

Oh well, off to England I go! At least there my four-year degree and my experience seems to be respected and needed.  I going to become part of a team who will develop a new program of working with children and families.  I am pretty excited to get going with this move and start putting my skills and knowledge to work.

 

You guessed it….OMG! I am going to England

On Friday I interviewed for a job in London, England.  Yesterday, my recruitment agency told me that they want to give me the job offer and are working on the final details

What a roller coaster of emotions.  One minute I can’t wait to escape my life here and have a fresh start and the next minute I am so afraid to leave the life I know. It’s been a back and forth of should I shouldn’t I. What are the good and bad points of leaving for England?  And what are the good and bad points of staying in Canada?   It’s really a tough decision, because you can’t really know what leaving will be like until you leave.

London is very expensive to live, the cost of renting is ridiculously high.  I think I can afford only a 2 bedroom apartment, give the kids the rooms and have a pull out futon for myself.  I guess I won’t be having any adult sleepovers at my place in England.

Apparently, everything is expensive in London and it takes only 6-12 months for one to adjust to the standard of living. You learn to live within your means. I just can’t picture this so called adjustment as of yet, but if I go over there, I will have no choice but to adjust…quickly.

It’s not expensive to ship my items to the UK.  I won’t be taking any furniture or appliances, just the basics- books, pictures, things that can’t be replaced.  I received two quotes and they seem reasonable.

OMG, I may be going to England!

I mean, I want to go to England because it would be great for my career advancement.  I appreciate the fact that my degree means something abroad and it makes me sad that in my home country, my degree is more or less toilet paper.

But with all that career advancement aside, I will be 5.5 hours away from Paris, a place that I believed was only in my dreams.  But as I sit here and write this out, it no longer seems impossible.  So, I want to jump on a plane with my two little kids and go work with vulnerable children, travel Europe with my kids, learn about a new culture and have life experiences I will never forget.

I have been obsessed with knowing everything I can about living in London and how to make this transition easy for myself and my children.  I joined a bunch of groups on Facebook and have been chatting with a few ladies who are expat’s.  One lady is going to take pictures of the borough I will be working in, so that I can see what it looks like.  She has even offered for me to stay at her house if I have time to make a quick visit to London, before I actually move there….community already.

I already know which areas to stay away from as crime is a problem….apparently social workers are needed in the United Kingdom.  I still have to grasp the importance of where you live as it your child’s education depends on it.

OMG I am going to England??!!!

As for now, await the details of my job offer…I picked up three passport applications today.

OMG, I am going to England!!

I will keep you updated with how my relocation goes.

Cheers!

How Long Will This Be?

When the hell am I going to get another job?  Oh yeah, I am suppose to stay positive throughout all this unemployment crap.  I am bored to death.  I mean, I am so tired of looking for a J.O.B. I want a career.  I want something that is going to prevent me from being in this position again because it pretty much sucks.  Also, its pretty darn stressful not knowing when you will find the right employer than you want to give your all to.

But I am going to stay positive.  The right career will appear at the right time at the right moment for me.  How about f’ing now since I need to pay some darn bills…. and go shopping

 

Without my consent…jobless

I lost my job on Friday.  Something about cut backs and no funding.  I was never content nor was I happy punching numbers into a computer all day.  It was time to go and they could see and so could I.

I applied for a job today which is really far from where I live.  I am keeping my options open to the possibilities that surround me.  I know I should be scared to have no job, but I am welcoming the time off to rejuvenate for the next step in my career.

Well, I am off to make bacon and spinach Quiche and to finish crocheting my daughter’s blanket.

I know it’s been awhile but I was inspired by an email one of my blog readers sent me this morning.

Thank you for reminding me.

Thanatophobia

My deepest fear is dying

Any kind of death scares me

I don’t ever want to die

Although, I know that I must die

One day

When I am in my 90’s

When I have lived and loved

But don’t keep me alive on life support because you feel bad to let me go

Just do it, I want you to

I don’t want you to remember me this way

I don’t want to forget you as I drift off to paradise because you wanted me to hang on

I am just afraid of dying

So cover my eyes as I go

 

 

I won’t give up

After 15 months I am still grieving the loss of my relationship.  It sucks!

I was told by someone who said that  it will take me eight more years to get over my relationship. Eight more years of thinking about what would have been.  Eight more years of having memories just snoop in and take control.  Eight more years of looking back, analyzing, criticizing and reliving every moment like it was yesterday.  Eight more of this torture?  I can live without that.

I have lost so much through this separation. I have lost family members, sister in-laws, nieces, aunts and parents. I have lost the opportunity to attend weddings, family reunions and showers.  I haven’t just lost my ex, but I have lost every other person that he was connected to by blood or otherwise.

I don’t think we are ever prepared to lose people we love.  Furthermore, we are never prepared to lose the people who have tagged along into our lives alongside this person.  When someone we love dies, we can grieve that loss, say good-bye and try to function as best as we can. We have to go on because we know that this what this person would have wanted from us.

But, when you lose someone through a divorce or separation, the grieving process seems to never end.  You may have to see this person when you exchange your children, or in court or in the mall.  It seems that everywhere you go, there are memories that you must deal with.  Are they now taking their new beau to the same restaurant they took you to? The constant fear of running into them looms behind you as you don’t know the separated person’s etiquette yet.

At times you wish that they would drop off the face of the earth.  No, I am not talking about anything illegal.  It just would seem easier if only one of you still existed separately because learning to transition as a sole person when you were a couple for decades is so difficult.

It just seems unfair that you must go through the process of learning to let go of someone who let go of you before you even realized. You are playing catch up and you are in dead last and this person is already at the finish line. You just wonder, how did this person get so far ahead of you?

When you see them, they seem so happy and you can’t understand how they can look so happy when inside you are falling apart.  How is it that they can get out of bed every day, or how is it that they can smile and move on, when you are clinging to yesterday.

You want to smash them upside the head and yell “How can you be so happy at this devastation that is our life?”  You want to take them by the shoulders and shake them and yell at them and make them listen to you. But you don’t say anything because if you even open your mouth you know that you will fall to pieces.

I often imagine what it would be like if my ex asked to come back home.  How will I respond in that moment?  Will I trust him if he came back? Will we act the same towards each other?  I can’t even imagine that day because it seems so far out of reach.  I don’t know what it would feel like to have him home. I don’t even think he wants to come home and that is the saddest part.

I am not sure if I still love him or is it what he represented that I love so much. Most days, I am not sure how I feel at all. What I do know is that I want my children to be raised by both parents. I am not sure at what costs this would happen.

Everyone tells me that once a cheater always a cheater. That a leopard never changes his spots and that I am better off never entertaining the idea of returning to a relationship with my ex. All, this is great advice and I listen to what I am told. I respect other people’s opinion on this matter because sometimes we make foolish decisions when only our hearts are thinking.

I am no way near going back to my ex. We currently do not like each other. This is what I tell him, so that he does not catch on to how much I do miss him. I lie to him because I do not trust him to not manipulate me to get his way in court or out of child support. He is after all the devil.

Maybe at the end of the day, it’s in my best interest to entirely let go and move forward. But how do you do that when once upon a time, you found the next best thing?

Third Time’s A Charm

Is this my voice?

Did you hear the news?  Yeah, they are saying that awesome festival, the one that I love to go to, will be cancelled. You know, the one that generates the most tourism, the ones the kids love and the one that parents can afford to pay for? Yeah….gone!

I think it’s all bullshit.  I like how they take money away from shit that people actually love and put it towards stuff that will be useless. Who thinks about these things? Who makes the big decisions?

This city is run by a bunch of clowns.  This city is so backwards!  That was the best festival that I had been to.  Not even sure what they were thinking with that bright idea.  This is so annoying I just don’t understand how people think that this is a good idea for our city.

I just can’t wait to move from here.   I just don’t get it.  Yeah, let’s take money from the arts, something that will inspire kids and let’s invest it in adding more flags to a run down bridge.  Yeah makes sense.

 

 

 

ENOUGH

Dear Enough:

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and how much your life has changed over the last year.  It is what it is.  Embrace it. Enough!

Don’t settle for bad men or men who don’t value your woman-ness.  Don’t wait for them to get it.  Some may never figure out how wonderful you are.  But what happens to you while your waiting for them to get it?  Nothing.  Enough!

Cease fighting in court about who screwed who over more financially.  Come to some agreement and move on. Whining, crying and being bitter is not going to change things or make things better.  It actually hurts your heart to stay angry at someone who you once loved.  So what if they are still angry at you?  None of that is your business.  You have children to raise and a wonderful life to live. Don’t give it all away in legal fees. Enough!

Stop reminiscing about the past and what should have been or what should have happened.  It didn’t and it sure doesn’t mean your life is over.  Love the fact that you had the opportunity to fall in love and be loved.  Yes, the two of you are no longer together but it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t worth the time you had together.  With every love story, comes heart ache.  Some people stay together and some don’t. Maybe its over.  Maybe it’s not.  Maybe you will get back together and all of this won’t matter.  But you can’t get to that point, if your still living in the past.  Enough!

Stop being fearful about your journey that is in front of you.  What is there to be fearful of?  There are so many cool people you can meet, places to see, homes to live in, cities to dance in.  Stop, holding your heart and life out for the perfect love, or the one person who won’t hurt you.  People hurt people.  It’s not always intentional.  Forgive.  Enough!

Please fall in love again.  Find a wonderful man.  Maybe it’s the ex or maybe it’s not.  Just do it.  It feels good and you will love yourself for it.

Live, laugh out loud, drive with the window open, learn to swim, make a fancy meal in pajama’s, save for your house.  Just go out there and don’t be afraid of falling or failing.  All great people fall once in their life.  Ask them!

And above all things.  Learn to forgive, it will do your soul greatness.

Pingback: To whom it may concern

We Should have been Eighty

I met my ex when I was twenty five years old through a mutual friend who thought that we would be the perfect couple. I don’t know if we were the perfect couple, but we were perfect for each other for the time we shared.

From the moment we met we were inseparable. We grew up together and most of our life experiences and mistakes were a team effort. I always knew that no matter what was happening outside the walls of our home, there was always a soft place I could fall back on.

I remember the first day I met him. I had just picked my two children up from daycare and had been waiting by the entrance of the school doors for my friend, Janet and her boyfriend John to give us a drive home.

I noticed him right away, as he stood there facing me. We made eye contact but neither of us said anything. He slowly slid down the wall, into a stooping position. He was cute and his eyes were intriguing.

My youngest son has always been a very sociable child from the moment he was born. I used to worry constantly about someone kidnapping him because he would go up to strangers and become their best friend. My son walked slowly over to this man that was standing there, and plopped himself on his lap. He began to touch his face and began a conversation.

I watched the exchange between the two new found friends and both seemed to disappear into their own world. This stranger and I exchanged a few friendly glances at each other.

Janet and John pulled up in the car outside. I told my son to say good bye to his friend and I grabbed both of my children’s hands and pushed the door open and headed to the car. As I looked back I saw this stranger following us to the car.

John got out of the car and he and the man, began to talk as me and the kids piled into the vehicle.  This stranger had been waiting for Janet and John to give him a ride home.

As the kids and I got out of the vehicle and said bye to everyone, I would never had imagined that I would fall in love with this man and spend the next sixteen years with him.

My friend Janet went to work on arranging a date for us the very next day.  She began to tell me about the man I had sat next to in the car the night before. He was an ex fire fighter and was new to town.  Finally, I told Janet that he was cute and that “he could put my fire out anytime.”

At break time, Janet went outside and I sat at my desk trying to catch up on my work since she had talked my ear off for about an hour. Janet returned from her break and plopped herself down next to me with a grin on her face.

She had told him what I had said to her earlier and I could hear the excitement in her voice. I turned to face her, with a twinge of irritation. I demanded to know why she would go tell him what I said. I told her I told her that as a joke and felt embarrassed.

Janet then told me that, “he thinks your cute too!” I looked at her for what seemed like hours and turned back to the computer I had been busy looking at. I thought about what she had just said to me with a little bit of relief, but still humiliated that I may have to run into him one day. I had no real dating experience or strong relationships with any man I had ever met. My children’s father was the only real boyfriend I had and I was twenty-five years old.

A week later I sat across the man I had met in the hallway of school waiting for a ride home.  We both looked at each other and said a silent hello.  He ate his fries and I sipped my pop.  We never knew that our journey would take us over close to two decades.

Pingback: Serially Found

 

 

The Perfect Cut

She won!

She could not believe her luck.

She had worked so hard to get to this point

But she had given up, she did not have the strength to go on

It was just taking too much from her

All the paperwork, the anticipation and the dread of losing

Had taken a huge toll on her

She had just given up and wanted to move on

But today her family won

They had finally called her and told her

That they had won the most perfect cut of half side beef

Pingback: Dark Clouds on the (virtual) horizon

Let Me Introduce Myself

I met my ex when I was twenty-five years old through a mutual friend who thought that we would be the perfect couple. I don’t know if we were the perfect couple, but we were perfect for each other for the time we shared.

From the moment we met we were inseparable. We grew up together and most of our life experiences and mistakes were a team effort. I always knew that no matter what was happening outside the walls of our home, there was always a soft place I could fall back on. Him.

When I think about the last year and how our relationship ended by a text message the pain of it still remains. I believed that I deserved a little more respect than what he tossed me. When we met we both had nothing and we built a life, a family and careers together. I hoped with all I had, that the man I had met and spent close to two decades with, would show me something other than a text that he was in love with some twenty-eight year old stripper.

My ex is the biggest coward ever. He had no balls and no guts to face me. It will be a year in July that our relationship officially ended. He has never apologized(except one lame email where he said sorry but never said what he was sorry for) for cheating or walking away from his family. He has never faced me or treated me like the woman he used to profess his love for. He has treated me like a stranger he hates and at times I have done the same.

Sometimes, I do regret that I ever dated him and spent so much of my life with him. I am in my forties and left to raise our children on our own. He not only discarded me like I did not matter, but he has treated our children the same way. Currently, he is evading paying his child support payments because he feels that I should not have a “red cent” from him.

If I knew then what I know now, I may have decided against being in a relationship with him. The good memories are slowly fading. Just today, I was thinking about one of the tattoo’s he has on his body and I could not remember where it was located.

I hate that all I have left is the memories of how spineless and evil he has become. Really, all I want is for my heart to heal and for me to move on with my life. I don’t want to hate him, but he makes it so hard to feel any other way.

 

 

Riding The Bitter Bus

I haven’t spoken to him in fifty days! It has been the longest that we have gone without contacting each other since we met in 1997.

The idea of texting him came into my head when one of the men I am conversing with asked me to be honest with him.  I don’t know how we came to the conversation, but he said, “I want you to be honest with me.  If he came back apologetic and was willing to work on the relationship.  Would you take him back?  No BS.”

I believe in honesty especially if you’re trying to develop a friendship of some sorts with people.  “Yes, I would.” I responded.  “But I don’t talk to him because of this reason.  Because he is no good for me.”

Then this sweet man said, “Then why are you not working on it? He will come back.  They always do.  I don’t even really know you, but I can tell you that they always come back.  Don’t kid yourself.”

I held my cell phone in my hand and thought about what this man had just said to me.  Could he be right?  Would he come back to me and my family would be back to together?  But at what cost? Could I trust him again?

I did not sleep well that night.  That morning, I spoke with another friend and told him about my conversation the night before.  He agreed and said my ex would be back.  We texted back and forth about how I could potentially test the waters while protecting my heart.  We decided that I could open the door of communication, by checking up to see how he was and to tell him the kids really missed him.

It took him hours to respond.  He said he wanted to see them.  It had been over fifty days since he saw our daughter.  This has been his new pattern ever since he started dating his new girlfriend.  The conversation was pleasant enough. Then out of the blue, he tells me he plans to move away and accused me of not giving him access to the kids.  Remember, he is a liar and a (cheating ***hole).  

It seemed nothing has changed with him.  Still the same old drama and ability to deflect his own shameful infidelity onto the person who he harmed.  I used to yearn for him to explain why he was the one who was so angry at our breakup when it was him who cheated, lied and destroyed our family. I was not sure what I was looking for in this explanation from him.  Maybe I wanted to know that he felt guilty for what he had done.

The wish for my (cheating ***hole) to understand and comprehend his behaviours and impact on people who love him is fruitless.  It is a complete waste of my time to argue or engage in anything he has to offer me at this time.  It is like the man, I fell in love with has died and has been replaced with a complete stranger that I want nothing to do with.

Over the last few days, he has been on my mind.  I feel sorry for him.  I feel sorry that he is wasting his life being angry at himself.  It is not me or anything that I have done that he is mad at.  I have come to the conclusion that he does realize what he has done and how much it has hurt someone else.

He has to face himself in the mirror everyday.  He has to live with the thoughts that he is not the great, wonderful and caring person that he wants to portray.  He is a bitter man and if he does not have it in him to forgive his transgressions he will forever live in agony.  It is up to him to make amends with himself in order to make amends with me and our children.  I feel so very sorry for him that this is how he will move forward into his middle age.

He is still the same.  I tried.  He is just not ready to change.