Over the last few days, I have been overwhelmed with the fact that there are many people in my life who I have not forgiven for the pain and the hurt that they have caused me over the years. I hold a bitter grudge and a dangling chain of animosity and anger when the thoughts of their actions, words or at times their existence even crosses my mind. To be honest, when I think of what they have done to me, my anger is so overwhelming it can take me a week to push it aside and process my pain. To be more honest, my angry towards these people have forced me to make some very impulsive decisions that I wish in hindsight I could take back.
I am not an evil person. I want to say that I am kind, generous, loving and caring. That is the person, I strive to be and the person that is hidden behind and below the surface of my pain.
But when it comes to forgiving those who have crossed me in any way, I wish them double the pain and anguish that I went through at their hands. The men who raped and molested me, my mother who abused me, my father who did not protect me, the ex who cheated on me and the grade one girls who teased me, it is these people who I blame for the anger that seethes below the surface.
But my anger and my inability of not being able to let go of my pain, has nothing to do with these people but everything to do with me. I have not forgiven myself. I cannot forgive all those people who hurt me, if I have not forgiven myself for whatever faults or mistakes I have made. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Did I need my mother to apologize for being horrible at parenting me? Did I need those men who raped me to know how their actions have impacted me? Do I really need my ex to look me in the face and say he was sorry? What would change if I got all of these things? Sure, I think I would feel somewhat liberated to know that for once, my voice was heard and my pain was revealed. But what would be next, would I be a different person, would the walls I built around my heart, my life and my spirit come crumbling down and free me?
My struggle with forgiveness begins with me. It is up to me to forgive the mistakes and choices that I have made on my journey through this life. I need to forgive the shame I feel for being a semi survivor of child hood sexual abuse. (I will explain this later). I need to forgive my mother for being physically and emotionally abusive towards me. I need to forgive my ex for infidelity. It it only through doing these things that I can truly be free from my own painful childhood. It is only through doing these things will I be able to forgive those who hurt me. Without self forgiveness and self love, I will always be a caged gorilla, beating on my chest, screaming out…look at me, see my pain.
I don’t know about you, but forgiving yourself is not an easy task to undertake. It begins with really evaluating every aspect of yourself, your life, your choices and your mistakes and coming to terms with all of that. It is about realizing that you are not perfect, nor should you strive to be. Its about coming full circle with the fact that not only have you been hurt and injured but you have also hurt and injured other people. I really want to forgive those who hurt me, the anger is only a mask. So, the journey begins with me being able to say and accept the fact that I made some horrible mistakes along the way. But I am ready now.
“Can I be forgiven for all I’ve done to get here?
I want to be.
I believe it.”
― Veronica Roth