Category Archives: Love

User Name: Michael****

When your relationship ends you desperately want to talk to someone about it.  You want to rage against the unfairness of the situation, you want to hide away under a rock and hope no one turns it over and you want to find someone who understands how you feel when you wake up and when you try to fall asleep.

It’s been a year since the friendship between  Michael S. and I developed.   We met in a group for separated people.  We both had just recently broken up with our partners and wanted to find a way to get them back.  We were both struggling with transitioning from being a couple to being single individuals.  I was so tired of travelling that dirt road alone, I wanted someone who was willing to travel with me.

Mike seemed to be dealing better with the breakup than I was.  I read a few comments he had posted on the group for a month before I felt brave enough to ask his opinion on my situation.  He often gave other members of the group great advice, he was likened to a social worker, a therapist or someone who knew what they were talking about.  He knew how to handle this tough situation and I wanted to draw some of his strength and take it as my own.

Mike was direct and didn’t mince his words to make you feel coddled.  If he thought you were being out-of-place, or needed to be redirected he would give it to you.  He would just tell you how he saw it and it was up to you to take it or leave it.

I desperately wanted to have his take on my situation.  I think I must have written my question to him a million times, before I clicked the send button.  I wanted to take it back as soon as it was out there.

I wanted my ex back without a doubt and so did Mike.    I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to transition from having a family to being  just a mother.  I didn’t even know how to get out of bed every morning, but I did it because I had to.  I needed someone to get it.  My friends said they understood, but most were still happily married or happily separated.  I was neither.

From the moment, Mike responded to my question, I clung to every word he had to say.  I would respond to his comment and then he would say something else and on and on this little dance between us went.

Eventually, we left the group that brought us together.  We had each other for strength and I looked forward to just talking with him.   We exchanged phone numbers and continued to support each other along our path to surviving our breakups.

I have never met Mike in person. I have seen his picture on Facebook.  I was there when he found out his grandmother had died.  I have shared in his life celebrations and listened silently when he has felt defeated.

We have talked about meeting on several occasions.   I have never been to St. Louis, Missouri and Mike has never been to Canada.  Of all the relationships I have with people in my lives, this one has become very important to me.  Mike is one of my closest and dearest friends and I don’t ever want that to change.

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Playing House

My boyfriend is house hunting.  He asked me to tag along with him as he looks for the most perfect home.  He and I are over 700 kilometres apart as he took a huge job promotion.

My boyfriend sends me pictures of all the places he is looking at and I give him my opinion.  I told him I like lakefront houses after I spent a day at my friend’s property.  Now all he wants to see is lakefront homes and I love him more because I know that he is putting me in his future.

I think we are both daydreaming about what it would be like to live together as we are finding it very hard to be apart.  It’s a huge sacrifice on both our parts as we are very new to each other and want to spend every waking moment together.  Ever since we met we spent every day together even if it was for a few hours.  It has been a transition to not see him everyday, not being able to touch him but only having the chance to hear his voice or see his name come across my phone, telling me I have a text message.

We are certainly learning to fall in love with each other and distance is a test of our commitment to each other.

So, my sweet man came across this house.  Lakefront house to be correct.  It is absolutely lovely, wood floors throughout, deck and enough bedrooms for a family.  I told him he should get it because the price is just right.

He says he is not ready to buy a place like that yet.  He says he needs to deal with his bullshit(ex wife and separation) and in a year he will will be ready to buy a house like that.

I tell him that it sounds like a good idea.  Maybe in a year, if we are still dating “we” can get a place like that together and maybe that house will still be available.  My boyfriend says “You never know.  Be optimistic.”  I tell him I am optimistic.  Then I tell him not to screw it up. We both laugh.

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Let Me Introduce Myself

I met my ex when I was twenty-five years old through a mutual friend who thought that we would be the perfect couple. I don’t know if we were the perfect couple, but we were perfect for each other for the time we shared.

From the moment we met we were inseparable. We grew up together and most of our life experiences and mistakes were a team effort. I always knew that no matter what was happening outside the walls of our home, there was always a soft place I could fall back on. Him.

When I think about the last year and how our relationship ended by a text message the pain of it still remains. I believed that I deserved a little more respect than what he tossed me. When we met we both had nothing and we built a life, a family and careers together. I hoped with all I had, that the man I had met and spent close to two decades with, would show me something other than a text that he was in love with some twenty-eight year old stripper.

My ex is the biggest coward ever. He had no balls and no guts to face me. It will be a year in July that our relationship officially ended. He has never apologized(except one lame email where he said sorry but never said what he was sorry for) for cheating or walking away from his family. He has never faced me or treated me like the woman he used to profess his love for. He has treated me like a stranger he hates and at times I have done the same.

Sometimes, I do regret that I ever dated him and spent so much of my life with him. I am in my forties and left to raise our children on our own. He not only discarded me like I did not matter, but he has treated our children the same way. Currently, he is evading paying his child support payments because he feels that I should not have a “red cent” from him.

If I knew then what I know now, I may have decided against being in a relationship with him. The good memories are slowly fading. Just today, I was thinking about one of the tattoo’s he has on his body and I could not remember where it was located.

I hate that all I have left is the memories of how spineless and evil he has become. Really, all I want is for my heart to heal and for me to move on with my life. I don’t want to hate him, but he makes it so hard to feel any other way.

Mother theresa

 

 

I Love You, But I Am Lying

This is a revised version of a post I wrote in September 2013.  Here is the original post.

I really despise seeing people in love, especially now that I am a single woman after 16 years of being with (cheating ***hole).  What does it really mean to be in love? I think people fall in love too quickly. I certainly think that people tell other people that they love them, when in the depths of their soul they don’t.  It’s like they are crossing their fingers behind their backs, hoping the other person with whose heart they are playing with won’t find out.

Love is over-rated and at this point I have a suspicion that I want nothing to do with it. I never really want to fall in love again with anyone.  The idea sounds great, having someone with whom you can turn to and grow with.

When I tell my friends that I will never fall in love again, they all say “Oh of course you will, give it time”.  Is that all we need to stop loving the person who touched the edges of your soul? Time?  I don’t necessarily agree with that.  And I find that this is the problem.  That it seems to be so easy for some people to just get over someone and to stop loving them so quickly.

I have a feeling that I will always love (cheating ***hole).  It has nothing to do with the fact that we have kids together, it’s the fact that  I was and I still am in love with him.  At the time, he was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I don’t regret sharing my life with him, even if it did not turn out the way I believed it would.  I do regret that he turned into a lying, cheating heartless soul.

About a month after (cheating ***hole) pulled my heart out of my chest with his bare hands, threw it in front of a truck and stood back and watched it get pummelled, I met rebound guy. I don’t know what I was thinking getting in a relationship with anyone at this point, but I did.

I wanted to prove to myself and to (cheating ***hole) that I did not need him to love me as much as I loved him. Actually, I wanted him to see me with someone else and come running back to me, with his tail between his legs and beg me to take his cheating ass back.  Then, we would live happily ever after.  Since I am writing this, it hasn’t happened.  Plus, I have realized who wants to really be with someone who lies about love.

I digress.  Back to rebound guy.  The first signs that this guy had a few screws loose was when he told me that he loved me after two weeks of us “dating.” I don’t quite remember how I felt being told I was loved after two weeks of knowing someone.  All, I knew was that this guy was not from my planet and in no way did I feel the same way about him.  I celebrated the day that I told him to hit the road.  I never loved or could love him.

My (cheating ***hole) told me he loved me too. I can recall the first time he told me he loved me.  It was 1997.  We had been seeing each other steady for a few months at this point.  We were in my apartment and had been listening to music.  He was sitting on the floor and I was laying on the couch.  My (cheating ***hole) looked at me and told me he loved me.  I told him I loved him too.  Remember back then, he was not a (cheating ***hole) but the love of my life.

I used to believe everything that came out of his mouth. I had never questioned his loyalty and commitment to our family and to our relationship.  I now question everything he ever said to me.  I think this is pretty normal after someone recklessly plays russian roulette with your life.

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Photo credit

If I was standing next to him watching a house on fire and he said “that house is on fire”. I would definitely think that he was lying through his teeth. I tend to think that he had many affairs that I did not know about.  I wonder how he got so good at being a lying cheat, if he did not practice it before.  As they say, “practice makes perfect.”

Just before I found out that my relationship had ended, (cheating ***hole) had another woman on the side and was living a double life.  He already knew that the relationship was over.  It was me who was the slow learner and needed to figure this out on my own.

He never really told me what happened between us.  Things had not been so great between us from the beginning.  The last few years, things were pretty horrible, but true to form people with disastrous childhoods tend to push all that stuff under the carpet and never vacuum up the crumbs that are underneath.

My (cheating ***hole) said something to me about loving me, but not being in love with me anymore. I still have not figured out what that even means. He was probably trying to throw me off from figuring him out.

How do you stop loving someone? How do you go from calling someone the love of your life to your biggest regret? Why is it that some people have to “kiss a lot of frogs” before they find the person they were meant to be with?  Why is that some people fall in love and stay in love forever? Or do some people just settle because the thought of starting over sounds too daunting of a task to undertake?

I really do not think that many of us know what it means to be in love.  People are so quick to walk out on their partners and not willing to work hard to salvage their relationship. Look at the older couples who are celebrating seventy years together. Can anyone in my generation say that they will be with the same person for their entire lives? Do we as a society want to live with someone for that length of a time?

I thought that was going to the (cheating ***hole) and I really thought that I would be sitting by his bed, holding his hand and weeping when he took his last breath.  Or that he would do the same for me.  I imagined us playing together with our grandchildren and remembering how far we had come together as a couple and as a family.

But he sure proved me wrong. He simply did not want to try going to an objective party to discuss how we both sucked at making our relationship work.  We did go to one objective party and the (cheating ***hole) sat next to me saying he wanted to fix our issues and that he loved me.  The funny thing was, he was in a relationship with someone else at this point.  The word love….I no longer trust it.

I guess I am just a bit cynical of love at this moment, because one day I was in a loving relationship and the next day, my whole life changed. Am I still interested in finding and falling in love, I guess I have to or I am setting my self up to be alone the rest of my life.  Maybe I will be settling too?

I certainly miss the love of my life now referred to as that (cheating ***hole).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life Is Like A Blog…..

It’s 6am in the morning and I have been contemplating since last night what I should write for my first assignment for Blogging 101.  The first assignment was to tell my story about why I am blogging and to introduce myself to the Blogging 101 community.  I had already done that on two occasions.

I started blogging in September 2013 when my relationship ended.  I was very angry and I wanted the world to know how I felt.  I wanted my ex to come across my blog one day and see how much he had hurt me.  Maybe he would care. I introduced myself as a newly separated black woman with an ex who had done the unthinkable.  He was unfaithful.

I took some time off from writing and blogging as I made a very lame attempt of trying to get this man back in my life.  I really missed him.  I was stuck in the past with the wonderful memories we had.  I just wanted my old life back as quickly as I had lost it.

Then I woke up and asked myself why I was trying so hard to get someone to love me again.  It just didn’t seem fair to me.  So, after four months of almost losing my dignity, I came back to WordPress and reread my first initial blog entries.

I could not believe what I had read.  I was that bitter jilted ex lover, you hear about in books, in movies and on television.   I did not want to be this person.  I was not this person. I continued reading and the more I read, the more those old feelings came back to me.  Rejection, humiliation, devastation and pain.  I no longer wanted to feel like that.

I wasn’t sure if I should leave my old blogs out there for the world to see.  I spoke with a friend about what I had written in September 2013 and what he thought I should do with those blogs.    He told me, that those stories were part of this journey, part of my healing and part of of my growth.  He told me to leave them up, as they were, unedited and raw.  I agreed.

So I left my first stories that were thrown into blogsphere exactly where they had fallen.   As I began to recreate myself on WordPress(I no longer wanted to be identified as the jilted ex lover), my stories were funnier, had more depth and emotion(good ones).  I did not want to be connected to how I felt back in September 2013.  I am no longer that person.  It’s my ex’s fault he lost a good woman and he will have to live with that decision for the rest of his life.  I decided that I would not delete my initial blogs, I would make them private, just for me and for whomever, I chose to share my story with.

Maybe they will make it into my book that I want to publish.  Maybe they will forever stay private.  Who knows at this point.  Time will tell.  I am not done healing yet.  They say if you can tell your story without crying, then you know you are healed.  I don’t cry anymore.  However, I still feel that knot in my stomach when I think about him, about us and about the plans we had made.

So what began as a personal diary has now become a lifelong dream.  I want to be a published author.  I want t o inspire people. I want my “voice” to be heard.

So, keep reading I am not done yet.

 

MEMORY LANE

My six-year-old daughter is the exact replicate of me.  It’s scary.  How can someone so little, have such a big, bossy and unique personality like her mother.  Someone told me once, that she is an old soul and had been on this earth in another life.  They also told me that she was a gift from the Universe, because she held the relationship I had with her father a little longer by her blessing our lives with love.  I believe it, now when I do have time to look back on where we were before we had her, it makes sense.  She needed us and our love needed her.

“For the first forty days a child is given dreams of previous lives. Journeys, winding paths, a hundred small lessons and then the past is erased.”  – Michael Ondaatje 

I love telling people the story of how I found out that I was going to be a mother again.  My daughter loves to hear this story too at certain points in our journey together.  There are two versions to the story, one for her little heart and ears and the one I tell those who want to know about how I became a mother.

I was doing dishes and her father had a family member come over for a visit.  I didn’t think anything of it, so I continued doing my chores while he visited outside.  Her dad then came inside and stood looking at me with this soft look in his eyes. His eyes were the roadmap to his soul.

He then told me there was this little girl born the day before who needed a good home and we were asked to take care.  I remember laughing at the thought of starting over with a baby.  My youngest at the time was ten years old.  It was a silly idea, we couldn’t do it.  No way!  I had waited for years to get my career started and here I was in the thick of it and a baby was going to ruin the plans I had made.

We continued this conversation way into the night, bouncing the thought of becoming parents to a little girl off the wall that we were staring at.   There was money, time, commitment, our relationship and our other children to think about.  There was no way we could do this.

It would be nice to have a little girl in the house, someone to team up with me against a house filled with boys.  It would be nice to dress her up in beautiful dresses, it would be nice to buy pink ribbons and put them in her hair.  It would be nice to have a little baby babbling in our home.  What was I thinking?  This idea was so far-fetched.  What roadblocks would we have to jump over to have her come home to us?

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That  night we both barely slept, talking into the night about whether we should jump in with both feet or run for the hills.  We tossed and turned until daylight and then got up to face the day, with three boys, a life, bills that were over due, and the constant thought that our relationship would never last the test and the trials that were to come with a baby. In the end, we painted a nursery, our friends collected clothes for us, we changed our lives and became parents to a little girl we always dreamed of.

My daughter knows that she did not grow in my tummy.  She knows she has a “tummy mommy.” I am not sure where I came up with the story I tell her about her “birth”,  but when your then four-year old asks you how she came to live with you,   being quick on your toes is necessary.

What she knows about her “birth” is that her other mommy was sick and needed to get better.  I told her that her other mommy came to our house with her and asked if her daddy and I would take care of her.

My daughter gets really excited and asks in her high-pitched voice, “what did you say, mommy?”  Then I tell her that “of course I will take care of her.  I will love her forever and I am happy to be her new mommy.”  My daughter then sits back with this huge smile on her face and her arms crossed, like she won the Playoffs.

When I look back on how I became her mother, our love story may have started at a kitchen sink, hands in dirty water and looking into her father’s eyes.  But to us, it’s the best love story to be told.  I found a little girl who is just like me in every way and my life would not exist without her.  She champions me everyday to be a better woman, mother, person and human being.

adoption

I’ll be okay. Is this what you wanted me to say?

hollywood

I watch way too much television and Hollywood movies.   I need to stop.  I need to remind myself that television shows and movies are written by people with ambitious hearts and wild imaginations.

I want that fairytale romance, where the man looks me into my eyes and right away we both know it was meant to be.  You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that there is nothing in the world that you want more than spending the rest of your life with this person? And you know by the way he looks at you across the crowded room, that he feels the same way.  I haven’t found that look yet and I don’t have that feeling yet.

But who doesn’t want a story like the Notebook?  Who doesn’t want that epic love story about the most perfect couple, that defied all odds and stayed in love? But I need to remind myself that I am not Allie and he is not Noah.  There is no running into each other’s arms, because I don’t think either of us are ready to do that.

noah

I think I know what I want from a relationship.  I want a man that is romantic, and sends me flowers at work because he was thinking about me and wanted to remind me how much I mean to him.   I want a man that will call me on a Friday afternoon and tell me that he made reservations for us out of town and that he had arranged a babysitter for my kids, all I had to do was pack my bags and be ready to drive off into the sunset with him. I want a man who looks at me and I can see that I am important  to him.

I need the star shine of your heavenly eyes, after the day’s great sun.” – Charles Hanson Towne

The man I have been seeing has a kind heart, he makes me laugh, he doesn’t pressure me to be someone else, he thinks I am funny, he likes my sarcasm.  We can sit  in the same room in total silence, each doing what we want and totally be comfortable doing it, with no pressures to entertain one another.  I like that I can let my guard down with someone I haven’t known for long. He likes me how I am, a little messed up, a little distrustful, with a lot of passion and affection.  I can totally be the person I am, without the pressures  of working tirelessly to change.  Something, I did not have in my last relationship.

 He is not perfect.  His heart has been broken and he doesn’t trust me nor trust himself with me.   He says he doesn’t make plans, he lives day to day and I am not sure what he means by that.  Is this an easy cop out so he does not have to commit to me or to a relationship.  Did making plans with someone in his past teach him never to plan for the future because people just disappoint you? I know that I have learned the same lesson at some point in my life.  People don’t always tell you that they don’t want the life you both had planned together.

Is it up to me to show him that I am worth the risk, that I am not and will never be the women he dated before me.  I don’t like the woman he dated before me.  They have made  this hard for me.  I am left to clean up the mess they made and the vibes I am getting is this mess is huge.  I don’t know the details and I don’t think I want to.  What I know is that he mentioned something about loyalty, change and emotions and I figured it was best not to ask any more questions.

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He keeps me at arms length most of the time. I have a suspicion I am doing the same too.  It seems neither of us trusts the other with our hearts.  It feels pathetic and somewhat passionate at times, that the more we try to persuade our hearts not to get involved with each other, the more we want each other.  We both want a relationship, but on our terms only. It seems like the most perfect love story, heartbreaking and exhilarating all at the same time.

Most people would tell me to walk away from this relationship, there is nothing tying us together, we don’t have any children together, we haven’t been seeing each other long enough, the break will be clean, I won’t even miss him.  But then, I will only do what the man before him did, walk away from the potential that with a bit of hard work, things can work out.  I don’t like giving up on people and I don’t like people giving up on me.

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I know that he has thought of walking away too.  There are days where he goes silent and where his conversations with me are short.  And I let him slowly push me away,  because maybe it would be easier for me if he decided for both of us this isn’t what we want.  I close my eyes and pray that we both can slowly fade out of each other’s lives and keep the little time we had together, hidden beneath the scars in our hearts.

Then we miss each other and someone caves in and reaches out to connect and restart this painful but sometimes perfect journey back into each other’s lives.  Is this enough for me to stay?  I am his girl and he is my boy and for now, I think we are ok with this.  I just don’t know who will cave in this time…..

DISPOSABLE RELATIONSHIPS

We live in a disposable society.  Everything can be replaced for the next big thing, something shinier, something newer and something better.  Now when something breaks we replace it.  It’s that simple. We break our cell phones, we just get a new one.  We get a new car, because we want to drive something newer and better. Our homes are not big enough, so we get something bigger.  Our jobs don’t pay enough, so we move on.

The grass is always greener on the other side.  People don’t believe in forever love anymore.  People don’t want to work at anything.  It seems our society has gotten lazy, if it takes effort then it isn’t worth it.  It seems to be the norm that relationships don’t last very long anymore.

When we see an older couple still together, we are in awe.  We want to know what is their secret of weathering the storm.  There are no secrets.  Things were different, if it broke you fixed it and you made due.  There was no money to hire and lawyer.  There was no starting over on your own.  They fought it out, stayed silent for a few days and fixed what broke.  It was that simple. People stuck together and they learned to fall back in love again.  They stayed committed.

People don’t want to work at anything that meant something important to them at one point in their lives.  Love, commitment and loyalty are words that anyone can say, but a few can do.  We are surrounded and bombarded by broken relationships and the easy task of walking away.

People and relationships should not be disposable.  Life is not easy, relationships are not simple and love is hard work.  But, we dispose of our relationships and the people in it too easily.  We maybe a disposable society today, but I guarantee you, we will become a society filled with people with regret.

Regretting the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we threw away and the things we could have fixed but didn’t.

 

 

 

SATURDAY NIGHT

I miss him on lonely Friday nights and lazy Saturdays

I feel like I am forgetting what he looks like and the sound of his voice

I feel the memories slowly begin to fade I reach out and grab them trying to persuade

I miss him at nights when I close my eyes

His touch, his smell and his skin on mine

The late night talks and the laughs we shared

I miss the way he held me on a new day

The plans we made while laying there

I don’t want to miss the memories

I don’t want to miss his touch

I don’t want to miss anything because it is becoming too much

“If I don’t write to empty my mind, I go mad.” Lord Byron

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

Over the last few days, I have been overwhelmed with the fact that there are many people in my life who I have not forgiven for the pain and the hurt that they have caused me over the years.  I hold a bitter grudge and a dangling chain of animosity and anger when the thoughts of their actions, words or at times their existence even crosses my mind.  To be honest, when I think of what they have done to me, my anger is so overwhelming it can take me a week to push it aside and process my pain.  To be more honest, my angry towards these people have forced me to make some very impulsive decisions that I wish in hindsight I could take back.

I am not an evil person. I want to say that I am kind, generous, loving and caring.  That is the person, I strive to be and the person that is hidden behind and below the surface of my pain.

But when it comes to forgiving those who have crossed me in any way, I wish them double the pain and anguish that I went through at their hands.  The men who raped and molested me, my mother who abused me, my father who did not protect me, the ex who cheated on me and the grade one girls who teased me, it is these people who I blame for the anger that seethes below the surface.

But my anger and my inability of not being able to let go of my pain, has nothing to do with these people but everything to do with me.  I have not forgiven myself.  I cannot forgive all those people who hurt me, if I have not forgiven myself for whatever faults or mistakes I have made.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Did I need my mother to apologize for being horrible at parenting me?  Did I need those men who raped me to know how their actions have impacted me?  Do I really need my ex to look me in the face and say he was sorry?  What would change if I got all of these things?  Sure, I think I would feel somewhat liberated to know that for once, my voice was heard and my pain was revealed.  But what would be next, would I be a different person, would the walls I built around my heart, my life and my spirit come crumbling down and free me?

My struggle with forgiveness begins with me.  It is up to me to forgive the mistakes and choices that I have made on my journey through this life.  I need to forgive the shame I feel for being a semi survivor of child hood sexual abuse.  (I will explain this later). I need to forgive my mother for being physically and emotionally abusive towards me. I need to forgive my ex for infidelity.  It it only through doing these things that I can truly be free from my own painful childhood.  It is only through doing these things will I be able to forgive those who hurt me.  Without self forgiveness and self love, I will always be a caged gorilla, beating on my chest, screaming out…look at me, see my pain.

I don’t know about you, but forgiving yourself is not an easy task to undertake.  It begins with really evaluating every aspect of yourself, your life, your choices and your mistakes and coming to terms with all of that.  It is about realizing that you are not perfect, nor should you strive to be.  Its about coming full circle with the fact that not only have you been hurt and injured but you have also hurt and injured other people.  I really want to forgive those who hurt me, the anger is only a mask.  So, the journey begins with me being able to say and accept the fact that I made some horrible mistakes along the way.  But I am ready now.

“Can I be forgiven for all I’ve done to get here?
I want to be.
I can.
I believe it.” 
― Veronica Roth