Let Me Introduce Myself

I met my ex when I was twenty-five years old through a mutual friend who thought that we would be the perfect couple. I don’t know if we were the perfect couple, but we were perfect for each other for the time we shared.

From the moment we met we were inseparable. We grew up together and most of our life experiences and mistakes were a team effort. I always knew that no matter what was happening outside the walls of our home, there was always a soft place I could fall back on. Him.

When I think about the last year and how our relationship ended by a text message the pain of it still remains. I believed that I deserved a little more respect than what he tossed me. When we met we both had nothing and we built a life, a family and careers together. I hoped with all I had, that the man I had met and spent close to two decades with, would show me something other than a text that he was in love with some twenty-eight year old stripper.

My ex is the biggest coward ever. He had no balls and no guts to face me. It will be a year in July that our relationship officially ended. He has never apologized(except one lame email where he said sorry but never said what he was sorry for) for cheating or walking away from his family. He has never faced me or treated me like the woman he used to profess his love for. He has treated me like a stranger he hates and at times I have done the same.

Sometimes, I do regret that I ever dated him and spent so much of my life with him. I am in my forties and left to raise our children on our own. He not only discarded me like I did not matter, but he has treated our children the same way. Currently, he is evading paying his child support payments because he feels that I should not have a “red cent” from him.

If I knew then what I know now, I may have decided against being in a relationship with him. The good memories are slowly fading. Just today, I was thinking about one of the tattoo’s he has on his body and I could not remember where it was located.

I hate that all I have left is the memories of how spineless and evil he has become. Really, all I want is for my heart to heal and for me to move on with my life. I don’t want to hate him, but he makes it so hard to feel any other way.

 

 

Riding The Bitter Bus

I haven’t spoken to him in fifty days! It has been the longest that we have gone without contacting each other since we met in 1997.

The idea of texting him came into my head when one of the men I am conversing with asked me to be honest with him.  I don’t know how we came to the conversation, but he said, “I want you to be honest with me.  If he came back apologetic and was willing to work on the relationship.  Would you take him back?  No BS.”

I believe in honesty especially if you’re trying to develop a friendship of some sorts with people.  “Yes, I would.” I responded.  “But I don’t talk to him because of this reason.  Because he is no good for me.”

Then this sweet man said, “Then why are you not working on it? He will come back.  They always do.  I don’t even really know you, but I can tell you that they always come back.  Don’t kid yourself.”

I held my cell phone in my hand and thought about what this man had just said to me.  Could he be right?  Would he come back to me and my family would be back to together?  But at what cost? Could I trust him again?

I did not sleep well that night.  That morning, I spoke with another friend and told him about my conversation the night before.  He agreed and said my ex would be back.  We texted back and forth about how I could potentially test the waters while protecting my heart.  We decided that I could open the door of communication, by checking up to see how he was and to tell him the kids really missed him.

It took him hours to respond.  He said he wanted to see them.  It had been over fifty days since he saw our daughter.  This has been his new pattern ever since he started dating his new girlfriend.  The conversation was pleasant enough. Then out of the blue, he tells me he plans to move away and accused me of not giving him access to the kids.  Remember, he is a liar and a (cheating ***hole).  

It seemed nothing has changed with him.  Still the same old drama and ability to deflect his own shameful infidelity onto the person who he harmed.  I used to yearn for him to explain why he was the one who was so angry at our breakup when it was him who cheated, lied and destroyed our family. I was not sure what I was looking for in this explanation from him.  Maybe I wanted to know that he felt guilty for what he had done.

The wish for my (cheating ***hole) to understand and comprehend his behaviours and impact on people who love him is fruitless.  It is a complete waste of my time to argue or engage in anything he has to offer me at this time.  It is like the man, I fell in love with has died and has been replaced with a complete stranger that I want nothing to do with.

Over the last few days, he has been on my mind.  I feel sorry for him.  I feel sorry that he is wasting his life being angry at himself.  It is not me or anything that I have done that he is mad at.  I have come to the conclusion that he does realize what he has done and how much it has hurt someone else.

He has to face himself in the mirror everyday.  He has to live with the thoughts that he is not the great, wonderful and caring person that he wants to portray.  He is a bitter man and if he does not have it in him to forgive his transgressions he will forever live in agony.  It is up to him to make amends with himself in order to make amends with me and our children.  I feel so very sorry for him that this is how he will move forward into his middle age.

He is still the same.  I tried.  He is just not ready to change.

 

Liebster Award

I got nominated for the Liebster Award. I want to thank Lyralla for nominating me. She has an amazing blog and the concept is genius. These are the rules:

The Liebster Award is awarded to bloggers with under 200 followers to try to promote their blog a little and also bring together a community of bloggers. The rules of the competition are as follows:

• The nominated user must provide a link bank to the person who nominated them.
• Provide 11 facts about yourself.
• Answer 11 questions set by the person who nominated you.
• Choose 11 more people and ask them 11 questions.

Eleven Facts about me

1. When I was a kid I wanted to be a lawyer. My mother told me that I couldn’t do it, so I never pursued it.

2. My ex accused me of cheating on him and I agreed because I did not want him to leave me. He left anyway. I never cheated

3. I am currently, seeing two men who both have the same name.   I have dubbed them man1 and man2.

4. I want to have another child very badly

5. I am in my forties and I have never been married. This kind of bothers me.

6. I have never left Canada since I was 12 years old

7. I have always wanted to travel to Australia. I made plans to do this in ten years on my daughter’s sixteenth birthday

8. I never had a birthday party. Ever!

9. I was hit by a drunk driver February 21, 2013 and I have a neck injury

10. I have a Bachelor of Social Work

11. I dislike my real name and wish I could change it

 

My questions

1. Why did you start blogging?

2. Who, what, and/or where does your blogging inspiration come from?

3. What is your favorite quote?

4. If you were the main character in a movie, which actress would you want to play your role?

5. What do you dislike about blogging? (Be honest!)

1. What is your favorite book?

2. What is your favorite book?

3. What is the hardest thing you have ever done, or the biggest obstacle you have faced in your life?

4. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do or where would you go?

5. What do your friends/family think about your blogging?

6. What is one of the best things you like about yourself?

 

I nominate the following awesome bloggers because they write within my genre.   Athena’s  Wicked Owl, Deb’s World, Shattered by my husband’s affair, A Lyttle More, Indigo’s Musing, Becoming single, Rosemont Reflections, Blessings in waiting, Pensive Digression, Joyfulmeadow and The ghanaianboy.

Thanks again for the nomination

 

SATURDAY NIGHT

I miss him on lonely Friday nights and lazy Saturdays

I feel like I am forgetting what he looks like and the sound of his voice

I feel the memories slowly begin to fade I reach out and grab them trying to persuade

I miss him at nights when I close my eyes

His touch, his smell and his skin on mine

The late night talks and the laughs we shared

I miss the way he held me on a new day

The plans we made while laying there

I don’t want to miss the memories

I don’t want to miss his touch

I don’t want to miss anything because it is becoming too much

“If I don’t write to empty my mind, I go mad.” Lord Byron

Dear Mom

I wanted to write something tonight, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say.  As my daughter was brushing her teeth, I sat in the bathroom  checking out what everyone was up to on Facebook.  I came across a letter a young girl had written to her mother.  This letter hit home for me,  it was deep, emotional and inspiring.  Thank you young girl, everything I ever wanted to say to my mother, you just said it for me.  With her permission:

Dear Mom,

I wish you would stop trying to put labels on me. Like dad, I’m only an “adult” when its convenient to you. You know what, I’ve never used that word to describe myself. EVER. I’m only 16 and I take pride and joy in not having any kids or responsibilities that tie me down. So you’re damn right I’m not an adult. I’m still very much ‘just a kid’. I spend money on material things, food, things I’ll only use once and then forget about. I eat junk and fast food. I eat sugary cereal and watch cartoons. What you forget is that I had to be an “adult” very early in life because of the man (or lack there of) you chose to have kids with.

So every mistake, every opportunity, every experience I missed out on, I’m reliving! I’ve seen SO MANY miserable “adults” in these 16 years and I’ve always promised myself I wouldn’t be one of them. So I chose a career that I could never get bored with, MUSIC. Believe it or not I learned plenty from you and dad’s mistakes, stories, and lifetimes and I guess you both did your job because I’m stronger and wiser than the both of u were at 16. I don’t know everything, but I do know everything about ME. “Don’t grow up too fast” extends past people over age 7. Fuck society and it’s views of what an “adult” should be. Name me one “adult” you know that has followed that blueprint and is completely happy with their life.

I LOVE seeing old ladies with their hair dyed crazy colors, piercings, etc. To me, they are the epitomy of life, and what the enjoyment of life should look like. Maybe you should do some “childish” shit. I’m sure there’s some opportunities you missed out on as a kid. You’re only as old as you feel you are. I’m not an adult and I won’t be until I’m good and ready. As you and I both know, being an adult is a choice. I never thought I’d have to defend myself against you, as well as everyone else in the world, but because I love u here it goes.

I drink, I go out, I watch hella movies, I’ve had sex, I love being out late, I’m in love with warm weather, and I try to enjoy life the best way I know how. Of course this is all probably shocking to you, but let me explain… It’s extremely difficult to get through life as a HUMAN let alone being me…. sometimes I need to laugh. It doesn’t make me a bad kid. I drink, very rarely, but when I do it’s just for the fun of it. It doesn’t make me an alcoholic I watch movies because . . well fuck it I LIKE MOVIES! SHIT! It doesn’t make me anti-social I use to have sex because I loved the feeling of sharing my body with the one I felt connected to, it’s a lot more emotional and fun then I ever could’ve guessed. I doesn’t make me a whore or an addict.

I love being out late, because occasionally I like seeing actual stars, I like the way the wind blows at night, and I love late night energy. I’m in love with warm weather because it’s inspiring. Everything is always good with me when it’s warm. I feel grateful, loved, and blessed when it’s warm. I’m not a bad kid, I’m a lost teenager on a downward spiral. I’m incredibly difficult to understand. I feel like you just threw your hands up and stopped trying to understand. I try to take life in stride because I’m terrified of regret, terrified of dying, terrified of old age. Everything doesn’t always go according to my plans, but I do believe everything happens as it should. I can’t do this without you and I need you to accept me and understand…. Let Go & Live Young – Your Daughter.

 

She Got Her Groove Back

It’s been awhile since I sat down and had the motivation to write something inspiring.  There has been lots of changes in my life, but I will write about those later.  I guess you can say, I have been going through a grieving process and as of late, the universe kicked me in the ass and said enough whimpering and whining about hows my life should not be the way it is.  Well of course not, I am destined for a great life, but it really is up to me to go out there and do it.

I have learned a lot over the last few months I have spent hibernating.  I have learned when people show you who they really are, you need to believe them the first time around.  Some people, don’t get second, third or fourth chances to hurt you.  I have also, learned who some of my friends are and I have stopped contact with people, whose friendships were one way.  Over all, I have learned who I am.  As William Shakespeare said, “she may be small but she is fierce.”

“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.” – Charles Chaplin

 

Let Me Introduce Myself

I met my ex when I was twenty-five years old through a mutual friend who thought that we would be the perfect couple. I don’t know if we were the perfect couple, but we were perfect for each other for the time we shared.

From the moment we met we were inseparable. We grew up together and most of our life experiences and mistakes were a team effort. I always knew that no matter what was happening outside the walls of our home, there was always a soft place I could fall back on. Him.

When I think about the last year and how our relationship ended by a text message the pain of it still remains. I believed that I deserved a little more respect than what he tossed me. When we met we both had nothing and we built a life, a family and careers together. I hoped with all I had, that the man I had met and spent close to two decades with, would show me something other than a text that he was in love with some twenty-eight year old stripper.

My ex is the biggest coward ever. He had no balls and no guts to face me. It will be a year in July that our relationship officially ended. He has never apologized(except one lame email where he said sorry but never said what he was sorry for) for cheating or walking away from his family. He has never faced me or treated me like the woman he used to profess his love for. He has treated me like a stranger he hates and at times I have done the same.

Sometimes, I do regret that I ever dated him and spent so much of my life with him. I am in my forties and left to raise our children on our own. He not only discarded me like I did not matter, but he has treated our children the same way. Currently, he is evading paying his child support payments because he feels that I should not have a “red cent” from him.

If I knew then what I know now, I may have decided against being in a relationship with him. The good memories are slowly fading. Just today, I was thinking about one of the tattoo’s he has on his body and I could not remember where it was located.

I hate that all I have left is the memories of how spineless and evil he has become. Really, all I want is for my heart to heal and for me to move on with my life. I don’t want to hate him, but he makes it so hard to feel any other way.

 

 

Riding The Bitter Bus

I haven’t spoken to him in fifty days! It has been the longest that we have gone without contacting each other since we met in 1997.

The idea of texting him came into my head when one of the men I am conversing with asked me to be honest with him.  I don’t know how we came to the conversation, but he said, “I want you to be honest with me.  If he came back apologetic and was willing to work on the relationship.  Would you take him back?  No BS.”

I believe in honesty especially if you’re trying to develop a friendship of some sorts with people.  “Yes, I would.” I responded.  “But I don’t talk to him because of this reason.  Because he is no good for me.”

Then this sweet man said, “Then why are you not working on it? He will come back.  They always do.  I don’t even really know you, but I can tell you that they always come back.  Don’t kid yourself.”

I held my cell phone in my hand and thought about what this man had just said to me.  Could he be right?  Would he come back to me and my family would be back to together?  But at what cost? Could I trust him again?

I did not sleep well that night.  That morning, I spoke with another friend and told him about my conversation the night before.  He agreed and said my ex would be back.  We texted back and forth about how I could potentially test the waters while protecting my heart.  We decided that I could open the door of communication, by checking up to see how he was and to tell him the kids really missed him.

It took him hours to respond.  He said he wanted to see them.  It had been over fifty days since he saw our daughter.  This has been his new pattern ever since he started dating his new girlfriend.  The conversation was pleasant enough. Then out of the blue, he tells me he plans to move away and accused me of not giving him access to the kids.  Remember, he is a liar and a (cheating ***hole).  

It seemed nothing has changed with him.  Still the same old drama and ability to deflect his own shameful infidelity onto the person who he harmed.  I used to yearn for him to explain why he was the one who was so angry at our breakup when it was him who cheated, lied and destroyed our family. I was not sure what I was looking for in this explanation from him.  Maybe I wanted to know that he felt guilty for what he had done.

The wish for my (cheating ***hole) to understand and comprehend his behaviours and impact on people who love him is fruitless.  It is a complete waste of my time to argue or engage in anything he has to offer me at this time.  It is like the man, I fell in love with has died and has been replaced with a complete stranger that I want nothing to do with.

Over the last few days, he has been on my mind.  I feel sorry for him.  I feel sorry that he is wasting his life being angry at himself.  It is not me or anything that I have done that he is mad at.  I have come to the conclusion that he does realize what he has done and how much it has hurt someone else.

He has to face himself in the mirror everyday.  He has to live with the thoughts that he is not the great, wonderful and caring person that he wants to portray.  He is a bitter man and if he does not have it in him to forgive his transgressions he will forever live in agony.  It is up to him to make amends with himself in order to make amends with me and our children.  I feel so very sorry for him that this is how he will move forward into his middle age.

He is still the same.  I tried.  He is just not ready to change.