Tag Archives: Short Stories

You guessed it….OMG! I am going to England

On Friday I interviewed for a job in London, England.  Yesterday, my recruitment agency told me that they want to give me the job offer and are working on the final details

What a roller coaster of emotions.  One minute I can’t wait to escape my life here and have a fresh start and the next minute I am so afraid to leave the life I know. It’s been a back and forth of should I shouldn’t I. What are the good and bad points of leaving for England?  And what are the good and bad points of staying in Canada?   It’s really a tough decision, because you can’t really know what leaving will be like until you leave.

London is very expensive to live, the cost of renting is ridiculously high.  I think I can afford only a 2 bedroom apartment, give the kids the rooms and have a pull out futon for myself.  I guess I won’t be having any adult sleepovers at my place in England.

Apparently, everything is expensive in London and it takes only 6-12 months for one to adjust to the standard of living. You learn to live within your means. I just can’t picture this so called adjustment as of yet, but if I go over there, I will have no choice but to adjust…quickly.

It’s not expensive to ship my items to the UK.  I won’t be taking any furniture or appliances, just the basics- books, pictures, things that can’t be replaced.  I received two quotes and they seem reasonable.

OMG, I may be going to England!

I mean, I want to go to England because it would be great for my career advancement.  I appreciate the fact that my degree means something abroad and it makes me sad that in my home country, my degree is more or less toilet paper.

But with all that career advancement aside, I will be 5.5 hours away from Paris, a place that I believed was only in my dreams.  But as I sit here and write this out, it no longer seems impossible.  So, I want to jump on a plane with my two little kids and go work with vulnerable children, travel Europe with my kids, learn about a new culture and have life experiences I will never forget.

I have been obsessed with knowing everything I can about living in London and how to make this transition easy for myself and my children.  I joined a bunch of groups on Facebook and have been chatting with a few ladies who are expat’s.  One lady is going to take pictures of the borough I will be working in, so that I can see what it looks like.  She has even offered for me to stay at her house if I have time to make a quick visit to London, before I actually move there….community already.

I already know which areas to stay away from as crime is a problem….apparently social workers are needed in the United Kingdom.  I still have to grasp the importance of where you live as it your child’s education depends on it.

OMG I am going to England??!!!

As for now, await the details of my job offer…I picked up three passport applications today.

OMG, I am going to England!!

I will keep you updated with how my relocation goes.

Cheers!

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How Long Will This Be?

When the hell am I going to get another job?  Oh yeah, I am suppose to stay positive throughout all this unemployment crap.  I am bored to death.  I mean, I am so tired of looking for a J.O.B. I want a career.  I want something that is going to prevent me from being in this position again because it pretty much sucks.  Also, its pretty darn stressful not knowing when you will find the right employer than you want to give your all to.

But I am going to stay positive.  The right career will appear at the right time at the right moment for me.  How about f’ing now since I need to pay some darn bills…. and go shopping

 

Without my consent…jobless

I lost my job on Friday.  Something about cut backs and no funding.  I was never content nor was I happy punching numbers into a computer all day.  It was time to go and they could see and so could I.

I applied for a job today which is really far from where I live.  I am keeping my options open to the possibilities that surround me.  I know I should be scared to have no job, but I am welcoming the time off to rejuvenate for the next step in my career.

Well, I am off to make bacon and spinach Quiche and to finish crocheting my daughter’s blanket.

I know it’s been awhile but I was inspired by an email one of my blog readers sent me this morning.

Thank you for reminding me.

Come My Way

This is written for and to my potential publisher

I am sure you get many manuscripts that come across your desk everyday

But I have a brilliant idea, let me invite you to my humble abode for a day

I have been searching for something to say.  Something to grab your attention and sway your vision my way

I have a little book I wrote, filled with little things I had to say.  Things about love, relationships, kids and family.  Things about my struggles, my humour, my pain and life just getting in the way

I am what they call a single mother, the man I loved went away. He left me in charge of everything and I kinda like it this way

I can’t be mad at the path that I choose, it allowed me to put all my dreams to play

I want you to meet me outside of your office space, sit with me and my children and let me have my say

I don’t have a lot of money to invest in my dream.  I can barely pay all my bills, times are tough in this day

My kids need to know that some things can stay the same, things like shelter, food, clothes and all the little in between’s. Those things just need to stay the same

So come and meet me halfway, I have too much to say.  I have learned the hard way and I really want to share it all with you today

Just invest in this little dream,  put this single mother to the test. So come and sit with me and my kids, let’s pave the way for the rest

Times are tough and money is tight, but we can do this I just bet

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I Love You, But I Am Lying

This is a revised version of a post I wrote in September 2013.  Here is the original post.

I really despise seeing people in love, especially now that I am a single woman after 16 years of being with (cheating ***hole).  What does it really mean to be in love? I think people fall in love too quickly. I certainly think that people tell other people that they love them, when in the depths of their soul they don’t.  It’s like they are crossing their fingers behind their backs, hoping the other person with whose heart they are playing with won’t find out.

Love is over-rated and at this point I have a suspicion that I want nothing to do with it. I never really want to fall in love again with anyone.  The idea sounds great, having someone with whom you can turn to and grow with.

When I tell my friends that I will never fall in love again, they all say “Oh of course you will, give it time”.  Is that all we need to stop loving the person who touched the edges of your soul? Time?  I don’t necessarily agree with that.  And I find that this is the problem.  That it seems to be so easy for some people to just get over someone and to stop loving them so quickly.

I have a feeling that I will always love (cheating ***hole).  It has nothing to do with the fact that we have kids together, it’s the fact that  I was and I still am in love with him.  At the time, he was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I don’t regret sharing my life with him, even if it did not turn out the way I believed it would.  I do regret that he turned into a lying, cheating heartless soul.

About a month after (cheating ***hole) pulled my heart out of my chest with his bare hands, threw it in front of a truck and stood back and watched it get pummelled, I met rebound guy. I don’t know what I was thinking getting in a relationship with anyone at this point, but I did.

I wanted to prove to myself and to (cheating ***hole) that I did not need him to love me as much as I loved him. Actually, I wanted him to see me with someone else and come running back to me, with his tail between his legs and beg me to take his cheating ass back.  Then, we would live happily ever after.  Since I am writing this, it hasn’t happened.  Plus, I have realized who wants to really be with someone who lies about love.

I digress.  Back to rebound guy.  The first signs that this guy had a few screws loose was when he told me that he loved me after two weeks of us “dating.” I don’t quite remember how I felt being told I was loved after two weeks of knowing someone.  All, I knew was that this guy was not from my planet and in no way did I feel the same way about him.  I celebrated the day that I told him to hit the road.  I never loved or could love him.

My (cheating ***hole) told me he loved me too. I can recall the first time he told me he loved me.  It was 1997.  We had been seeing each other steady for a few months at this point.  We were in my apartment and had been listening to music.  He was sitting on the floor and I was laying on the couch.  My (cheating ***hole) looked at me and told me he loved me.  I told him I loved him too.  Remember back then, he was not a (cheating ***hole) but the love of my life.

I used to believe everything that came out of his mouth. I had never questioned his loyalty and commitment to our family and to our relationship.  I now question everything he ever said to me.  I think this is pretty normal after someone recklessly plays russian roulette with your life.

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Photo credit

If I was standing next to him watching a house on fire and he said “that house is on fire”. I would definitely think that he was lying through his teeth. I tend to think that he had many affairs that I did not know about.  I wonder how he got so good at being a lying cheat, if he did not practice it before.  As they say, “practice makes perfect.”

Just before I found out that my relationship had ended, (cheating ***hole) had another woman on the side and was living a double life.  He already knew that the relationship was over.  It was me who was the slow learner and needed to figure this out on my own.

He never really told me what happened between us.  Things had not been so great between us from the beginning.  The last few years, things were pretty horrible, but true to form people with disastrous childhoods tend to push all that stuff under the carpet and never vacuum up the crumbs that are underneath.

My (cheating ***hole) said something to me about loving me, but not being in love with me anymore. I still have not figured out what that even means. He was probably trying to throw me off from figuring him out.

How do you stop loving someone? How do you go from calling someone the love of your life to your biggest regret? Why is it that some people have to “kiss a lot of frogs” before they find the person they were meant to be with?  Why is that some people fall in love and stay in love forever? Or do some people just settle because the thought of starting over sounds too daunting of a task to undertake?

I really do not think that many of us know what it means to be in love.  People are so quick to walk out on their partners and not willing to work hard to salvage their relationship. Look at the older couples who are celebrating seventy years together. Can anyone in my generation say that they will be with the same person for their entire lives? Do we as a society want to live with someone for that length of a time?

I thought that was going to the (cheating ***hole) and I really thought that I would be sitting by his bed, holding his hand and weeping when he took his last breath.  Or that he would do the same for me.  I imagined us playing together with our grandchildren and remembering how far we had come together as a couple and as a family.

But he sure proved me wrong. He simply did not want to try going to an objective party to discuss how we both sucked at making our relationship work.  We did go to one objective party and the (cheating ***hole) sat next to me saying he wanted to fix our issues and that he loved me.  The funny thing was, he was in a relationship with someone else at this point.  The word love….I no longer trust it.

I guess I am just a bit cynical of love at this moment, because one day I was in a loving relationship and the next day, my whole life changed. Am I still interested in finding and falling in love, I guess I have to or I am setting my self up to be alone the rest of my life.  Maybe I will be settling too?

I certainly miss the love of my life now referred to as that (cheating ***hole).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ALL IN THE FAMILY(S)

I am a single mother.  I have four children and two separate families.  My  family 1 consists of my my three older children(boy 1, boy 2 and boy 3), (me) and my ex partner(cheating ***hole).

My second family consists of boy 3(you met him in family 1), (me) and my (persistent princess).

In family 1, I am a carefree mother, who spent time with her children as they grew up.  I attended school functions and went on school trips.  I raced my three boys in the park and I never let them win because they needed to learn how to be tough and to know that life isn’t always fair. My house was always clean and dinner was always ready on time.

I had a somewhat normal relationship with (cheating ***hole, who was then referred to as  my best friend). I knew what my future held and I made plans with(cheating ***hole) about growing old with him and still being in love.  We took road trips and and life was exciting.  There was lots of laughter and love in this family.

In family 2, I am a working mother  with little time with my kids.  I am always late for school functions and I have not volunteered to go on a school trip in over six years.  I can’t stay home to raise my kids, it would be a bad financial decision.

I have no life partner and my future is up in the air.  I don’t have a concrete future plan and I don’t have a man around the house to paint, put blinds up or put gas in my car.   I am seeing a new man, but I am unsure what we mean to each other.  It is hard to define.  We like each other,but I am fearful that he will turn out to be like (cheating ***hole) who at the moment has taught me not to believe in relationships and in love.

SPOILER ALERT: THE MAN CAVED AND I DID NOT! Are you confused?  You can read about who caved right here or you can get caught up on this story, right here.

My four children, are having totally different experiences.   They certainly have complete opposite childhood stories to tell their own children.

My son who sits in both family 1 and family 2,  lives a double life.  He was able to experience what it was like growing up with both his parents in the home, having a relationship with all his siblings, watching his siblings move out and then watching his family smash apart, like an egg falling to the ground, and all you can do is mutter to yourself knowing, this *hit is going to be a hassle to clean up. He has watched his parents be at odds with each other and watched his father change into this person that is indescribable.

You would think that he has the best of both worlds, being able to experience and have strong relationships with his siblings and his parents.  The thing is, I think he is worse off than the other children who have grown up and are growing up in both families.  He has the memories of what a two parent family was like, the great memories, the laughter, the trips and the love.  Then he gets to see, both his parents struggle with their identities as they try to rebuild their lives  separately.

He is now the man of the house in family 2.  He keeps track of where I am going, who I am going with and gets a little bossy at times. Sometimes, I feel like I am answering my father and I am prone to lie so I don’t get in trouble with him.

“I am going to the library with my friend. I will be home by curfew.”  I don’t think he believes me all the time.  He will text me, if I don’t come home when I say I will come home .  When I get his text, I know that I better respond right away and remember where I told him I was going, in order to keep my story straight.  He even waits up for me.  I always fail at sneaking in, he always catches me and gives me this look before he goes to bed.

The most difficult part of dating as a single parent is deciding how much risk your own child’s heart is worth” – Dan Pearce

My (persistent princess) is a single child, being raised by a single mother and a distant and inconsistent father.  She gets to be dropped off to daycare providers five days a week, so I can work.  I have co-parented with private and public daycare centres her entire life.  There has been more people who have assisted me in raising, educating, loving and caring for her when compared to her older siblings.

My (persistent princess) doesn’t get all of me, all the time because financially I am not able to be a stay at home mother.  I am raising her on an income that is drastically different than the one I raised her older siblings on.  Times are tight and money is scarce.  Things are certainly different in terms of what she is able to have, when compared to what her siblings were able to have.  Things are more expensive and the list of what is available to purchase now is exhaustive.

Getting the (cheating ***hole) to financially support her and be there for her has tired me out.  I used to take it upon myself to arrange his access visits.  I no longer feel it is my responsibility to encourage a man who was fully capable of being a father in the past, to be one now.  It is is loss and he is sowing his own seeds of despair.

Boys 1 and 2 do not need me as much as they used to anymore.  Soon they will delight me with weddings, children and celebrations.  It feels really awkward thinking of how wonderful it will be to hold one of grandchildren or watch boy 1 and boy 2 fall in love.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and and do things differently for them.  Maybe I would offer them more independence like I do to persistent princess and boy 3 and maybe I wouldn’t spoil them so much as I did when they were kids.  I did the best I could with what I had and as they travel on their own paths, I hope they have learned from the mistakes of their earliest teachers (me) and (cheating ***hole).

I have experienced both the empty nest syndrome and the joys of watching milestones, sometimes on the same day.  There are days, when the memories of the old days come flooding back to me.  Three little boys running around the house, cars, trucks and bikes carelessly left in the backyard.  My (cheating ***hole), helping me to raise three boys and trying his best to make them into a better man than he was.

Then there are the days, when (persistent princess)’s voice travels through our little apartment and her laughter is so boastful and happy.  Then I see a picture that boy 3 has taken of himself and persistent princess and it warms my heart to see that somehow they are able to stay close and protect each other.  Then, I know I wouldn’t change anything because I love family 1 and family 2 with all I have.

You never know, maybe I will start family 3…

“I’ve remembered that most of life is about small, essential connections, so unobtrusive, so elastic, that you scarcely realize they’re actually holding you together. The big ones-the great, grand emotional bonds-those are the ones that break, the ones that fail you, the ones that give way and send you careening toward the foot of the bleak and jagged canyon. It’s the tough, gnarled, unadorned ties that really do bind, that never let you fall all the way down into darkness.”  – Sharon Shinn

 

Life Is Like A Blog…..

It’s 6am in the morning and I have been contemplating since last night what I should write for my first assignment for Blogging 101.  The first assignment was to tell my story about why I am blogging and to introduce myself to the Blogging 101 community.  I had already done that on two occasions.

I started blogging in September 2013 when my relationship ended.  I was very angry and I wanted the world to know how I felt.  I wanted my ex to come across my blog one day and see how much he had hurt me.  Maybe he would care. I introduced myself as a newly separated black woman with an ex who had done the unthinkable.  He was unfaithful.

I took some time off from writing and blogging as I made a very lame attempt of trying to get this man back in my life.  I really missed him.  I was stuck in the past with the wonderful memories we had.  I just wanted my old life back as quickly as I had lost it.

Then I woke up and asked myself why I was trying so hard to get someone to love me again.  It just didn’t seem fair to me.  So, after four months of almost losing my dignity, I came back to WordPress and reread my first initial blog entries.

I could not believe what I had read.  I was that bitter jilted ex lover, you hear about in books, in movies and on television.   I did not want to be this person.  I was not this person. I continued reading and the more I read, the more those old feelings came back to me.  Rejection, humiliation, devastation and pain.  I no longer wanted to feel like that.

I wasn’t sure if I should leave my old blogs out there for the world to see.  I spoke with a friend about what I had written in September 2013 and what he thought I should do with those blogs.    He told me, that those stories were part of this journey, part of my healing and part of of my growth.  He told me to leave them up, as they were, unedited and raw.  I agreed.

So I left my first stories that were thrown into blogsphere exactly where they had fallen.   As I began to recreate myself on WordPress(I no longer wanted to be identified as the jilted ex lover), my stories were funnier, had more depth and emotion(good ones).  I did not want to be connected to how I felt back in September 2013.  I am no longer that person.  It’s my ex’s fault he lost a good woman and he will have to live with that decision for the rest of his life.  I decided that I would not delete my initial blogs, I would make them private, just for me and for whomever, I chose to share my story with.

Maybe they will make it into my book that I want to publish.  Maybe they will forever stay private.  Who knows at this point.  Time will tell.  I am not done healing yet.  They say if you can tell your story without crying, then you know you are healed.  I don’t cry anymore.  However, I still feel that knot in my stomach when I think about him, about us and about the plans we had made.

So what began as a personal diary has now become a lifelong dream.  I want to be a published author.  I want t o inspire people. I want my “voice” to be heard.

So, keep reading I am not done yet.

 

The Girl With The Pink Umbrella

I bought my daughter a pink umbrella last week.  The weather has been treating us better these days.  The snow is melting and having her wear snow pants is a bit of a hassle.  So off we go to our favourite Big Box Store- Walmart-  to pick up slush pants, rain boots and a rain coat.

I know my daughter has this thing for umbrella’s.  I spot them first and I am trying my best to keep her eyes from darting in the direction of seeing a bin filled with colourful umbrella’s.  Ones which are perfectly sized for her six year old hands.  I tried my best but she sees the umbrella’s.  Or maybe they see her.  However, the meeting of my daughter’s eyes and the umbrella’s handle happened, it was the moment, my heart screamed out, “NO!”

You may be wondering why, a mother would be screaming over a bin of umbrella’s in a Walmart.   Well, last year we went through the umbrella stage.  It was horrible, she brought that thing everywhere we went.  When the thing finally broke, I was both elated and defeated.  First, she screamed and cried over it for weeks.  Second, she screamed and cried over it for weeks. I wanted that umbrella back, just so the crying would stop.  I never did find another umbrella made for a little girl.  Well, I never tried hard enough.

So my daughter runs over to this bin and rumbles through it.  I stand back, with tears streaking down my face.  I am exaggerating, but I was scared again to go through this umbrella stage.  I knew what I was up against.

I watch her as she picks this one, no the other one, no this one, then finally chooses the right one.  They were all the same, colour, size and shape.  She spins around to face me, this eager crazy look on her face.  I was scared. I try to fight back, but I am too weak.  She demands to have this umbrella.  It’s spring time now, she will need it.  I try to speak up, to use my mommy voice, but she is not having any of that.  We are getting this umbrella, I just know it.

Her little smile on her face, tells me that this will make her happy.  After all, my job as a mother is to sacrifice my own happiness for hers.  She gets the pink umbrella.

We bring the umbrella home with us.  We did not get the slush pants or rain coat.  She didn’t care after she found the pink umbrella.  I didn’t look for the raincoat or the slush pants, she didn’t need them.  After all, she has the umbrella to protect her from getting wet.

This pink umbrella comes everywhere with us, on our walks, in the car, to school and to the grocery store.  It’s been a part of the family for five days.  I remind her everyday, make sure you don’t hurt anyone with that umbrella.  Make sure you listen to the teacher if she tells you to put it away.  You don’t need the umbrella, it’s not raining right now.  Get in the car, you don’t need to open the umbrella right now.

It has only rained for one day.  But wherever we go, this umbrella follows us.  I think we need to name it soon.  I think the pink umbrella knows we are at odds.

No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm together.

When I watch my daughter carry this umbrella around, I can’t for the life of me understand what is it about this umbrella that makes her so happy.  I watch as she slowly gets out of the vehicle, opens up the pink umbrella so very carefully, raise the umbrella above her head and gently bring it down with such grace.  Then she smiles, the biggest smile ever and walks very slowly, enjoying every step, every moment as her pink umbrella protects her.  We still only had one day of rain, but she proudly exclaims, “in case it rains, or snows, or there is too much sun!”

I stand back watching this love story unfold with my daughter and her pink umbrella.  I feel a bit jealous.  Does she feel the same way about me as she feels about this umbrella, does she enjoy every step with me, every moment that we share.  Does my daughter smile so proudly when she thinks about the time we spend together.

What am I thinking? It’s an umbrella, a pink umbrella, for a six year old.   I need to ask my mother if something happened to me with an umbrella when I was a kid, because for my sanity I need to know. Which umbrella messed with my head.  It’s only a pink umbrella.  I think it is growing on me.

We have only had one day of rain so far.  The pink umbrella is here to stay and my daughter is happy.

Oh, we got rain boots too!umbrella

 

THE DATING APPEAL

I have had a few people message me and I have had some decent conversations over the last few days.  I have blocked a few and told a few where to go and kept a few conversations going.  I don’t know if this thing sort of dating is for me.  I am literally thinking of putting my Facebook status as “I am single, hook me up, please make sure he is not an idiot, he has no issues, and he won’t send me messages about oral sex after never meeting me….”  I can’t do that, I have my fifteen year old son who is on my friend list but there has to be a better way to meet good men, than this process.

So, as I said I have spoken to a few men, so I want to share my experience with the world.  I need your advice, why am I attracting men who are a bit on the different side, instead of a hunk, with a nice bank account, a house I can decorate, no ex wife hanging around and the staying power to hold a conversation.  This has been my prospects as of late:

Guy #1, his first message entailed asking me if I was a hot thin woman.  I asked him if he was hot, then he told me he was hot, built and had blue eyes(sure you are, with no picture on your profile).  I told him what he was saying didn’t tell me much about who he was, so he asked me to tell him something hot about myself.  At this point, I rolled my brown eyes, with my thin body and told him that he was boring me.  Hence, end of conversation.

Guy #2, sent me a message about wanting me to show him to ride my broom(my profile mentioned I had super powers and I oversee the city on a broom) and going to a U2 concert.  I responded telling him that U2 was centuries ago when music was tasteful.  I never heard from him again.  Maybe he thought I was calling him old…I was calling us both old…oh well.

Guy #3, said he liked my profile and if I was interested we could get together.  He went on to say something about us deciding together…deciding what? I never responded

Guy #4, was 25(I am 41) sent me a message LOL.  Why he was yelling at me, I still haven’t figured out.  All I know is I will not be anyone’s notch in their belt.  I never responded

Guy #5, said he was writing jokes for our date…I never realized my profile said anyone who responded to me, would get a date.  I asked him to tell me a joke. He told me that I screwed him up and that was the only joke he wrote to get my attention.  I didn’t laugh, its lame.  Conversation died out.

Guy #6, said hey.  I was bored so I said hey back. He then asked if I had a picture.  I told him I had many.  Then he wanted me to send him a few.  I responded “And why would I assume you are entitled to my picture because you said hey what’s up.  I choose to not upload a pic for my own safety.  You should message others whose pics are already visible.  Yeah, never heard from him again.

Guy #7 sent me a long winded message about how funny, adventurous, loving, caring and affectionate he was.  He then went on to say he was over his ex(he is probably lying) and that he wasn’t looking for a fling(he probable is).  I responded asking him how he was. He immediately asked for a picture, I said not at this time.  Conversation ended

Guy #8, was 25, said he lied about being 44 so he could meet older women because he was some stud or something like that.  I wished him fun on his search and I was not interested in games

Guy #9, we have been chatting on and off.  He asked for a picture, I was busy, he got upset, I put him in his place, he kept chatting to me.  Sounds like love.

Guy #10, sent me a message about me saving him, and then so many spelling errors I was repulsed

Guy #11 was not pleasing to the eyes

Guy #12 and I have been talking, switched numbers and have been texting.  He seems decent enough

Guy #13 and I had a great conversation, he made me laugh, he seemed like a really nice guy.  He had no picture either and I thought, this is perfect we could get to know each other without the pretension of looks.  We could build the most fabulous relationship, we could tell our friends and children how we met, online with no picture.  Then we switched pictures yesterday.  I just can’t date a man, I have no attraction to, no matter how intellectual our conversations are.  And damn! He knew how to spell and use grammar too!

Guy #14 can not spell for the life of him.  Huge turn off!

Guy #15 Asked me if I liked bad boys, I said some women do.  He then asked what I was looking for, I told him I had a long list of qualities.  When you want to get rid of a man, tell him you have standards and you have a list of qualities you want.  This guy ran for the hills.

Guy #16 is known to me.  I am entertaining myself talking to him.

Guy #17 Is a massage therapist, and for some reason I guess talking about massages and oral sex impresses women.  I told him, it doesn’t impress me at all. I am not sure if he will message me again.

Guy #18 is very special to my heart.  Started off nice enough, conversation was flowing, he had a hot tub and a motorcycle.  I was like where have you been most of my life. Then he did the unthinkable.  He felt comfortable enough to send me a message of what kind of oral sex he was going to give me, and then something about how he learned a lot over the year and wanted to teach these new things to me.  It took me a few hours to respond to him, but I kindly told him I did not appreciate messages of this detail and that he may use this kind of pick up line with other ladies, but not this one.  Blocked this one!

This has been less than a week of online dating, or online world of crazy men, who are looking for God knows what.  I don’t know about you, but I am very scared I have to go get some cats to keep me company.

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Image appreciation to Randy Glasbergen’s awesome website

We are Eighty

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/09/09/daily-prompt-surprise/

They met in university, she wanted to be a teacher and he wasn’t too sure why he was there, but his parents went to the school and he felt obligated to do the same. 

They had mutual friends in common; who thought the two of them would be a perfect match for each other.   She was told that he had never lived in a city before, that he didn’t have any family around and that he had a great sense of humor.  He was told that she had one serious boyfriend in high school, that she was quiet until you got to know her better and that she had a beautiful smile.

They fell in love.  The kind of love, that was passionate and extraordinary.  I guess some would say a world wind romance.  Some people did not think it would last, saying that they moved too quickly and that there was no such thing as love at first sight.  But they proved all of them wrong.  She got pregnant and had to drop out of university.  Then they got married and he found a stable job.

They had a few more children along the way, a few disagreements and financial difficulties like any other family.  But through it all, even when things were falling apart before them, they loved each other even more.  They watched as their friends divorced, separated and remarried.  They held on tighter, never wanting to become one of those broken families.  They both knew their love was solid.

Then one day it all fell apart.  She found out that her life was a fairy tale and everyone was right.  It did not last.  She found out that he was no longer happy with their life; well that was what he told her.  He said that he had not been happy for many years, and he only stayed because, that was what a good man did.  He told her that he couldn’t do it anymore. 

She cried and begged him to love her.  She promised she would change, she would cook more, she would do this and she would do that.  Then, he changed right before both of their eyes.  He looked at her with these eyes that neither of them knew and told her that her “crying was pissing him off and making him angry.”  Then she cried more and he turned and walked away. She chased him trying to hold on to what was left of her life. 

He didn’t want to talk to her and he didn’t come home for four days.  When he did, he went over to her and hugged her and kissed her.  She began to silently cry because she did not want to make him angry again so that he would leave her.  He told her that he loved her and that he would never hurt her again.  They decided to go to talk to a counselor because he made a big mistake and he wanted his family.  He said that he had lots of time to think and she believed him.

She began to worry about where he was going; who was he talking to on the phone, why did it take him so long at the grocery story and he why was he so snappy at her.  She found out again and they repeated the pattern.  This time, he told her that he loved this other woman and that he was no longer in love with her.  He told her, “I told you I wasn’t happy.” He yelled at her again and told her that it was over, that he wanted a divorce, that he was finally happy and that he wanted her to move on with her life. 

He packed all his stuff and she watched tears rolling down her face, the memories of how they met, how they fell in love, how they had grown together, all flashed before her eyes.  She tried to call him to remind him about their love for each other.  She apologized for everything she had done wrong in the relationship.  He yelled at her, and called her names.  He told her that he was done with her, that he could no longer make love to her and he even once told her that she repulsed him in the bedroom.

 She could hear, the woman in the background and it devastated her, to think that the man she loved and created a life with, was in love with someone else.  She could barely get herself out of bed to get the kids off to school, she could no longer look at herself in the mirror, and she tried to keep it together but it was one of the hardest things she had to do in her entire her life.  Sometimes, when the kids were sleeping, or busy playing or at school she would lock herself in the bathroom and cry her heart out.  Sometimes, she found herself, laying on the bathroom floor in a fetal position, staring at the wall, not really thinking and barely existing. 

 Finally, the doctor told her that she had to go to the hospital so that she could get better.  She thought about it, how she would do it, maybe a bunch of pills could do the trick, or maybe driving into a rock cut would do it too.  But, she had the children to think about, they needed her, she needed them, so she went to the hospital and little by little she began to feel something.  It felt like happiness maybe. It was a possibility.  But still, she felt unlovable, she still wondered who would love her again, she felt robbed of her trust in people and she wanted her heart to mend.

 She had to see him because they had these children together.  He told her that it was all her fault that he had to leave, that he was not in love with her and that she pushed him into the arms of the other woman.

 Finally, she began to realize that the man she loved was no longer the same person she knew.  It did not matter how much bargaining she did with herself, the person she met twenty years ago was gone.  Maybe forever. 

 Her days are getting better, at times it was still unbearable, she struggled with feelings of unworthiness, being unlovable, feeling unimportant and feeling inadequate.  The scars from the words her husband told her run deep to her soul and sometimes, it feels that her heart is collapsing and she may not make it. She may not survive, the unbearable betrayal and deceit.  But she knows this much, as she struggles with those negative feelings, she has to rebuild her life, move forward and separate herself from the life she thought she had and accept the life, she and her children must now create.  No one else can do this for her, it’s her choice to either give in to her numbness, or roll her sleeves up and fight.

 Margaret was crying in her sleep.  Margaret woke up and adjusted her eyes in the darkness.  She reached over and touched her husband Ryan; he opened his eyes and saw the worry on her face.  Ryan asked Margaret what was wrong.  Margaret then turned and reached over to look at her baby daughter sleeping in the bassinet.  Margaret had this awful dream and she turned to Ryan, ran her fingers through his hair and she breathed deeply.  Margaret told Ryan what her dream was about.  Margaret had dreamt, that her daughter’s husband had cheated on her.  She looked over at the bassinet, and began to cry.  Ryan asked her if she knew who the man was and she told him, he went to University with her. Ryan looked at her, and wiped her tears away, as he thought about what should be done, to protect their two-month-old daughter’s future husband from betraying her.  “We will move, so she does not have to go to that University. So she does not marry that man.”  They both agreed, that was what they would do.

Inspired by little bits of my life

We are Eight