Category Archives: Religion

ARE YOU THERE GOD?

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I haven’t always been a committed believer in God,  religion or a Higher Power.  It has been an on-again-off again relationship for most of my life and only in my worst days, moments and trials would I go to Him to vent my frustration of how unfair of a life He had given me.  I am a product of a disappointing childhood, miserable parents, traumatic experiences and an uncanny way of having bad luck follow me.  I would yell and scream towards this invisible presence in my life and ask  why He was making my existence so difficult and what life lessons did He want me to know.  But He never answered me. So I thought.

I was born in the Caribbean’s, a warm and enchanting climate where the ocean is blue, salty and inviting.  My memories of this enchantment are filled with horrible memories and right from the start, I felt that God had it out for me.  My father was an invisible man who had taken off to a Canada and left his family behind.  My mother was a strict parent who ruled with an iron fist and I try my best to forget those memories.  I was just a child, born without my own permission to a life that I felt I was never prepared for.

I grew up worshipping God with my mother and siblings, being forced to sit every Sunday beside her, standing, sitting and praying along with a congregation of women, who wore  funny hats.  I spent most of these Sunday’s counting hats and sipping tea with people who I judged to be pretentious. I did enjoy pleasant summers of going to bible camp, paid in full by this congregation.

I never felt comfortable in my childhood or in the church and as soon as I was mature unhappy enough, I rebelled like any confused young adult would.  I wanted nothing to do with any God that had made my life so difficult and horrifying.  I made sure, I told God my views on His life lessons, I was no longer interested in failing whatever tasks He had sent me.  I refused to acknowledge the small blessings He had given me such as  healthy children and street and book smarts.  I attributed all my wins in life to myself and my partner and I never thanked God for his hand in making anything good happen.

As a young mother, who was tired of struggling through life I wanted to teach my children to think for themselves and to make their own conclusions on what they believed. One day my then eight year old son came to me and said “Mom, I want to go to church.  I want to be baptized.”  He had been a student of a catholic education all his life, because I wanted him to have a fair  shot at making up his own mind.

So, began my journey back to God, church and religion.  I sat beside my son on our first Sunday at church and felt proud that he figured out on his own terms what he wanted in this life.  Our entire family, decided that we wanted to start our lives over and give it back to God.  So, in 2008 we all excepted God into our lives and we celebrated with our extended family this momentous step.

Our excitement over our new life, didn’t last long.  My children decided that they really didn’t want to sit among people and worship with them.  I didn’t want to force them to sit with me every Sunday  like my mother had done to me.  I wanted to enstill in them the right to decide for themselves and to find their own God on their terms.  I still hadn’t figured it out myself, so how could I expect them to.  I wanted to believe in something and I knew that there was something out there that was bigger than myself and I wanted to be a part of it.

“As a matter of fact, it is not a question of God’s intentions towards us; but it is a question of whether we see Him through the crowds, whether or not we see Him and say, “If I may but only touch the hem of His garment…” And so it is not about our capacity for goodness; but it is about our being able to simply see His intentions of goodness for us.” 
― C. JoyBell C. 

So, over the years I would venture to church at my lowest points with a heart that was still questioning but a mind that was open.  Then this summer, my family was shook to our knees, the forever dream that I had was a broken ruin.  My relationship ended in the most devastating way, the one person I thought I could count on to protect and love me, betrayed me in the most horrible way.  Through the tears stained on my cheeks and feelings of disbelief, I went searching for answers.

It was in this dark moment in my life, when I had nothing else to lose or to hold onto that God, showed  himself to me.  At first, His presence was small and at the time was not significant.  My friend invited me to church with her and I  went along for the ride, what else could I lose anyway.  The experience was like no other than I had seen before and the presence of the people was exactly what I needed. There were no hats to count and I was absolutely comfortable praying to God for once, to look down on me with an open heart and mind.  I wanted him to love me too, like he was loving  everyone else.

And the miracle happened and he sent me on a wild goose chase to save my life.  He refused to hand me anything on a silver platter and made me do most of the work.  He not only made me find who He was but most of all he made me see how much strength, love and tenacity I still had inside of me.  Don’t get me wrong, it was a difficult path, there were tears, joys and moments when I wanted to rebel and tell him, He was a fake and I was tired of suffering.

If you know God, then its pretty clear he doesn’t give up on anyone or  let you give in to being a victim of anything.  I found my God in the most horrible circumstance, after all these years of traumatic events, it took the falling apart after the loss of a relationship for me to realize that he has always been by my side.  G.O.D.(Gifts On Daily) basis has found his way back in my heart and my life.

 

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Why I Blog

I  having been thinking the last few days that I wanted to come up with a way to close the chapter to my initial blogs.  After four months, I came back to WordPress to see what the community had been up to after my departure.  I read a few blogs from people I follow and from some that I hadn’t come across yet.  Life had gone on without me and the stories and creativity was overwhelming. I felt inspired by the honesty of being open, and I wanted to get back to what motivated me.  Writing.

Then I read my blog, every single post I had ever made to date.  That is when it hit me, I didn’t feel that way anymore.  I wasn’t sure, if I wanted to keep all that bitterness, angry and pain out there for the world to see.  I contemplated removing my posts, copying them and storing them somewhere else, that only I could have access to.  Was removing blogs cheating in the blogging world?

After some contemplation, I have decided to leave my posts up, as is in the rawest form.  They tell my story of what brought me online to share my pain with the world.  They have been a huge catalyst for the change I HAD to make in my life at a time, when I felt I did not know who I was and what I had to offer this world. I was a heart broken woman, a mother, a newly single parent and most of all a lost soul.

It’s been a great journey so far.  I have heard of people finding themselves at different points in their lives and that after a break up,  finding out who you are is even more important.  Whether you believe in God, the Universe, Universal Magic, the Field or whatever name you want to label it, I have found mine.  It’s taken many books for me to find my purpose of why I was here.  I have read God’s gonna make you laugh, Power of Intention, Bastard Husband, Why Men Love Bitches,  The Power of Now, Esquared…and many more which have helped me on my journey of self discovery.

I have developed some great friendships with people I met online and I plan to keep these friends for the rest of my life.  We have been through the highs and lows together.  They have kept me from falling apart, when at times it seemed like the only reasonable solution.  Although, we are now moving into different stages of our life and we have never met in person, our friendship has been the most important thing to me over the last few months.

I have stopped being angry at my ex for cheating on me.  I will never understand how anyone can do what he did to another human being.  I have learned it is not up to me to understand his choices, it’s his cross to bear and it is he who must look at himself in his own mirror.  I have learned that I may never trust him again in my life, the way I used to and unfortunately, I may never like the person he has become. If there is even an ounce of the man, I had met in 1997 left in him, I doubt he even likes the person he has become too.  But none of this matters, because he will have to face these demons on his own terms and at a time when he is ready to make changes.  I wish him luck on his own self discovery.

I haven’t forgiven him for some of the things he has done to me and to our family.  I know that to be totally free and to let go of what has happened,  I must forgive him completely. I still struggle with this idea, am I giving him justification for what he has done and would I be letting him off the hook?  I have forgiven some of the things he has done, but there are still some, hanging around, trying to tighten the noose around my neck.

I wish I could be free of him, but we shared a life and a family and we will always be a part of each other’s life. I plan to keep him at arms length…he doesn’t deserve my love or affection anymore.  We both deserve better than how things fell apart, but none of this matters anymore.  Or does it? I choose not to worry so much about it anymore, I have a train to catch and I have the most incredible ticket in my hand… the freedom to choose who gets to hurt me and who gets to feel my love.

I do wish things had worked out for us.  I wish we had been strong enough to talk to each other, to fight for each other and to not give up on each other.  But, nothing last forever anymore.  Divorce and separations are an  easy out these days, when life gets difficult.  It seems people are too weak or too scared to fight for each other, to love each other through the good times and the bad.  It’s a sad reality and a high statistic and I never imagined that my life would change so significantly and I would have to start over on my own.  I keep, our good memories in tack and I can laugh at some of the crazy things we had done together on good days.  I try to live as honestly as I can and honestly I miss my family as it was.  Oh well, it was good while it lasted.

I started this blog in darkness, trying to cope with a loss so huge and so devastating, that I wanted to share my pain with the world.  I will leave my initial blogs as they are, written in fear and uncertainty. As you read my story, you may come across some of my earliest pieces and it will remind you how fragile humanity can be.  Love each other deeply, but love in honesty!