The Narcissist Writes

I am not one for debating the opinions of what other writers say on their blogs.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  Often, if I disagree with something I have read I quietly move on to another blog.  However, a few days ago I came across several posts by an interesting blogger named thenarcissistwrites and I felt compelled to say something.

I knew what I wanted to say but I struggled with how softly I could deliver my message without sounding too blunt or looking like I was trying to be mean or arrogant.

The writer states that she is a Narc and uses her blog as a way to atone for the horrible things she has done to people.  She writes several posts about making a fake dating profile and then pulling in a man she knew by pretending to be someone else.  The post continues to tell stories cheating on her husband and using an ex boyfriend that she has no feelings for.

What really intrigued me was she wrote about the capacity to understand what she was doing to people and the impact of these behaviours.  However, I really questioned if she did really want to change any of it.  As I read, I could envision the devilish smile on this writer’s face.  The satisfaction she felt knowing the people she hurt.  I really questioned, did she really care and was she using her blog as a way to atone, as she claimed or rather to boast. She even mentioned that people liked to manipulated by her.

So, I had to respond.  I know a little bit about Narcissistic Personality Disorder as I highly believe my ex is one.  Maybe it was because of the trauma I went through at the hands of an undiagnosed Narc that I could not hold back my opinion.

If you look at the symptoms of what constitutes the characteristics of a Narc, I could not understand how anyone would be proud to write about it. I have read so many survivor stories from people who have been victims of this psychological warfare and how difficult it is to move forward with their lives without significant therapy.

Narc’s fool everyone with their deception, they manipulate and they abuse.  They are emotional predators and they leave the people they have destroyed struggling to figure out what has happened to them.

I challenged this writer and she challenged me.  I commented, that from what I have read and have understood, the majority of Narc’s would never admit or have the capacity to even consider atoning for anything.  They just don’t do that.  The world revolves around them and they are incapable of having any inkling of emotion for anyone else.  They have no ability to be in someone’s else’s shoe and they take no accountability nor responsibility for their actions.

I advised the writer that maybe she was not a Narc, but just an unkind person.  We commented back and worth in a very healthy way.  At the end of the day, whether she is a Narc or not, she is genius at writing, with such descriptive words that you have no other choice but to be pulled into her world.  Boy, did she pull me in as I read and re-read her blog posts and her comments.

I may disagree with what she writes and the way she may boast her story, but I just had to click that follow button, because I did not want to miss a beat of what antics she would be up to next.

And, she clicked to follow me.  Check out her blog here.  She writes to piss you off but keeps you coming back for more.

 

 

 

In addition, many narc’s would never assume that there was anything wrong with how they are behaving.

 

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

Over the last few days, I have been overwhelmed with the fact that there are many people in my life who I have not forgiven for the pain and the hurt that they have caused me over the years.  I hold a bitter grudge and a dangling chain of animosity and anger when the thoughts of their actions, words or at times their existence even crosses my mind.  To be honest, when I think of what they have done to me, my anger is so overwhelming it can take me a week to push it aside and process my pain.  To be more honest, my angry towards these people have forced me to make some very impulsive decisions that I wish in hindsight I could take back.

I am not an evil person. I want to say that I am kind, generous, loving and caring.  That is the person, I strive to be and the person that is hidden behind and below the surface of my pain.

But when it comes to forgiving those who have crossed me in any way, I wish them double the pain and anguish that I went through at their hands.  The men who raped and molested me, my mother who abused me, my father who did not protect me, the ex who cheated on me and the grade one girls who teased me, it is these people who I blame for the anger that seethes below the surface.

But my anger and my inability of not being able to let go of my pain, has nothing to do with these people but everything to do with me.  I have not forgiven myself.  I cannot forgive all those people who hurt me, if I have not forgiven myself for whatever faults or mistakes I have made.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Did I need my mother to apologize for being horrible at parenting me?  Did I need those men who raped me to know how their actions have impacted me?  Do I really need my ex to look me in the face and say he was sorry?  What would change if I got all of these things?  Sure, I think I would feel somewhat liberated to know that for once, my voice was heard and my pain was revealed.  But what would be next, would I be a different person, would the walls I built around my heart, my life and my spirit come crumbling down and free me?

My struggle with forgiveness begins with me.  It is up to me to forgive the mistakes and choices that I have made on my journey through this life.  I need to forgive the shame I feel for being a semi survivor of child hood sexual abuse.  (I will explain this later). I need to forgive my mother for being physically and emotionally abusive towards me. I need to forgive my ex for infidelity.  It it only through doing these things that I can truly be free from my own painful childhood.  It is only through doing these things will I be able to forgive those who hurt me.  Without self forgiveness and self love, I will always be a caged gorilla, beating on my chest, screaming out…look at me, see my pain.

I don’t know about you, but forgiving yourself is not an easy task to undertake.  It begins with really evaluating every aspect of yourself, your life, your choices and your mistakes and coming to terms with all of that.  It is about realizing that you are not perfect, nor should you strive to be.  Its about coming full circle with the fact that not only have you been hurt and injured but you have also hurt and injured other people.  I really want to forgive those who hurt me, the anger is only a mask.  So, the journey begins with me being able to say and accept the fact that I made some horrible mistakes along the way.  But I am ready now.

“Can I be forgiven for all I’ve done to get here?
I want to be.
I can.
I believe it.” 
― Veronica Roth

 

Mother Interrupted And Landed In The Cuckoo’s Nest

“You own everything that happened to you.  Tell your stories.  If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” Anne Lamott

I have always suffered with depression.  I have always known that my mental state was at times like a roller coaster but I tried to cope with it the best I could over the years.  However, in 2012 everything was going down hill.  It was as if anything bad that could happen was happening to me.  I was so sick of this bad luck.  I would ask God, why is he doing this to me.  I was a good person(I shoplifted once at 17 and never did it again, I told a few lies to my parents and I swore a few times in my life…ok more than a few). I wasn’t Ted Bundy or Manson, so I was little ticked off at God for trying to always teach me life lessons.   In October 2012, I finally went on anti depressants,Things continued to escalate and at times I thought(not planned) how much easier things would be if I was not around.  I will admit, one time while driving I imagined driving into a rock-cut.  I came a bit close to doing it and I am grateful for the common sense of fear, so I turned my car on the road and drove away.

I worked in a high stress job and along with life stresses, in May I found that I was unable to function in the workplace much less keep my personal life intact.  All, I wanted to do was hide under my covers and not face the wicked world, that I was certain hated every ounce of my being.  So, I took myself to a walk in clinic.  In hysterics(they knew me), I told the on call doctor that I needed just a week off work.  I must have been a big mess, because he wrote me a sick note and didn’t charge me for it!  Imagine that a doctor did not charge for a note.  I was very grateful because I saved $25.00 that day!

Within that week, I crashed pretty hard.  I had a plan and I was going to do it.  I was ready to give up living.  I called the crisis number around 9:55 PM and was told that they were closing in five minutes!  As out of it as I was, I could not believe that I was told to hold on to your suicidal thoughts until they opened the next day!

Well that night, a sudden peace came over me.  It’s very true what they say, when you have decided to leave this earth it’s calming.  Since, I am here to tell the story I did hold on to my suicidal thoughts until the next day and called them for support.  I mean, I had to wait about four hours until someone could come to my home, but I had waited all night I was sure a few more hours was nothing.

Long story short, I ended up in a psychiatric ward.  Yes, a sanitorium, asylum, and all the other names that I am sure you have heard.  A nut house, a loony bin, a mad house….come on I can joke about this, cause I have been there and done that. It is no Club Med.  It is an institution for the mentally unstable and some of us were there against our free will.

At the hospital, they took all my belonging and left me in this room, which was like a padded room, minus the strait jacket and the pads on the wall.  It was pretty bare.  Just white walls, a bed and a door.  There was no television, since I guess the mentally unstable do not need further entertainment. All they left me with was my cell phone.  Hey, Janet what are you up to?  Oh me, I just tried to commit suicide and I am on lockdown in the hospital.  Seriously, I sent out texts like that to my friends, who of course were already concerned of my mental state prior to me lying in that hospital room night.  I think some of them did a standing ovation when I told them where I was.

A young girl old enough to be my daughter told me, that  if I tried to leave they would arrest me and bring me back here.  What?  So, to add to all my problems I could become a criminal?  I stayed put.  I heard bad things about jail and clumsy as I was, the soap would probably drop. I was not about to get arrested that night.  Imagine standing in front of a judge with those charges.  What would they charge me with, anyway? Actually, that night the doctor put me on a Form 1.  What is a Form 1?  Well its a legal document that a doctor signs that says a person has to stay in a psychiatric hospital for 72 hours.

I don’t even remember being transported to the psychiatric ward, it was some lady with brown hair and she let me smoke a cigarette behind the hospital.  She must have felt sorry for me, because there are strict rules about smoking on hospital property. It had been hours since I had felt the fresh air and I was scared that it would be months before I was let out.  I had seen Girl Interrupted and One flew over the Cuckoo’s nest.  I wasn’t stupid, I knew what could happen in a place like that.  I had to get well as fast as I could.  Fake it till you make it was my plan. I was going to be a mastermind and make a quick escape out of a mental ward.  I can see you now, shaking your head.  Seriously, in the cab ride over to my home for the next twelve days, it really did sound plausible.

I don’t remember my first few days on the ward. I do remember the first time I sat face to face with a psychiatrist.  No, there was no couch in the room and I didn’t have to lie down when I talked to him.  I asked him what was wrong with me.  He looked at me and said “Life.”  Life?  Is that all you  can tell me, life!  Bull crap! I knew that already!  No tell me what is really WRONG with me.  I found out after discharge what was wrong with me.

I think I spent my first three days, crying and whimpering on my bed and at meals.  Looking around, everyone seemed so normal, there wasn’t no mad eyes darting recklessly around the room, drooling and waiting who would be its next victim. I mean there were some people who talked to themselves, and sometimes it was scary.  I remember one night, a room-mate got into this trance of talking to herself and rocking on her bed.  I was scared shitless, by this time I was “fixed” and I was ready if she even attempted to come near me and hurt me.  I slept with one eye open that night.  Well, it was my plan. But my sleeping pill said, go to bed, your on a psychiatric ward. What else do you expect?

I was not allowed to go outside the first three days.  Man! No smoking cigarettes. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Hold your horses! I was already having one, what was this place trying to do to me.  Drive me crazy! I did not need any help, obviously.   So,  I had to prove to my doctor that I was well enough to go outside four times a day for a cigarette.  I remember him lecturing me about smoking, how bad it was.  Really, doc I know this, but take a look at me right now, I look like I just climbed out from a cave, and I have tears permanently streaked on my face and you’re trying to get me to quit smoking? In a psychiatric ward? When every-time I ask you, when will you “free me?” you shake your head and say you’re not sure. Your are not a smoking cessation specialist! You are a psychiatrist!

I got my fresh air pass.  Glorious day, it was like I had just won a million dollar lottery.  My friends and I(yes I met some awesome people there ) celebrated my step in recovery.  Don’t think that this is not a big step for people in a psychiatric ward, because it is.  There were some people, who never got a pass, because I guess they would take off or do something totally bad, like hurt themselves.  Sometimes, I wanted to give them a fresh air pass because they would go on and on and on about not having one.  I am here to get well, not to hear how bad your life is, because your doctor won’t give you an opportunity to harm yourself.  Be grateful, that he cares! I said most of that in my head.  Yes, I just said I heard voices in my head which told me to say things to people.  Either your totally embarrassed or your laughing right now.

I did a lot of walking in my time there.  Not much else to do.  Looking back now, it would seem funny a bunch of people walking the halls of a psychiatric ward in circles for hours. Believe me when I say that, sometimes I think was getting more unstable in the hospital.  I was literally bored out of my mind.  The books were outdated, the puzzles had missing pieces and there was no exercise equipment.  They had us coloring like we were in kindergarten.  Sure its therapeutic and everything, but I don’t brag to my friends that I developed my coloring skills while on a psychiatric ward.

No, they don’t dope you up and have you sitting around drooling  on yourself.  Hollywood shows such an extreme version of the true reality.  I think my time in the psychiatric  ward was my clearest view into my life and what I needed to change so that I never ended up back in that situation.  They say that your chances of being hospitalized are much higher if you already went down that road.  And it’s so true, so many people in there have been in an out of the hospital most of their lives.  I was very lucky, that at the age of 41, I had my first hospitalization.   And, knock on wood, my last.

I met some people who went through electrotherapy, as a last resort because nothing else was working for them.  They are normal people, no missing brain cells and they function as well as you do!  They have lives,  families and jobs.  You would never know who underwent that form of therapy, so don’t judge.

So what did I learn about myself.  Well I learned that I have major depression, PTSD and adjustment disorder. I read all my diagnoses on my discharge summary.  It was funny how they summed up my 41 years on this planet in a few pages.  But, that is what the good doctor says is WRONG with me.  Yeah, and life too!

I also, learned that I was dependent on my ex for many reasons and I had to learn to make it on my own.  Darn it! Now I had to think and be my own person.  Still getting used to that idea. I am a work in progress.

I learned that most people on a psychiatric  ward were there because of relationship problems. I am not just talking about romantic relationships only, all kinds.   Ok, so I wasn’t some half cut person who was admitted to the hospital  because my lying, cheating and son of a gun partner threw a fast ball at me.

I learned who my true friends were. Did I ever ?  I mean when you leave a message for a friend and say, Hey Janet, I am in the psychiatric ward, call me we can chill! And they don’t call you back, you may as well cut that person out of your life permanently.  Janet! Be gone now!

I learned that the people who work on a psychiatric ward are angels and deserve the utmost respect for what they do.  They were encouraging, caring and backed you up when you  needed it.  Don’t get me wrong, there were some angels who lost their wings there too, but I only want to remember the happy times.  One angel left me with this saying one night we were all sitting around complaining about our lives.  She said “Don’t borrow trouble!” Seriously, I scribbled that on the blackboard in the common room, because I thought it was so amazing.

I learned that hospital food can be edible when you got nothing else to eat. Two of my friends brought me a poutine once, but I was still at the starving myself stage and it went in the garbage. I learned to have empathy for other people and to be happy that my issues were not as bad as theirs.  I learned to be grateful for everything in my life! Even to be grateful to have a failed relationship, because some people don’t even have that.

I learned that I came first in terms of my health and recovery and no one was going to force me to get well on their terms.  This was my life and my health, bug off if you don’t like the process I am taking to get well.  I learned to laugh again, loud and brazen. I learned that it was ok to cry and be angry(Constructively of course). I  Learned that hospital clothes are very comfy and I miss them.

Anyway, I spent 12 of the most best days of my life in the psychiatric ward.  I always say that to people and I wonder what they are thinking as I stand in front of them and boost the benefits of being locked in a facility and not being able to leave on my own terms.  I learned that I don’t really give a damn what people think about me anymore!

We are Eighty

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/09/09/daily-prompt-surprise/

They met in university, she wanted to be a teacher and he wasn’t too sure why he was there, but his parents went to the school and he felt obligated to do the same. 

They had mutual friends in common; who thought the two of them would be a perfect match for each other.   She was told that he had never lived in a city before, that he didn’t have any family around and that he had a great sense of humor.  He was told that she had one serious boyfriend in high school, that she was quiet until you got to know her better and that she had a beautiful smile.

They fell in love.  The kind of love, that was passionate and extraordinary.  I guess some would say a world wind romance.  Some people did not think it would last, saying that they moved too quickly and that there was no such thing as love at first sight.  But they proved all of them wrong.  She got pregnant and had to drop out of university.  Then they got married and he found a stable job.

They had a few more children along the way, a few disagreements and financial difficulties like any other family.  But through it all, even when things were falling apart before them, they loved each other even more.  They watched as their friends divorced, separated and remarried.  They held on tighter, never wanting to become one of those broken families.  They both knew their love was solid.

Then one day it all fell apart.  She found out that her life was a fairy tale and everyone was right.  It did not last.  She found out that he was no longer happy with their life; well that was what he told her.  He said that he had not been happy for many years, and he only stayed because, that was what a good man did.  He told her that he couldn’t do it anymore. 

She cried and begged him to love her.  She promised she would change, she would cook more, she would do this and she would do that.  Then, he changed right before both of their eyes.  He looked at her with these eyes that neither of them knew and told her that her “crying was pissing him off and making him angry.”  Then she cried more and he turned and walked away. She chased him trying to hold on to what was left of her life. 

He didn’t want to talk to her and he didn’t come home for four days.  When he did, he went over to her and hugged her and kissed her.  She began to silently cry because she did not want to make him angry again so that he would leave her.  He told her that he loved her and that he would never hurt her again.  They decided to go to talk to a counselor because he made a big mistake and he wanted his family.  He said that he had lots of time to think and she believed him.

She began to worry about where he was going; who was he talking to on the phone, why did it take him so long at the grocery story and he why was he so snappy at her.  She found out again and they repeated the pattern.  This time, he told her that he loved this other woman and that he was no longer in love with her.  He told her, “I told you I wasn’t happy.” He yelled at her again and told her that it was over, that he wanted a divorce, that he was finally happy and that he wanted her to move on with her life. 

He packed all his stuff and she watched tears rolling down her face, the memories of how they met, how they fell in love, how they had grown together, all flashed before her eyes.  She tried to call him to remind him about their love for each other.  She apologized for everything she had done wrong in the relationship.  He yelled at her, and called her names.  He told her that he was done with her, that he could no longer make love to her and he even once told her that she repulsed him in the bedroom.

 She could hear, the woman in the background and it devastated her, to think that the man she loved and created a life with, was in love with someone else.  She could barely get herself out of bed to get the kids off to school, she could no longer look at herself in the mirror, and she tried to keep it together but it was one of the hardest things she had to do in her entire her life.  Sometimes, when the kids were sleeping, or busy playing or at school she would lock herself in the bathroom and cry her heart out.  Sometimes, she found herself, laying on the bathroom floor in a fetal position, staring at the wall, not really thinking and barely existing. 

 Finally, the doctor told her that she had to go to the hospital so that she could get better.  She thought about it, how she would do it, maybe a bunch of pills could do the trick, or maybe driving into a rock cut would do it too.  But, she had the children to think about, they needed her, she needed them, so she went to the hospital and little by little she began to feel something.  It felt like happiness maybe. It was a possibility.  But still, she felt unlovable, she still wondered who would love her again, she felt robbed of her trust in people and she wanted her heart to mend.

 She had to see him because they had these children together.  He told her that it was all her fault that he had to leave, that he was not in love with her and that she pushed him into the arms of the other woman.

 Finally, she began to realize that the man she loved was no longer the same person she knew.  It did not matter how much bargaining she did with herself, the person she met twenty years ago was gone.  Maybe forever. 

 Her days are getting better, at times it was still unbearable, she struggled with feelings of unworthiness, being unlovable, feeling unimportant and feeling inadequate.  The scars from the words her husband told her run deep to her soul and sometimes, it feels that her heart is collapsing and she may not make it. She may not survive, the unbearable betrayal and deceit.  But she knows this much, as she struggles with those negative feelings, she has to rebuild her life, move forward and separate herself from the life she thought she had and accept the life, she and her children must now create.  No one else can do this for her, it’s her choice to either give in to her numbness, or roll her sleeves up and fight.

 Margaret was crying in her sleep.  Margaret woke up and adjusted her eyes in the darkness.  She reached over and touched her husband Ryan; he opened his eyes and saw the worry on her face.  Ryan asked Margaret what was wrong.  Margaret then turned and reached over to look at her baby daughter sleeping in the bassinet.  Margaret had this awful dream and she turned to Ryan, ran her fingers through his hair and she breathed deeply.  Margaret told Ryan what her dream was about.  Margaret had dreamt, that her daughter’s husband had cheated on her.  She looked over at the bassinet, and began to cry.  Ryan asked her if she knew who the man was and she told him, he went to University with her. Ryan looked at her, and wiped her tears away, as he thought about what should be done, to protect their two-month-old daughter’s future husband from betraying her.  “We will move, so she does not have to go to that University. So she does not marry that man.”  They both agreed, that was what they would do.

Inspired by little bits of my life

Let Me Introduce Myself

I met my ex when I was twenty-five years old through a mutual friend who thought that we would be the perfect couple. I don’t know if we were the perfect couple, but we were perfect for each other for the time we shared.

From the moment we met we were inseparable. We grew up together and most of our life experiences and mistakes were a team effort. I always knew that no matter what was happening outside the walls of our home, there was always a soft place I could fall back on. Him.

When I think about the last year and how our relationship ended by a text message the pain of it still remains. I believed that I deserved a little more respect than what he tossed me. When we met we both had nothing and we built a life, a family and careers together. I hoped with all I had, that the man I had met and spent close to two decades with, would show me something other than a text that he was in love with some twenty-eight year old stripper.

My ex is the biggest coward ever. He had no balls and no guts to face me. It will be a year in July that our relationship officially ended. He has never apologized(except one lame email where he said sorry but never said what he was sorry for) for cheating or walking away from his family. He has never faced me or treated me like the woman he used to profess his love for. He has treated me like a stranger he hates and at times I have done the same.

Sometimes, I do regret that I ever dated him and spent so much of my life with him. I am in my forties and left to raise our children on our own. He not only discarded me like I did not matter, but he has treated our children the same way. Currently, he is evading paying his child support payments because he feels that I should not have a “red cent” from him.

If I knew then what I know now, I may have decided against being in a relationship with him. The good memories are slowly fading. Just today, I was thinking about one of the tattoo’s he has on his body and I could not remember where it was located.

I hate that all I have left is the memories of how spineless and evil he has become. Really, all I want is for my heart to heal and for me to move on with my life. I don’t want to hate him, but he makes it so hard to feel any other way.

 

 

Riding The Bitter Bus

I haven’t spoken to him in fifty days! It has been the longest that we have gone without contacting each other since we met in 1997.

The idea of texting him came into my head when one of the men I am conversing with asked me to be honest with him.  I don’t know how we came to the conversation, but he said, “I want you to be honest with me.  If he came back apologetic and was willing to work on the relationship.  Would you take him back?  No BS.”

I believe in honesty especially if you’re trying to develop a friendship of some sorts with people.  “Yes, I would.” I responded.  “But I don’t talk to him because of this reason.  Because he is no good for me.”

Then this sweet man said, “Then why are you not working on it? He will come back.  They always do.  I don’t even really know you, but I can tell you that they always come back.  Don’t kid yourself.”

I held my cell phone in my hand and thought about what this man had just said to me.  Could he be right?  Would he come back to me and my family would be back to together?  But at what cost? Could I trust him again?

I did not sleep well that night.  That morning, I spoke with another friend and told him about my conversation the night before.  He agreed and said my ex would be back.  We texted back and forth about how I could potentially test the waters while protecting my heart.  We decided that I could open the door of communication, by checking up to see how he was and to tell him the kids really missed him.

It took him hours to respond.  He said he wanted to see them.  It had been over fifty days since he saw our daughter.  This has been his new pattern ever since he started dating his new girlfriend.  The conversation was pleasant enough. Then out of the blue, he tells me he plans to move away and accused me of not giving him access to the kids.  Remember, he is a liar and a (cheating ***hole).  

It seemed nothing has changed with him.  Still the same old drama and ability to deflect his own shameful infidelity onto the person who he harmed.  I used to yearn for him to explain why he was the one who was so angry at our breakup when it was him who cheated, lied and destroyed our family. I was not sure what I was looking for in this explanation from him.  Maybe I wanted to know that he felt guilty for what he had done.

The wish for my (cheating ***hole) to understand and comprehend his behaviours and impact on people who love him is fruitless.  It is a complete waste of my time to argue or engage in anything he has to offer me at this time.  It is like the man, I fell in love with has died and has been replaced with a complete stranger that I want nothing to do with.

Over the last few days, he has been on my mind.  I feel sorry for him.  I feel sorry that he is wasting his life being angry at himself.  It is not me or anything that I have done that he is mad at.  I have come to the conclusion that he does realize what he has done and how much it has hurt someone else.

He has to face himself in the mirror everyday.  He has to live with the thoughts that he is not the great, wonderful and caring person that he wants to portray.  He is a bitter man and if he does not have it in him to forgive his transgressions he will forever live in agony.  It is up to him to make amends with himself in order to make amends with me and our children.  I feel so very sorry for him that this is how he will move forward into his middle age.

He is still the same.  I tried.  He is just not ready to change.