Tag Archives: Romance

I Love You, But I Am Lying

This is a revised version of a post I wrote in September 2013.  Here is the original post.

I really despise seeing people in love, especially now that I am a single woman after 16 years of being with (cheating ***hole).  What does it really mean to be in love? I think people fall in love too quickly. I certainly think that people tell other people that they love them, when in the depths of their soul they don’t.  It’s like they are crossing their fingers behind their backs, hoping the other person with whose heart they are playing with won’t find out.

Love is over-rated and at this point I have a suspicion that I want nothing to do with it. I never really want to fall in love again with anyone.  The idea sounds great, having someone with whom you can turn to and grow with.

When I tell my friends that I will never fall in love again, they all say “Oh of course you will, give it time”.  Is that all we need to stop loving the person who touched the edges of your soul? Time?  I don’t necessarily agree with that.  And I find that this is the problem.  That it seems to be so easy for some people to just get over someone and to stop loving them so quickly.

I have a feeling that I will always love (cheating ***hole).  It has nothing to do with the fact that we have kids together, it’s the fact that  I was and I still am in love with him.  At the time, he was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I don’t regret sharing my life with him, even if it did not turn out the way I believed it would.  I do regret that he turned into a lying, cheating heartless soul.

About a month after (cheating ***hole) pulled my heart out of my chest with his bare hands, threw it in front of a truck and stood back and watched it get pummelled, I met rebound guy. I don’t know what I was thinking getting in a relationship with anyone at this point, but I did.

I wanted to prove to myself and to (cheating ***hole) that I did not need him to love me as much as I loved him. Actually, I wanted him to see me with someone else and come running back to me, with his tail between his legs and beg me to take his cheating ass back.  Then, we would live happily ever after.  Since I am writing this, it hasn’t happened.  Plus, I have realized who wants to really be with someone who lies about love.

I digress.  Back to rebound guy.  The first signs that this guy had a few screws loose was when he told me that he loved me after two weeks of us “dating.” I don’t quite remember how I felt being told I was loved after two weeks of knowing someone.  All, I knew was that this guy was not from my planet and in no way did I feel the same way about him.  I celebrated the day that I told him to hit the road.  I never loved or could love him.

My (cheating ***hole) told me he loved me too. I can recall the first time he told me he loved me.  It was 1997.  We had been seeing each other steady for a few months at this point.  We were in my apartment and had been listening to music.  He was sitting on the floor and I was laying on the couch.  My (cheating ***hole) looked at me and told me he loved me.  I told him I loved him too.  Remember back then, he was not a (cheating ***hole) but the love of my life.

I used to believe everything that came out of his mouth. I had never questioned his loyalty and commitment to our family and to our relationship.  I now question everything he ever said to me.  I think this is pretty normal after someone recklessly plays russian roulette with your life.

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Photo credit

If I was standing next to him watching a house on fire and he said “that house is on fire”. I would definitely think that he was lying through his teeth. I tend to think that he had many affairs that I did not know about.  I wonder how he got so good at being a lying cheat, if he did not practice it before.  As they say, “practice makes perfect.”

Just before I found out that my relationship had ended, (cheating ***hole) had another woman on the side and was living a double life.  He already knew that the relationship was over.  It was me who was the slow learner and needed to figure this out on my own.

He never really told me what happened between us.  Things had not been so great between us from the beginning.  The last few years, things were pretty horrible, but true to form people with disastrous childhoods tend to push all that stuff under the carpet and never vacuum up the crumbs that are underneath.

My (cheating ***hole) said something to me about loving me, but not being in love with me anymore. I still have not figured out what that even means. He was probably trying to throw me off from figuring him out.

How do you stop loving someone? How do you go from calling someone the love of your life to your biggest regret? Why is it that some people have to “kiss a lot of frogs” before they find the person they were meant to be with?  Why is that some people fall in love and stay in love forever? Or do some people just settle because the thought of starting over sounds too daunting of a task to undertake?

I really do not think that many of us know what it means to be in love.  People are so quick to walk out on their partners and not willing to work hard to salvage their relationship. Look at the older couples who are celebrating seventy years together. Can anyone in my generation say that they will be with the same person for their entire lives? Do we as a society want to live with someone for that length of a time?

I thought that was going to the (cheating ***hole) and I really thought that I would be sitting by his bed, holding his hand and weeping when he took his last breath.  Or that he would do the same for me.  I imagined us playing together with our grandchildren and remembering how far we had come together as a couple and as a family.

But he sure proved me wrong. He simply did not want to try going to an objective party to discuss how we both sucked at making our relationship work.  We did go to one objective party and the (cheating ***hole) sat next to me saying he wanted to fix our issues and that he loved me.  The funny thing was, he was in a relationship with someone else at this point.  The word love….I no longer trust it.

I guess I am just a bit cynical of love at this moment, because one day I was in a loving relationship and the next day, my whole life changed. Am I still interested in finding and falling in love, I guess I have to or I am setting my self up to be alone the rest of my life.  Maybe I will be settling too?

I certainly miss the love of my life now referred to as that (cheating ***hole).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I’ll be okay. Is this what you wanted me to say?

hollywood

I watch way too much television and Hollywood movies.   I need to stop.  I need to remind myself that television shows and movies are written by people with ambitious hearts and wild imaginations.

I want that fairytale romance, where the man looks me into my eyes and right away we both know it was meant to be.  You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that there is nothing in the world that you want more than spending the rest of your life with this person? And you know by the way he looks at you across the crowded room, that he feels the same way.  I haven’t found that look yet and I don’t have that feeling yet.

But who doesn’t want a story like the Notebook?  Who doesn’t want that epic love story about the most perfect couple, that defied all odds and stayed in love? But I need to remind myself that I am not Allie and he is not Noah.  There is no running into each other’s arms, because I don’t think either of us are ready to do that.

noah

I think I know what I want from a relationship.  I want a man that is romantic, and sends me flowers at work because he was thinking about me and wanted to remind me how much I mean to him.   I want a man that will call me on a Friday afternoon and tell me that he made reservations for us out of town and that he had arranged a babysitter for my kids, all I had to do was pack my bags and be ready to drive off into the sunset with him. I want a man who looks at me and I can see that I am important  to him.

I need the star shine of your heavenly eyes, after the day’s great sun.” – Charles Hanson Towne

The man I have been seeing has a kind heart, he makes me laugh, he doesn’t pressure me to be someone else, he thinks I am funny, he likes my sarcasm.  We can sit  in the same room in total silence, each doing what we want and totally be comfortable doing it, with no pressures to entertain one another.  I like that I can let my guard down with someone I haven’t known for long. He likes me how I am, a little messed up, a little distrustful, with a lot of passion and affection.  I can totally be the person I am, without the pressures  of working tirelessly to change.  Something, I did not have in my last relationship.

 He is not perfect.  His heart has been broken and he doesn’t trust me nor trust himself with me.   He says he doesn’t make plans, he lives day to day and I am not sure what he means by that.  Is this an easy cop out so he does not have to commit to me or to a relationship.  Did making plans with someone in his past teach him never to plan for the future because people just disappoint you? I know that I have learned the same lesson at some point in my life.  People don’t always tell you that they don’t want the life you both had planned together.

Is it up to me to show him that I am worth the risk, that I am not and will never be the women he dated before me.  I don’t like the woman he dated before me.  They have made  this hard for me.  I am left to clean up the mess they made and the vibes I am getting is this mess is huge.  I don’t know the details and I don’t think I want to.  What I know is that he mentioned something about loyalty, change and emotions and I figured it was best not to ask any more questions.

truth is

He keeps me at arms length most of the time. I have a suspicion I am doing the same too.  It seems neither of us trusts the other with our hearts.  It feels pathetic and somewhat passionate at times, that the more we try to persuade our hearts not to get involved with each other, the more we want each other.  We both want a relationship, but on our terms only. It seems like the most perfect love story, heartbreaking and exhilarating all at the same time.

Most people would tell me to walk away from this relationship, there is nothing tying us together, we don’t have any children together, we haven’t been seeing each other long enough, the break will be clean, I won’t even miss him.  But then, I will only do what the man before him did, walk away from the potential that with a bit of hard work, things can work out.  I don’t like giving up on people and I don’t like people giving up on me.

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I know that he has thought of walking away too.  There are days where he goes silent and where his conversations with me are short.  And I let him slowly push me away,  because maybe it would be easier for me if he decided for both of us this isn’t what we want.  I close my eyes and pray that we both can slowly fade out of each other’s lives and keep the little time we had together, hidden beneath the scars in our hearts.

Then we miss each other and someone caves in and reaches out to connect and restart this painful but sometimes perfect journey back into each other’s lives.  Is this enough for me to stay?  I am his girl and he is my boy and for now, I think we are ok with this.  I just don’t know who will cave in this time…..

DISPOSABLE RELATIONSHIPS

We live in a disposable society.  Everything can be replaced for the next big thing, something shinier, something newer and something better.  Now when something breaks we replace it.  It’s that simple. We break our cell phones, we just get a new one.  We get a new car, because we want to drive something newer and better. Our homes are not big enough, so we get something bigger.  Our jobs don’t pay enough, so we move on.

The grass is always greener on the other side.  People don’t believe in forever love anymore.  People don’t want to work at anything.  It seems our society has gotten lazy, if it takes effort then it isn’t worth it.  It seems to be the norm that relationships don’t last very long anymore.

When we see an older couple still together, we are in awe.  We want to know what is their secret of weathering the storm.  There are no secrets.  Things were different, if it broke you fixed it and you made due.  There was no money to hire and lawyer.  There was no starting over on your own.  They fought it out, stayed silent for a few days and fixed what broke.  It was that simple. People stuck together and they learned to fall back in love again.  They stayed committed.

People don’t want to work at anything that meant something important to them at one point in their lives.  Love, commitment and loyalty are words that anyone can say, but a few can do.  We are surrounded and bombarded by broken relationships and the easy task of walking away.

People and relationships should not be disposable.  Life is not easy, relationships are not simple and love is hard work.  But, we dispose of our relationships and the people in it too easily.  We maybe a disposable society today, but I guarantee you, we will become a society filled with people with regret.

Regretting the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we threw away and the things we could have fixed but didn’t.

 

 

 

DATING A YOUNGER MAN

I put myself on the dating market in the last few months.  I haven’t been really committed to finding someone to share my life with.  I have been selfish and like that I live alone, I can date who I want and I can take my time and not rush into anything that has to do with my heart.

The men in my age group are beginning to look much older than they should.  I am not sure why some men feel that when they hit a certain age it is no longer important that their appearances matter.  It does matter and I am not drawn to a man who has let himself go.

Younger men are naturally drawn to me. The last man I was romantically interested in when my relationship ended and I was on the rebound, was twelve years younger.  His enthusiasm for life was exhilarating and consuming.  He had so many dreams he wanted to fulfill.  He also taught me a thing or two in many departments.

Many people would not believe it but he understood where I was at that time in my life.  He was the first man I had been sexually active with in 16 years. He understood my heart was lonely and I had no idea where I was headed and how I would get there.  He knew my feelings still ran deep for my ex partner and he was just a bump on the road.

The romantic feelings fizzled out between us.   He lived about eight hours away, so that did not help to maintain our relationship.  We both needed to grow up emotionally and it would never work out between us.  To this day,  we still send each other random messages to see where we are in our journey.  He is now dating and seems to be in love with a woman his age.  I am happy that he found love, even if it took him down the path of hooking up with an older woman.

Right now, another younger man has his sights on me.  The age difference isn’t so dramatic and I am not so lost anymore.  He thinks I am the funniest person ever and I love that I can put a smile on his face.   I have tried to squash his enthusiasm in this relationship, but he just won’t have any of that.  His energy for life is a definite match for what I am looking for.

Some days, I feel that I have found bliss and the momentum drives me to see what this crazy journey will entail.  Other days, I find myself reverting back to my old behaviours of questioning his intentions, analyzing his words or lack of them and trying my best not to let my heart get involved.

There are no rules out there for men who find themselves attracted to women who may have been learning to drive for the first time while they were still in diapers.   This is what I have learned from being a cougar(so to speak) and having a cub:

  1.  Do not tell her she looks good for her age.  What did you expect, her to walk in the restaurant with a cane and a life alert bracelet.

  2.  Yes, we may have children and they are part of the package.  You won’t be her top priority.  Being spontaneous takes a backseat to homework, teenage angst and making lunches.

  3. We are at our sexual peak and we know what we like and do not like in the bedroom.  We can teach you a thing or two.  We may have tried it, created it,  or considered it.

  4.  We have our own lives and we do not need your approval to do what we want when we want to.  Period!

  5.  We don’t want you as our Facebook friend.  It’s mysterious and refreshing to know that we don’t need to monitor what we  say. And we don’t have time to like all your status updates.  Even if it is about us.

  6. We have gotten this far without you.  We have relationships behind out.  We have had our hearts broken and we know about difficult times. We won’t fall apart without you, but its nice to know your in our corner cheering us on.

  7. We can make you a better man.  We know about dreams we didn’t follow or goals we didn’t set.  If we care about you, we want you to be the best you can be.

  8.  We won’t change to appease you.  We know how to make decisions and we have our own opinions.  We won’t try to change you either, we already tried it or considered doing it in our last relationships.  We have learned, you can’t change anyone.

  9.  We know all the tricks, we heard all the lines and we can see right though you.  So be on your best behaviour at all times.

  10.  We know people will have lots to say about your relationship.  Do not let their judgements sway how you feel.  Some relationships last and some don’t.  It’s never about the number of years between you.  Just enjoy the journey, you may regret it one day.

 

 

SATURDAY NIGHT

I miss him on lonely Friday nights and lazy Saturdays

I feel like I am forgetting what he looks like and the sound of his voice

I feel the memories slowly begin to fade I reach out and grab them trying to persuade

I miss him at nights when I close my eyes

His touch, his smell and his skin on mine

The late night talks and the laughs we shared

I miss the way he held me on a new day

The plans we made while laying there

I don’t want to miss the memories

I don’t want to miss his touch

I don’t want to miss anything because it is becoming too much

“If I don’t write to empty my mind, I go mad.” Lord Byron

Why I Blog

I  having been thinking the last few days that I wanted to come up with a way to close the chapter to my initial blogs.  After four months, I came back to WordPress to see what the community had been up to after my departure.  I read a few blogs from people I follow and from some that I hadn’t come across yet.  Life had gone on without me and the stories and creativity was overwhelming. I felt inspired by the honesty of being open, and I wanted to get back to what motivated me.  Writing.

Then I read my blog, every single post I had ever made to date.  That is when it hit me, I didn’t feel that way anymore.  I wasn’t sure, if I wanted to keep all that bitterness, angry and pain out there for the world to see.  I contemplated removing my posts, copying them and storing them somewhere else, that only I could have access to.  Was removing blogs cheating in the blogging world?

After some contemplation, I have decided to leave my posts up, as is in the rawest form.  They tell my story of what brought me online to share my pain with the world.  They have been a huge catalyst for the change I HAD to make in my life at a time, when I felt I did not know who I was and what I had to offer this world. I was a heart broken woman, a mother, a newly single parent and most of all a lost soul.

It’s been a great journey so far.  I have heard of people finding themselves at different points in their lives and that after a break up,  finding out who you are is even more important.  Whether you believe in God, the Universe, Universal Magic, the Field or whatever name you want to label it, I have found mine.  It’s taken many books for me to find my purpose of why I was here.  I have read God’s gonna make you laugh, Power of Intention, Bastard Husband, Why Men Love Bitches,  The Power of Now, Esquared…and many more which have helped me on my journey of self discovery.

I have developed some great friendships with people I met online and I plan to keep these friends for the rest of my life.  We have been through the highs and lows together.  They have kept me from falling apart, when at times it seemed like the only reasonable solution.  Although, we are now moving into different stages of our life and we have never met in person, our friendship has been the most important thing to me over the last few months.

I have stopped being angry at my ex for cheating on me.  I will never understand how anyone can do what he did to another human being.  I have learned it is not up to me to understand his choices, it’s his cross to bear and it is he who must look at himself in his own mirror.  I have learned that I may never trust him again in my life, the way I used to and unfortunately, I may never like the person he has become. If there is even an ounce of the man, I had met in 1997 left in him, I doubt he even likes the person he has become too.  But none of this matters, because he will have to face these demons on his own terms and at a time when he is ready to make changes.  I wish him luck on his own self discovery.

I haven’t forgiven him for some of the things he has done to me and to our family.  I know that to be totally free and to let go of what has happened,  I must forgive him completely. I still struggle with this idea, am I giving him justification for what he has done and would I be letting him off the hook?  I have forgiven some of the things he has done, but there are still some, hanging around, trying to tighten the noose around my neck.

I wish I could be free of him, but we shared a life and a family and we will always be a part of each other’s life. I plan to keep him at arms length…he doesn’t deserve my love or affection anymore.  We both deserve better than how things fell apart, but none of this matters anymore.  Or does it? I choose not to worry so much about it anymore, I have a train to catch and I have the most incredible ticket in my hand… the freedom to choose who gets to hurt me and who gets to feel my love.

I do wish things had worked out for us.  I wish we had been strong enough to talk to each other, to fight for each other and to not give up on each other.  But, nothing last forever anymore.  Divorce and separations are an  easy out these days, when life gets difficult.  It seems people are too weak or too scared to fight for each other, to love each other through the good times and the bad.  It’s a sad reality and a high statistic and I never imagined that my life would change so significantly and I would have to start over on my own.  I keep, our good memories in tack and I can laugh at some of the crazy things we had done together on good days.  I try to live as honestly as I can and honestly I miss my family as it was.  Oh well, it was good while it lasted.

I started this blog in darkness, trying to cope with a loss so huge and so devastating, that I wanted to share my pain with the world.  I will leave my initial blogs as they are, written in fear and uncertainty. As you read my story, you may come across some of my earliest pieces and it will remind you how fragile humanity can be.  Love each other deeply, but love in honesty!