Tag Archives: Relationships

The Letter

I can see the paper on the ground as I leave the grocery store.  I am carrying two heavy bags filled with tonight’s dinner for myself and my love.

I wish the girl had been better at packing these grocery bags as she put most of the heavy items in one.  She didn’t even double bag them.

I knew this would happen.  My groceries are all over the ground. The bags broke as I knew it would.   I feel like storming right back into that grocery store and telling that girl, that her carelessness has caused a lot of problems.  I bend down to pick up my grocery and I realize that the paper I had seen a while back is a letter.

I pick it and then I glance around wondering if the owner is close by.  I begin to read the letter.  I can’t believe what I am reading, this man is a true romantic.  I smile as I wish my love could write me such sweet words.  You can tell how much he loves this woman.

I continue reading and I reach the end of the letter.  I stop as my eyes scan the name of the author.  My eyes wait for my brain to register and catch up.  I know who wrote the letter.  The wind picks up and sweeps the letter from my grasp.

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What goes around comes around

I really loved you

I didn’t think I could live without you

It was you and me against the world

Until I read on Facebook that it was you and her and some diamonds in the sky

I wanted you back and I would have done anything I could

But the longer you stayed away the more I began to see

Your not a very nice person, your not generous and your not sweet

Your a bully, an aggressor and a downright low life dweller

I hope the life you ran so quickly from

Is worth losing your job, your truck and your home

I really did love you

But now I just feel so sorry for you

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SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE

My friend is mad at me. She hasn’t talked to me in 24 hours and I don’t really care. Finally, I don’ have to listen to how dangerous her life is and the fact that maybe one day you won’t return home from one of your dates.

The fact is she has a wonderful life and she doesn’t respect it enough to live it properly. I think that some people should be banned from having the responsibility of protecting their lives and someone else should make decisions for them. Like a power of attorney or a trustee, for those who suck at life.

My friend has an online dating profile and she has no idea how to date responsibly. She invites strange men over to her house on the first date. She is under the impression that she is some mind reader and that she can distinguish between the truth and lie. She believes everything that men tell her and she continues to put herself and her daughter at risk.

I can’t even count how many times; she has invited a strange man over to her house to meet her for the first time. I can’t even count how many of them she has slept with on the first date. I can’t even count how many of them just use her for sex and never called her again.  She never learns.

sex

This week, she has been “fucking”(she calls it dating) this guy. She doesn’t even find him attractive, but she fell in love with his personality. The fact is, that people can be anything they want on the Internet and tell you anything they want you to hear. At the end of the day, a person’s online personality can’t be a good judge of character.

This man my friend has been hanging around with does not own a cell phone. This was the first red flag; everyone and their grandparents own a cell phone. I mentioned to her that this seemed a bit off and she told me that he was “old fashioned.” My mother is old fashioned too, but she still owns a cell phone and she is way older than “Mr. I don’t own a cell phone.”

So the only way my dear friend could communicate with this man was through email or on the dating website. Anyone can have an “extra” email account in order to keep people at arm’s length. And the fact that he still wants to communicate with her through the dating profile is just downright suspicious to me.

Furthermore, this man has never taken her out in public. He has never brought her a meal or introduced her to anyone in his life. I never liked what I did know about this man. Maybe it has been my experience with my cheating ex and his lies but I no longer take at face value what people say. People’s actions mean more than their words.

But for some reason she fell in love. He was the man for her and she began to plan their lives together. I wanted to yell out that he is not your man, but some guy your giving the sweet treats to when he hasn’t even proven that he deserves it. But I stayed silent, quietly challenging her perception of the relationship.

I encouraged her to ask him what he wanted because I suspected that the few times he slept with her was what he wanted. When someone asks you “what are you doing tonight?” and your response is “You, I hope.” Why are you then surprised that your entire relationship is based on sex? I think I would have responded to the question, with something that would tell this man, that I wanted something a little more that sex.

So, she had the “talk” with him. This man turned around and deleted his dating profile. She never heard from him again. He didn’t even respond to her desperate email about what happened? She wanted to know if he was mad at her and she wanted him to call her. I was embarrassed for her.

The day after she had the “talk” with this man, she found another man to replace him and went on a date. She told me that this man was gross, he looked worn out and he smelled like an ashtray. She went on to tell me that kissing him was gross. I asked her why did she kiss him and she told me that she wanted to see “if I could like him.”

I don’t understand why people force themselves to like other people. If I don’t like you, I have no reason to pretend. I just don’t hang around or do anything with you. I didn’t get it and I didn’t understand how you kiss someone you don’t’ wan to kiss. I also, don’t understand how you agree to meet someone after talking to him or her less than 24 hours.

I finally told her that she should probably take herself off the dating market and focus on herself and she should stop giving these men her vagina in order for them to fall in love with her. I also told her to stop sending pictures of herself in lingerie and to stop having sexually explicit conversations with strangers online. It’s pretty dangerous and irresponsible.

She hasn’t talked to me since, but I don’t care. I would rather that she is mad at me for the truth than in a coffin because I lied.

 

Where have you been?

I have been seeing this man since the day, the other man who could not allow himself to have any emotions for me allowed his baby mama to text me a message to back off because I wasn’t so special.

I guess I am very special because the man I am seeing got stood up on the first date. I was supposed to meet him at Chapters but decided I wasn’t into meeting anyone ever again. So, he messaged me asked me where I was and if I was still coming to meet him. I made up some lame “family emergency” excuse. Then I felt bad and we continued to chat and exchanged phone numbers.

He made me laugh and I made him laugh. So, I suggested me meet and I promised I would show up. Since that day, we have been seeing one another and it’s getting serious.

I have deleted my online dating profile after we decided to be exclusive. He has currently moved 8 hours away from me, but our affection for each other keeps getting stronger. He is smart(a Vice Principal), cute, caring, generous, funny and human.

We are far from perfect and have had a few times where we have argued, but at the end of the day we want each other. We are a great team and I am so excited to see what our future holds. When I kiss him, I can see the next 60 years of my life and I want him there every step of the way.

Love is the most powerful drug in the world.

 

 

Still Believing

The drama with the man who could not allow himself to have any emotions  his over.  I am thankful.  It was a bumpty road that finally ended on a Sunday morning when he allowed his “baby mama” to text me some random message about how they were in some relationship and I needed to back off.  She then said something about me not being special.  I tend to disagree with her on that point as I am more than special,  I am awesome.

I was a little bit shocked at the whole nonsense as he told me that she somehow walked into his house while he was asleep, stole his phone and texted all the females on his phone.  He then told me that it was not the first time that she had done that.  I would have locked my door after the first incident, but apparently he couldn’t figure out a way to keep her out of his home if he did not want her there.

At the end of the day, he choose his daughter over a relationship.  He feels that when he finds someone he wants to date, his “baby mama” gets angry and withholds his daughter from him.  He couldn’t figure our or he did not want to figure out that he needed to take this woman to court so that he did not have to make any compromises with his happiness.   Or maybe deep down he loved her still.  Or he was cheating on her with me.  Either way, the drama is over and I have had to move on.

I am a little bit pissed off at myself for wasting my time in a relationship that was not going to ever go anywhere.  I just wish he had been up front and honest with me in the beginning and told me that he had no inclination of ever taking our relationship anywhere.  But its ok.  In every bad situation, there are always lessons to be learned.

I was about to swear off dating for the rest of my life.  Seriously.  I am tired of meeting men that are only interested in sex and nothing beyond that. They pretend that they want more from you and talk a good talk.  But I don’t know how many times my intelligence was insulted by some asshole, loser pretending to be endearing.  It’s like all the married men prowl the online dating sites, looking for women they can use to their advantage.

I want a relationship with someone I adore.  I want to be with someone who wants to be with me for who I am.  The intelligent, creative, crazy, angry, bitter, loving, generous, broken, hurt and most wonderful woman.  I want tha forever love that is so rare, but still very possible.  I believe in it.

I decided to be honest on my online dating profile.  I figured I had nothing to lose by telling the men who would potentially want to meet me, exactly what I was looking for.  I wanted men to know that I no longer wanted to play around with my heart or my life in any way.  I am getting way too old for jerking around and pretending that what I want does not matter.

I did not plan to get back into any form of a relationship with a man who did not know what he wanted but felt it was fine to stick around and play with my feelings.  So one night I decided I was going to lay it all out there for everyone to see.  There was nothing more I could lose.  This is my current online dating profile:

I will be very honest, I am looking for a man to marry. One day. I don’t really think that I will find that person on here, but the journey to find my soul mate should be fun. Right? I mean, what story will we tell our grandchildren about how we looked across the room and instantly fell in love with each other? The story should have a climax…and a happy ending. So, I have been here before. I think most of the men I talk to are not very honest about what they want or more what they really look like. When a man sends you a picture from 1998, claiming he still looks this way after 16 years, I am not sure who the hell he is trying to fool. But it is not me. I am not afraid to say how I feel, when I feel it. Yes, I am looking for someone to marry eventually…but I don’t plan to waste my time with in between relationships that have no substance. Only contact me if you want to meet a down to earth, intelligent, funny and great human being. Hope you find what your looking for.
After I posted this very honest and open request, I could not believe how many men began to contact me.  Many were just floored at my honesty and they liked it.  Some felt that many other woman wanted to say what I said, but were too fearful to admit their own truth.  Many men respected me putting it out there.  When I compare how many more men contacted me after using this profile rather than the carefully crafted one, eliminating any consideration of what I want. This profile wins hands down, that a few of my friends decided that they too wanted to let the men know, exactly what they wanted.
The reality is I do not want to date for the rest of my life.  I want a partner, a lover,  best friend and a defender.
Currently, I am dating a pretty amazing man who makes me laugh, is intelligent and thinks that I am absolutely amazing also.  I haven’t yet figured out all his faults, but the ones I see are definitely something I could live with.
girls

SISTER FRIENDS

Saturday was girl’s night out.  My friends and I decided that we were going to live it up in a small town.  It has been a while since we all went out dancing, laughing and spending time together.

The party started at a friend’s house.  She just purchased her first home and got a pretty good deal on a home that the bank foreclosed on.  She is only twenty years old.

The living room started off being divided by two very different and distinct generations. Seated on the couch were the Millennials, young women born between the early 1980’s and the early 2000’s.  Seated facing the young women were myself and my friends, women in their forties born between the early 1960’s and the 1980’s.

The Milliennials were all huddled together on the couch, with their wine glasses in front of them and their cell phones attached to the palm of their hands.   They still had lessons of life to learn.  Lessons about love, relationships, careers and heartbreaks.

Their silliness and kindness were fresh reminders of how much I had changed in the last few decades.  When I was their age I was already a mother with two small children and the opportunity to sit around with my friends would have been foreign to me.  I listened intently to their dreams and their plans for the future and remember that not so long ago, I too was a dreamer.

The other end of the room the women of my generation were sitting.  We all hoped we had learned the lessons that life had handed us.  We were raising our own children and made a few mistakes in our lives along the way.  We knew we could not go back and make any changes but we hoped that our younger friends would not make some of the mistakes we had.

All of us had failed relationships.  One had recently left her husband less than a month ago, one was still in court hoping to tie up the lose ends of her divorce, one was taking her ex husband back to court because he stopped financially supporting her and one had an ex partner who stopped loving her as quickly as he fell for her.

The older women vented about the men we once loved and the relationships they were now having or hoping to have as they forged a new unknown path.  The younger women giggled and would dance to a song that was playing in the background.  Two very different generations of women seated in the same room, having very different experiences of life.

There were words of wisdom passed to the younger women in the room about men and how not to get burned and how to show him the door if he doesn’t make her happy.  There were words of strength and empowerment on how to be a strong female and a strong individual.  These lessons were shared passionately between the two groups.  I think we all took something away with us that night.

The women drank wine, filled empty wine glasses for each other, played music, danced to new and old tunes and filled the home with love, encouragement and hope.

We spent the rest of the night, socializing with old friends and the new ones we met, protecting each other’s purses and each other’s hearts.  I realized on Sunday morning that I have wonderful sister friends I love who are not born of my bloodline nor my culture, but have shown me friendship and love that I definitely need as I pave a new life on my own.

Let Me Introduce Myself

I met my ex when I was twenty-five years old through a mutual friend who thought that we would be the perfect couple. I don’t know if we were the perfect couple, but we were perfect for each other for the time we shared.

From the moment we met we were inseparable. We grew up together and most of our life experiences and mistakes were a team effort. I always knew that no matter what was happening outside the walls of our home, there was always a soft place I could fall back on. Him.

When I think about the last year and how our relationship ended by a text message the pain of it still remains. I believed that I deserved a little more respect than what he tossed me. When we met we both had nothing and we built a life, a family and careers together. I hoped with all I had, that the man I had met and spent close to two decades with, would show me something other than a text that he was in love with some twenty-eight year old stripper.

My ex is the biggest coward ever. He had no balls and no guts to face me. It will be a year in July that our relationship officially ended. He has never apologized(except one lame email where he said sorry but never said what he was sorry for) for cheating or walking away from his family. He has never faced me or treated me like the woman he used to profess his love for. He has treated me like a stranger he hates and at times I have done the same.

Sometimes, I do regret that I ever dated him and spent so much of my life with him. I am in my forties and left to raise our children on our own. He not only discarded me like I did not matter, but he has treated our children the same way. Currently, he is evading paying his child support payments because he feels that I should not have a “red cent” from him.

If I knew then what I know now, I may have decided against being in a relationship with him. The good memories are slowly fading. Just today, I was thinking about one of the tattoo’s he has on his body and I could not remember where it was located.

I hate that all I have left is the memories of how spineless and evil he has become. Really, all I want is for my heart to heal and for me to move on with my life. I don’t want to hate him, but he makes it so hard to feel any other way.

Mother theresa

 

 

Riding The Bitter Bus

I haven’t spoken to him in fifty days! It has been the longest that we have gone without contacting each other since we met in 1997.

The idea of texting him came into my head when one of the men I am conversing with asked me to be honest with him.  I don’t know how we came to the conversation, but he said, “I want you to be honest with me.  If he came back apologetic and was willing to work on the relationship.  Would you take him back?  No BS.”

I believe in honesty especially if you’re trying to develop a friendship of some sorts with people.  “Yes, I would.” I responded.  “But I don’t talk to him because of this reason.  Because he is no good for me.”

Then this sweet man said, “Then why are you not working on it? He will come back.  They always do.  I don’t even really know you, but I can tell you that they always come back.  Don’t kid yourself.”

I held my cell phone in my hand and thought about what this man had just said to me.  Could he be right?  Would he come back to me and my family would be back to together?  But at what cost? Could I trust him again?

I did not sleep well that night.  That morning, I spoke with another friend and told him about my conversation the night before.  He agreed and said my ex would be back.  We texted back and forth about how I could potentially test the waters while protecting my heart.  We decided that I could open the door of communication, by checking up to see how he was and to tell him the kids really missed him.

It took him hours to respond.  He said he wanted to see them.  It had been over fifty days since he saw our daughter.  This has been his new pattern ever since he started dating his new girlfriend.  The conversation was pleasant enough. Then out of the blue, he tells me he plans to move away and accused me of not giving him access to the kids.  Remember, he is a liar and a (cheating ***hole).  

It seemed nothing has changed with him.  Still the same old drama and ability to deflect his own shameful infidelity onto the person who he harmed.  I used to yearn for him to explain why he was the one who was so angry at our breakup when it was him who cheated, lied and destroyed our family. I was not sure what I was looking for in this explanation from him.  Maybe I wanted to know that he felt guilty for what he had done.

The wish for my (cheating ***hole) to understand and comprehend his behaviours and impact on people who love him is fruitless.  It is a complete waste of my time to argue or engage in anything he has to offer me at this time.  It is like the man, I fell in love with has died and has been replaced with a complete stranger that I want nothing to do with.

Over the last few days, he has been on my mind.  I feel sorry for him.  I feel sorry that he is wasting his life being angry at himself.  It is not me or anything that I have done that he is mad at.  I have come to the conclusion that he does realize what he has done and how much it has hurt someone else.

He has to face himself in the mirror everyday.  He has to live with the thoughts that he is not the great, wonderful and caring person that he wants to portray.  He is a bitter man and if he does not have it in him to forgive his transgressions he will forever live in agony.  It is up to him to make amends with himself in order to make amends with me and our children.  I feel so very sorry for him that this is how he will move forward into his middle age.

He is still the same.  I tried.  He is just not ready to change.

 

I Love You, But I Am Lying

This is a revised version of a post I wrote in September 2013.  Here is the original post.

I really despise seeing people in love, especially now that I am a single woman after 16 years of being with (cheating ***hole).  What does it really mean to be in love? I think people fall in love too quickly. I certainly think that people tell other people that they love them, when in the depths of their soul they don’t.  It’s like they are crossing their fingers behind their backs, hoping the other person with whose heart they are playing with won’t find out.

Love is over-rated and at this point I have a suspicion that I want nothing to do with it. I never really want to fall in love again with anyone.  The idea sounds great, having someone with whom you can turn to and grow with.

When I tell my friends that I will never fall in love again, they all say “Oh of course you will, give it time”.  Is that all we need to stop loving the person who touched the edges of your soul? Time?  I don’t necessarily agree with that.  And I find that this is the problem.  That it seems to be so easy for some people to just get over someone and to stop loving them so quickly.

I have a feeling that I will always love (cheating ***hole).  It has nothing to do with the fact that we have kids together, it’s the fact that  I was and I still am in love with him.  At the time, he was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I don’t regret sharing my life with him, even if it did not turn out the way I believed it would.  I do regret that he turned into a lying, cheating heartless soul.

About a month after (cheating ***hole) pulled my heart out of my chest with his bare hands, threw it in front of a truck and stood back and watched it get pummelled, I met rebound guy. I don’t know what I was thinking getting in a relationship with anyone at this point, but I did.

I wanted to prove to myself and to (cheating ***hole) that I did not need him to love me as much as I loved him. Actually, I wanted him to see me with someone else and come running back to me, with his tail between his legs and beg me to take his cheating ass back.  Then, we would live happily ever after.  Since I am writing this, it hasn’t happened.  Plus, I have realized who wants to really be with someone who lies about love.

I digress.  Back to rebound guy.  The first signs that this guy had a few screws loose was when he told me that he loved me after two weeks of us “dating.” I don’t quite remember how I felt being told I was loved after two weeks of knowing someone.  All, I knew was that this guy was not from my planet and in no way did I feel the same way about him.  I celebrated the day that I told him to hit the road.  I never loved or could love him.

My (cheating ***hole) told me he loved me too. I can recall the first time he told me he loved me.  It was 1997.  We had been seeing each other steady for a few months at this point.  We were in my apartment and had been listening to music.  He was sitting on the floor and I was laying on the couch.  My (cheating ***hole) looked at me and told me he loved me.  I told him I loved him too.  Remember back then, he was not a (cheating ***hole) but the love of my life.

I used to believe everything that came out of his mouth. I had never questioned his loyalty and commitment to our family and to our relationship.  I now question everything he ever said to me.  I think this is pretty normal after someone recklessly plays russian roulette with your life.

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Photo credit

If I was standing next to him watching a house on fire and he said “that house is on fire”. I would definitely think that he was lying through his teeth. I tend to think that he had many affairs that I did not know about.  I wonder how he got so good at being a lying cheat, if he did not practice it before.  As they say, “practice makes perfect.”

Just before I found out that my relationship had ended, (cheating ***hole) had another woman on the side and was living a double life.  He already knew that the relationship was over.  It was me who was the slow learner and needed to figure this out on my own.

He never really told me what happened between us.  Things had not been so great between us from the beginning.  The last few years, things were pretty horrible, but true to form people with disastrous childhoods tend to push all that stuff under the carpet and never vacuum up the crumbs that are underneath.

My (cheating ***hole) said something to me about loving me, but not being in love with me anymore. I still have not figured out what that even means. He was probably trying to throw me off from figuring him out.

How do you stop loving someone? How do you go from calling someone the love of your life to your biggest regret? Why is it that some people have to “kiss a lot of frogs” before they find the person they were meant to be with?  Why is that some people fall in love and stay in love forever? Or do some people just settle because the thought of starting over sounds too daunting of a task to undertake?

I really do not think that many of us know what it means to be in love.  People are so quick to walk out on their partners and not willing to work hard to salvage their relationship. Look at the older couples who are celebrating seventy years together. Can anyone in my generation say that they will be with the same person for their entire lives? Do we as a society want to live with someone for that length of a time?

I thought that was going to the (cheating ***hole) and I really thought that I would be sitting by his bed, holding his hand and weeping when he took his last breath.  Or that he would do the same for me.  I imagined us playing together with our grandchildren and remembering how far we had come together as a couple and as a family.

But he sure proved me wrong. He simply did not want to try going to an objective party to discuss how we both sucked at making our relationship work.  We did go to one objective party and the (cheating ***hole) sat next to me saying he wanted to fix our issues and that he loved me.  The funny thing was, he was in a relationship with someone else at this point.  The word love….I no longer trust it.

I guess I am just a bit cynical of love at this moment, because one day I was in a loving relationship and the next day, my whole life changed. Am I still interested in finding and falling in love, I guess I have to or I am setting my self up to be alone the rest of my life.  Maybe I will be settling too?

I certainly miss the love of my life now referred to as that (cheating ***hole).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ALL IN THE FAMILY(S)

I am a single mother.  I have four children and two separate families.  My  family 1 consists of my my three older children(boy 1, boy 2 and boy 3), (me) and my ex partner(cheating ***hole).

My second family consists of boy 3(you met him in family 1), (me) and my (persistent princess).

In family 1, I am a carefree mother, who spent time with her children as they grew up.  I attended school functions and went on school trips.  I raced my three boys in the park and I never let them win because they needed to learn how to be tough and to know that life isn’t always fair. My house was always clean and dinner was always ready on time.

I had a somewhat normal relationship with (cheating ***hole, who was then referred to as  my best friend). I knew what my future held and I made plans with(cheating ***hole) about growing old with him and still being in love.  We took road trips and and life was exciting.  There was lots of laughter and love in this family.

In family 2, I am a working mother  with little time with my kids.  I am always late for school functions and I have not volunteered to go on a school trip in over six years.  I can’t stay home to raise my kids, it would be a bad financial decision.

I have no life partner and my future is up in the air.  I don’t have a concrete future plan and I don’t have a man around the house to paint, put blinds up or put gas in my car.   I am seeing a new man, but I am unsure what we mean to each other.  It is hard to define.  We like each other,but I am fearful that he will turn out to be like (cheating ***hole) who at the moment has taught me not to believe in relationships and in love.

SPOILER ALERT: THE MAN CAVED AND I DID NOT! Are you confused?  You can read about who caved right here or you can get caught up on this story, right here.

My four children, are having totally different experiences.   They certainly have complete opposite childhood stories to tell their own children.

My son who sits in both family 1 and family 2,  lives a double life.  He was able to experience what it was like growing up with both his parents in the home, having a relationship with all his siblings, watching his siblings move out and then watching his family smash apart, like an egg falling to the ground, and all you can do is mutter to yourself knowing, this *hit is going to be a hassle to clean up. He has watched his parents be at odds with each other and watched his father change into this person that is indescribable.

You would think that he has the best of both worlds, being able to experience and have strong relationships with his siblings and his parents.  The thing is, I think he is worse off than the other children who have grown up and are growing up in both families.  He has the memories of what a two parent family was like, the great memories, the laughter, the trips and the love.  Then he gets to see, both his parents struggle with their identities as they try to rebuild their lives  separately.

He is now the man of the house in family 2.  He keeps track of where I am going, who I am going with and gets a little bossy at times. Sometimes, I feel like I am answering my father and I am prone to lie so I don’t get in trouble with him.

“I am going to the library with my friend. I will be home by curfew.”  I don’t think he believes me all the time.  He will text me, if I don’t come home when I say I will come home .  When I get his text, I know that I better respond right away and remember where I told him I was going, in order to keep my story straight.  He even waits up for me.  I always fail at sneaking in, he always catches me and gives me this look before he goes to bed.

The most difficult part of dating as a single parent is deciding how much risk your own child’s heart is worth” – Dan Pearce

My (persistent princess) is a single child, being raised by a single mother and a distant and inconsistent father.  She gets to be dropped off to daycare providers five days a week, so I can work.  I have co-parented with private and public daycare centres her entire life.  There has been more people who have assisted me in raising, educating, loving and caring for her when compared to her older siblings.

My (persistent princess) doesn’t get all of me, all the time because financially I am not able to be a stay at home mother.  I am raising her on an income that is drastically different than the one I raised her older siblings on.  Times are tight and money is scarce.  Things are certainly different in terms of what she is able to have, when compared to what her siblings were able to have.  Things are more expensive and the list of what is available to purchase now is exhaustive.

Getting the (cheating ***hole) to financially support her and be there for her has tired me out.  I used to take it upon myself to arrange his access visits.  I no longer feel it is my responsibility to encourage a man who was fully capable of being a father in the past, to be one now.  It is is loss and he is sowing his own seeds of despair.

Boys 1 and 2 do not need me as much as they used to anymore.  Soon they will delight me with weddings, children and celebrations.  It feels really awkward thinking of how wonderful it will be to hold one of grandchildren or watch boy 1 and boy 2 fall in love.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and and do things differently for them.  Maybe I would offer them more independence like I do to persistent princess and boy 3 and maybe I wouldn’t spoil them so much as I did when they were kids.  I did the best I could with what I had and as they travel on their own paths, I hope they have learned from the mistakes of their earliest teachers (me) and (cheating ***hole).

I have experienced both the empty nest syndrome and the joys of watching milestones, sometimes on the same day.  There are days, when the memories of the old days come flooding back to me.  Three little boys running around the house, cars, trucks and bikes carelessly left in the backyard.  My (cheating ***hole), helping me to raise three boys and trying his best to make them into a better man than he was.

Then there are the days, when (persistent princess)’s voice travels through our little apartment and her laughter is so boastful and happy.  Then I see a picture that boy 3 has taken of himself and persistent princess and it warms my heart to see that somehow they are able to stay close and protect each other.  Then, I know I wouldn’t change anything because I love family 1 and family 2 with all I have.

You never know, maybe I will start family 3…

“I’ve remembered that most of life is about small, essential connections, so unobtrusive, so elastic, that you scarcely realize they’re actually holding you together. The big ones-the great, grand emotional bonds-those are the ones that break, the ones that fail you, the ones that give way and send you careening toward the foot of the bleak and jagged canyon. It’s the tough, gnarled, unadorned ties that really do bind, that never let you fall all the way down into darkness.”  – Sharon Shinn