Category Archives: cheaters

I won’t give up

After 15 months I am still grieving the loss of my relationship.  It sucks!

I was told by someone who said that  it will take me eight more years to get over my relationship. Eight more years of thinking about what would have been.  Eight more years of having memories just snoop in and take control.  Eight more years of looking back, analyzing, criticizing and reliving every moment like it was yesterday.  Eight more of this torture?  I can live without that.

I have lost so much through this separation. I have lost family members, sister in-laws, nieces, aunts and parents. I have lost the opportunity to attend weddings, family reunions and showers.  I haven’t just lost my ex, but I have lost every other person that he was connected to by blood or otherwise.

I don’t think we are ever prepared to lose people we love.  Furthermore, we are never prepared to lose the people who have tagged along into our lives alongside this person.  When someone we love dies, we can grieve that loss, say good-bye and try to function as best as we can. We have to go on because we know that this what this person would have wanted from us.

But, when you lose someone through a divorce or separation, the grieving process seems to never end.  You may have to see this person when you exchange your children, or in court or in the mall.  It seems that everywhere you go, there are memories that you must deal with.  Are they now taking their new beau to the same restaurant they took you to? The constant fear of running into them looms behind you as you don’t know the separated person’s etiquette yet.

At times you wish that they would drop off the face of the earth.  No, I am not talking about anything illegal.  It just would seem easier if only one of you still existed separately because learning to transition as a sole person when you were a couple for decades is so difficult.

It just seems unfair that you must go through the process of learning to let go of someone who let go of you before you even realized. You are playing catch up and you are in dead last and this person is already at the finish line. You just wonder, how did this person get so far ahead of you?

When you see them, they seem so happy and you can’t understand how they can look so happy when inside you are falling apart.  How is it that they can get out of bed every day, or how is it that they can smile and move on, when you are clinging to yesterday.

You want to smash them upside the head and yell “How can you be so happy at this devastation that is our life?”  You want to take them by the shoulders and shake them and yell at them and make them listen to you. But you don’t say anything because if you even open your mouth you know that you will fall to pieces.

I often imagine what it would be like if my ex asked to come back home.  How will I respond in that moment?  Will I trust him if he came back? Will we act the same towards each other?  I can’t even imagine that day because it seems so far out of reach.  I don’t know what it would feel like to have him home. I don’t even think he wants to come home and that is the saddest part.

I am not sure if I still love him or is it what he represented that I love so much. Most days, I am not sure how I feel at all. What I do know is that I want my children to be raised by both parents. I am not sure at what costs this would happen.

Everyone tells me that once a cheater always a cheater. That a leopard never changes his spots and that I am better off never entertaining the idea of returning to a relationship with my ex. All, this is great advice and I listen to what I am told. I respect other people’s opinion on this matter because sometimes we make foolish decisions when only our hearts are thinking.

I am no way near going back to my ex. We currently do not like each other. This is what I tell him, so that he does not catch on to how much I do miss him. I lie to him because I do not trust him to not manipulate me to get his way in court or out of child support. He is after all the devil.

Maybe at the end of the day, it’s in my best interest to entirely let go and move forward. But how do you do that when once upon a time, you found the next best thing?

Third Time’s A Charm

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Box Up Your Dreams And Wait For A Miracle

Over the course of the past two years, I have gained many lessons on love, life and relationships.

It’s been over a year since I officially became a single mother.  The first year that I separated from my ex, we parented our children together.  My cheating asshole ex provided financially for his children and never complained about doing it.  He also would help me with things that I couldn’t do on my own.  We still remained partners and parents.

We would try our best to make amends in our relationship, but for some reason we couldn’t get past all the ways that we had hurt each other over the years. We tried to remain friends, after all we were each other’s best friend for 16 years. We couldn’t stop pointing fingers at each other.

In year two of our separation, my cheating asshole ex met the woman he is now dating.  A woman who has slung racist comments towards me.   A woman who accuses me of being “greedy” and wanting child support.  A woman who sat in family court and winked at me, believing the break up of my family and the ongoing battle between my ex and I were some joke.

My ex is now verbally abusive and intimidating.  He also got lost in a world of booze and drugs and no longer cares about anything else. My ex has lost a job making $100 grand annually, to being unemployed.

My ex has moments of regret where he would apologize to me for all the mistakes he made.  These lucid moments do not last very long and when his new girlfriend is around his mean streak is over powering.

It was in this year that I became a single mother and where I mark our separation.  It was no longer a team effort on our part, but rather me a single person left to raise two other human beings.

I guess nothing lasts forever and I still struggle with the idea that my family is broken and will never be the same.  I feel anger because I want my children to be raised in a two parent home, but I know that this will never happen and I am left to sort out all these emotions on my own.

I do miss my ex, because he represented what I thought a family should be.  I miss that I knew or I thought I knew what the next few years would look like.  I thought it would be him and I against the world.

I have been struggling with the idea that my relationship is over.  Maybe it’s because our anniversary of breaking up has come and passed.  Maybe its the one year mark, since I had to drag my once caring, supportive, loving partner and father into a courtroom to pay child support.

Maybe it’s because I was going in front of the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board and I felt so damn alone and wanted him there. Maybe it’s because he should be there and he has chosen not to be.

I usually get tired of dealing with so many emotions on my own. So I put them on the doorstep of my friend.  I didn’t have to go on and explain to her the relationship ending or how lonely I was feeling.  She gets it.

My friend told me that he probably does not have any insight into the depth of the impact his leaving has on me and our family.  She went on to tell me that I was probably a reminder of his own shortcomings, he  knew he wasn’t good enough for me and when he looked at me, he was reminded that he was flawed and that I was  so much more together than he was.  Finally, she said that he found somebody who could look up to him and make him feel better about himself.

What my friend had to say about our relationship, made me feel more alone but at the same time, I understood.  It does make a bit of sense, because he was always telling me that I deserved better or I was better off.  If only this man knew that having a broken family and a broken heart, is not better off.

I don’t know if I could fall in love with another man.  There is trouble on the horizon with the man I am currently dating.  I don’t know if I could fall passionately in love with him as I loved my ex.  Maybe the fact that I am pulling away from my boyfriend is that I may be totally falling hard for him and it scares me.  Or maybe I am fearful I am settling because I was want so badly to be in love.

I don’t know.  I still believe in love. I still want to fall in love, be loved and stay in love.

I think I still am in love, but it is not with the man I am dating. I feel horrible about this fact.

Relationships are like fruit, once it goes bad you have to throw it out.  Can it be salvaged? You could eat a rotten apple or swishy orange but it just won’t taste the same.

At the end of the day, you have to throw out the old fruit and replace it with new fruit.  I guess the same can be said for relationships.

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