Category Archives: Life

ENOUGH

Dear Enough:

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and how much your life has changed over the last year.  It is what it is.  Embrace it. Enough!

Don’t settle for bad men or men who don’t value your woman-ness.  Don’t wait for them to get it.  Some may never figure out how wonderful you are.  But what happens to you while your waiting for them to get it?  Nothing.  Enough!

Cease fighting in court about who screwed who over more financially.  Come to some agreement and move on. Whining, crying and being bitter is not going to change things or make things better.  It actually hurts your heart to stay angry at someone who you once loved.  So what if they are still angry at you?  None of that is your business.  You have children to raise and a wonderful life to live. Don’t give it all away in legal fees. Enough!

Stop reminiscing about the past and what should have been or what should have happened.  It didn’t and it sure doesn’t mean your life is over.  Love the fact that you had the opportunity to fall in love and be loved.  Yes, the two of you are no longer together but it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t worth the time you had together.  With every love story, comes heart ache.  Some people stay together and some don’t. Maybe its over.  Maybe it’s not.  Maybe you will get back together and all of this won’t matter.  But you can’t get to that point, if your still living in the past.  Enough!

Stop being fearful about your journey that is in front of you.  What is there to be fearful of?  There are so many cool people you can meet, places to see, homes to live in, cities to dance in.  Stop, holding your heart and life out for the perfect love, or the one person who won’t hurt you.  People hurt people.  It’s not always intentional.  Forgive.  Enough!

Please fall in love again.  Find a wonderful man.  Maybe it’s the ex or maybe it’s not.  Just do it.  It feels good and you will love yourself for it.

Live, laugh out loud, drive with the window open, learn to swim, make a fancy meal in pajama’s, save for your house.  Just go out there and don’t be afraid of falling or failing.  All great people fall once in their life.  Ask them!

And above all things.  Learn to forgive, it will do your soul greatness.

enough-titlePingback: To whom it may concern

Bad idea or not?

I don’t think this is a good idea.  It’s 11:30PM and I am eating a big plate of nacho’s.  I plan to go to bed when I am done.  Tomorrow, I need to buy myself some new jeans as the ones I currently have are too small.  I gained some weight.  I still don’t think this is a good idea.  But the nacho’s are heavenly.

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Still Believing

The drama with the man who could not allow himself to have any emotions  his over.  I am thankful.  It was a bumpty road that finally ended on a Sunday morning when he allowed his “baby mama” to text me some random message about how they were in some relationship and I needed to back off.  She then said something about me not being special.  I tend to disagree with her on that point as I am more than special,  I am awesome.

I was a little bit shocked at the whole nonsense as he told me that she somehow walked into his house while he was asleep, stole his phone and texted all the females on his phone.  He then told me that it was not the first time that she had done that.  I would have locked my door after the first incident, but apparently he couldn’t figure out a way to keep her out of his home if he did not want her there.

At the end of the day, he choose his daughter over a relationship.  He feels that when he finds someone he wants to date, his “baby mama” gets angry and withholds his daughter from him.  He couldn’t figure our or he did not want to figure out that he needed to take this woman to court so that he did not have to make any compromises with his happiness.   Or maybe deep down he loved her still.  Or he was cheating on her with me.  Either way, the drama is over and I have had to move on.

I am a little bit pissed off at myself for wasting my time in a relationship that was not going to ever go anywhere.  I just wish he had been up front and honest with me in the beginning and told me that he had no inclination of ever taking our relationship anywhere.  But its ok.  In every bad situation, there are always lessons to be learned.

I was about to swear off dating for the rest of my life.  Seriously.  I am tired of meeting men that are only interested in sex and nothing beyond that. They pretend that they want more from you and talk a good talk.  But I don’t know how many times my intelligence was insulted by some asshole, loser pretending to be endearing.  It’s like all the married men prowl the online dating sites, looking for women they can use to their advantage.

I want a relationship with someone I adore.  I want to be with someone who wants to be with me for who I am.  The intelligent, creative, crazy, angry, bitter, loving, generous, broken, hurt and most wonderful woman.  I want tha forever love that is so rare, but still very possible.  I believe in it.

I decided to be honest on my online dating profile.  I figured I had nothing to lose by telling the men who would potentially want to meet me, exactly what I was looking for.  I wanted men to know that I no longer wanted to play around with my heart or my life in any way.  I am getting way too old for jerking around and pretending that what I want does not matter.

I did not plan to get back into any form of a relationship with a man who did not know what he wanted but felt it was fine to stick around and play with my feelings.  So one night I decided I was going to lay it all out there for everyone to see.  There was nothing more I could lose.  This is my current online dating profile:

I will be very honest, I am looking for a man to marry. One day. I don’t really think that I will find that person on here, but the journey to find my soul mate should be fun. Right? I mean, what story will we tell our grandchildren about how we looked across the room and instantly fell in love with each other? The story should have a climax…and a happy ending. So, I have been here before. I think most of the men I talk to are not very honest about what they want or more what they really look like. When a man sends you a picture from 1998, claiming he still looks this way after 16 years, I am not sure who the hell he is trying to fool. But it is not me. I am not afraid to say how I feel, when I feel it. Yes, I am looking for someone to marry eventually…but I don’t plan to waste my time with in between relationships that have no substance. Only contact me if you want to meet a down to earth, intelligent, funny and great human being. Hope you find what your looking for.
After I posted this very honest and open request, I could not believe how many men began to contact me.  Many were just floored at my honesty and they liked it.  Some felt that many other woman wanted to say what I said, but were too fearful to admit their own truth.  Many men respected me putting it out there.  When I compare how many more men contacted me after using this profile rather than the carefully crafted one, eliminating any consideration of what I want. This profile wins hands down, that a few of my friends decided that they too wanted to let the men know, exactly what they wanted.
The reality is I do not want to date for the rest of my life.  I want a partner, a lover,  best friend and a defender.
Currently, I am dating a pretty amazing man who makes me laugh, is intelligent and thinks that I am absolutely amazing also.  I haven’t yet figured out all his faults, but the ones I see are definitely something I could live with.
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Come My Way

This is written for and to my potential publisher

I am sure you get many manuscripts that come across your desk everyday

But I have a brilliant idea, let me invite you to my humble abode for a day

I have been searching for something to say.  Something to grab your attention and sway your vision my way

I have a little book I wrote, filled with little things I had to say.  Things about love, relationships, kids and family.  Things about my struggles, my humour, my pain and life just getting in the way

I am what they call a single mother, the man I loved went away. He left me in charge of everything and I kinda like it this way

I can’t be mad at the path that I choose, it allowed me to put all my dreams to play

I want you to meet me outside of your office space, sit with me and my children and let me have my say

I don’t have a lot of money to invest in my dream.  I can barely pay all my bills, times are tough in this day

My kids need to know that some things can stay the same, things like shelter, food, clothes and all the little in between’s. Those things just need to stay the same

So come and meet me halfway, I have too much to say.  I have learned the hard way and I really want to share it all with you today

Just invest in this little dream,  put this single mother to the test. So come and sit with me and my kids, let’s pave the way for the rest

Times are tough and money is tight, but we can do this I just bet

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I Don’t Eat Pizza anymore….

When I was twelve years old my whole entire world changed.  It’s only been within the last few years that I have been able to be honest with myself and tell my truth of where I have been.  I am a survivor of childhood rape and molestation.

In 2011, I stopped eating pizza.  Actually, I stopped eating period.  I was unable to keep any food down.  I was petrified and believed I would starve to death.  When I would think of food, or attempt to eat food I would hit the bathroom running.  I was disgusted  and I could not figure it out.  I became a semi vegetarian for a period of six months.  It was the most expensive and time-consuming transition I had to make.

I learned how to eat without meat in my diet.  My (cheating ***hole) experimented with different recipes in order to keep me healthy.  My new vegetarian experience brought the love of my life and I closer together.  It takes a lot to come up with meals when one of you is totally disgusted by the thought of eating.

I thought I had allergies to something I was eating.  I would be hungry and when I went to make something  or to eat something,  my stomach just rejected the idea and stated quite loudly it was not eating anything at that moment.  I started from scratch and slowly reintroduced my favourite foods to my diet in order to find out what was making me feel anxious and disgusted when I ate.

Finally, it came to biting into a slice of pizza.  I loved the smell and the taste of pizza.  I missed being able to enjoy a delicious hot slice of pizza, with it grease dripping on my finger tips.  I had been anxiously awaiting for the opportunity for months and it was here.  I was tired of eating beans, rice and fish.  It was a Friday night and I had been able to eat whatever I wanted to eat at this point, without feeling sick to my stomach.

I couldn’t do it.  I took a bite of the pizza and I began to chew what was in my mouth.  I knew there was no way that this was going to work.  I put my dish aside and made my way, rather quickly to the toilet and began to vomit.  With sweat dripping off my face and sitting on the floor of the bathroom, I knew that I had to get over my love of pizza now.

I couldn’t understand it.  The thought of eating pizza literally made me sick to my stomach.  That night as my (cheating ***hole) lay beside me sleeping, I kept thinking about why all of a sudden I could not eat pizza.  After all, I have eaten pizza and loved it all of my life.

Then it came to me.  I lay there stunned but a bit relieved that all the questions I had, were being answered.  I rolled over and touched the top of (cheating ***hole)‘s head to wake him up without him knowing it was deliberate.  He moaned and rolled over on his back and muttered something that gave me an opening to have a deep conversation with him.  “I know why, I can’t eat pizza.” I whispered as I snuggled in close to him.

The (cheating ***hole) called me babe(boy do I miss that word from his lips) and asked me why.  I began to whisper a little louder now.  “Because I was eating pizza when I was raped!”  It was around this time that I had went to see a counsellor because (cheating ***hole) believed that all our relationship problems began and ended with me. And I believed him.

My (cheating ***hole) was quiet for what seemed like eternity.  He sat up and said he needed to have a cigarette.  We got dressed and made our way down the stairs in silence.  He handed me a cigarette and took one for himself.  He looked at me with those eyes that always made me weak at the knees. We sat outside, it was still dark out and the only light we  had were the street lights.

We didn’t say anything to each other. I felt rather silly waking him up to tell him about my pizza and rape story.  I didn’t know what came over me to wake him up in the middle of the night.  He was probably ticked off at me at this point.  I tried to sneak a look at what his face would tell me, but the street lights was not shining on his face.

Finally, (cheating ***hole) grabbed my hands in his.  “It makes sense, babe.”  He said.  I didn’t respond.  I sat there in darkness, with the love of my life  sitting next to me, holding my hands and my life in his.

“I hate that this happened to you.  I wish I could find those bastards and kill them.  I wish that I could make your pain go away.”  He said.  He took a drag off his cigarette and I noticed that one of his legs were shaking.  I knew he was mad because he only did this when he was upset.  We both sat in silence.

My tears began to roll down my cheeks.  I didn’t want to start crying loud enough so that he could hear me.  After all these years, I hated to cry in front of him.  I loved every word he just said to me and I wished that someone else could carry this load I had.  I didn’t want it to be him, it wouldn’t be fair.

“I can’t eat pizza anymore.” I said. “It makes me feel sick to my stomach.  I hate the way it sits in my mouth.  I was eating pizza when they raped me.  When I woke up, it was still in my mouth.  I just can’t eat pizza anymore and I want to.”

I finished talking and sat there holding back all my emotions.  I really wanted to cry and it was getting hard holding it all in.

He looked over at me and pulled me in closer.  I put my head on his chest and let him wrap his arms around me.  We continued smoking our cigarettes while I continued crying and he protected me.

It took another two years for me to sit in front of a therapist and tell her “I don’t eat pizza anymore.”

 Photo creditsexual abuse

ALL IN THE FAMILY(S)

I am a single mother.  I have four children and two separate families.  My  family 1 consists of my my three older children(boy 1, boy 2 and boy 3), (me) and my ex partner(cheating ***hole).

My second family consists of boy 3(you met him in family 1), (me) and my (persistent princess).

In family 1, I am a carefree mother, who spent time with her children as they grew up.  I attended school functions and went on school trips.  I raced my three boys in the park and I never let them win because they needed to learn how to be tough and to know that life isn’t always fair. My house was always clean and dinner was always ready on time.

I had a somewhat normal relationship with (cheating ***hole, who was then referred to as  my best friend). I knew what my future held and I made plans with(cheating ***hole) about growing old with him and still being in love.  We took road trips and and life was exciting.  There was lots of laughter and love in this family.

In family 2, I am a working mother  with little time with my kids.  I am always late for school functions and I have not volunteered to go on a school trip in over six years.  I can’t stay home to raise my kids, it would be a bad financial decision.

I have no life partner and my future is up in the air.  I don’t have a concrete future plan and I don’t have a man around the house to paint, put blinds up or put gas in my car.   I am seeing a new man, but I am unsure what we mean to each other.  It is hard to define.  We like each other,but I am fearful that he will turn out to be like (cheating ***hole) who at the moment has taught me not to believe in relationships and in love.

SPOILER ALERT: THE MAN CAVED AND I DID NOT! Are you confused?  You can read about who caved right here or you can get caught up on this story, right here.

My four children, are having totally different experiences.   They certainly have complete opposite childhood stories to tell their own children.

My son who sits in both family 1 and family 2,  lives a double life.  He was able to experience what it was like growing up with both his parents in the home, having a relationship with all his siblings, watching his siblings move out and then watching his family smash apart, like an egg falling to the ground, and all you can do is mutter to yourself knowing, this *hit is going to be a hassle to clean up. He has watched his parents be at odds with each other and watched his father change into this person that is indescribable.

You would think that he has the best of both worlds, being able to experience and have strong relationships with his siblings and his parents.  The thing is, I think he is worse off than the other children who have grown up and are growing up in both families.  He has the memories of what a two parent family was like, the great memories, the laughter, the trips and the love.  Then he gets to see, both his parents struggle with their identities as they try to rebuild their lives  separately.

He is now the man of the house in family 2.  He keeps track of where I am going, who I am going with and gets a little bossy at times. Sometimes, I feel like I am answering my father and I am prone to lie so I don’t get in trouble with him.

“I am going to the library with my friend. I will be home by curfew.”  I don’t think he believes me all the time.  He will text me, if I don’t come home when I say I will come home .  When I get his text, I know that I better respond right away and remember where I told him I was going, in order to keep my story straight.  He even waits up for me.  I always fail at sneaking in, he always catches me and gives me this look before he goes to bed.

The most difficult part of dating as a single parent is deciding how much risk your own child’s heart is worth” – Dan Pearce

My (persistent princess) is a single child, being raised by a single mother and a distant and inconsistent father.  She gets to be dropped off to daycare providers five days a week, so I can work.  I have co-parented with private and public daycare centres her entire life.  There has been more people who have assisted me in raising, educating, loving and caring for her when compared to her older siblings.

My (persistent princess) doesn’t get all of me, all the time because financially I am not able to be a stay at home mother.  I am raising her on an income that is drastically different than the one I raised her older siblings on.  Times are tight and money is scarce.  Things are certainly different in terms of what she is able to have, when compared to what her siblings were able to have.  Things are more expensive and the list of what is available to purchase now is exhaustive.

Getting the (cheating ***hole) to financially support her and be there for her has tired me out.  I used to take it upon myself to arrange his access visits.  I no longer feel it is my responsibility to encourage a man who was fully capable of being a father in the past, to be one now.  It is is loss and he is sowing his own seeds of despair.

Boys 1 and 2 do not need me as much as they used to anymore.  Soon they will delight me with weddings, children and celebrations.  It feels really awkward thinking of how wonderful it will be to hold one of grandchildren or watch boy 1 and boy 2 fall in love.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and and do things differently for them.  Maybe I would offer them more independence like I do to persistent princess and boy 3 and maybe I wouldn’t spoil them so much as I did when they were kids.  I did the best I could with what I had and as they travel on their own paths, I hope they have learned from the mistakes of their earliest teachers (me) and (cheating ***hole).

I have experienced both the empty nest syndrome and the joys of watching milestones, sometimes on the same day.  There are days, when the memories of the old days come flooding back to me.  Three little boys running around the house, cars, trucks and bikes carelessly left in the backyard.  My (cheating ***hole), helping me to raise three boys and trying his best to make them into a better man than he was.

Then there are the days, when (persistent princess)’s voice travels through our little apartment and her laughter is so boastful and happy.  Then I see a picture that boy 3 has taken of himself and persistent princess and it warms my heart to see that somehow they are able to stay close and protect each other.  Then, I know I wouldn’t change anything because I love family 1 and family 2 with all I have.

You never know, maybe I will start family 3…

“I’ve remembered that most of life is about small, essential connections, so unobtrusive, so elastic, that you scarcely realize they’re actually holding you together. The big ones-the great, grand emotional bonds-those are the ones that break, the ones that fail you, the ones that give way and send you careening toward the foot of the bleak and jagged canyon. It’s the tough, gnarled, unadorned ties that really do bind, that never let you fall all the way down into darkness.”  – Sharon Shinn

 

Life Is Like A Blog…..

It’s 6am in the morning and I have been contemplating since last night what I should write for my first assignment for Blogging 101.  The first assignment was to tell my story about why I am blogging and to introduce myself to the Blogging 101 community.  I had already done that on two occasions.

I started blogging in September 2013 when my relationship ended.  I was very angry and I wanted the world to know how I felt.  I wanted my ex to come across my blog one day and see how much he had hurt me.  Maybe he would care. I introduced myself as a newly separated black woman with an ex who had done the unthinkable.  He was unfaithful.

I took some time off from writing and blogging as I made a very lame attempt of trying to get this man back in my life.  I really missed him.  I was stuck in the past with the wonderful memories we had.  I just wanted my old life back as quickly as I had lost it.

Then I woke up and asked myself why I was trying so hard to get someone to love me again.  It just didn’t seem fair to me.  So, after four months of almost losing my dignity, I came back to WordPress and reread my first initial blog entries.

I could not believe what I had read.  I was that bitter jilted ex lover, you hear about in books, in movies and on television.   I did not want to be this person.  I was not this person. I continued reading and the more I read, the more those old feelings came back to me.  Rejection, humiliation, devastation and pain.  I no longer wanted to feel like that.

I wasn’t sure if I should leave my old blogs out there for the world to see.  I spoke with a friend about what I had written in September 2013 and what he thought I should do with those blogs.    He told me, that those stories were part of this journey, part of my healing and part of of my growth.  He told me to leave them up, as they were, unedited and raw.  I agreed.

So I left my first stories that were thrown into blogsphere exactly where they had fallen.   As I began to recreate myself on WordPress(I no longer wanted to be identified as the jilted ex lover), my stories were funnier, had more depth and emotion(good ones).  I did not want to be connected to how I felt back in September 2013.  I am no longer that person.  It’s my ex’s fault he lost a good woman and he will have to live with that decision for the rest of his life.  I decided that I would not delete my initial blogs, I would make them private, just for me and for whomever, I chose to share my story with.

Maybe they will make it into my book that I want to publish.  Maybe they will forever stay private.  Who knows at this point.  Time will tell.  I am not done healing yet.  They say if you can tell your story without crying, then you know you are healed.  I don’t cry anymore.  However, I still feel that knot in my stomach when I think about him, about us and about the plans we had made.

So what began as a personal diary has now become a lifelong dream.  I want to be a published author.  I want t o inspire people. I want my “voice” to be heard.

So, keep reading I am not done yet.

 

MEMORY LANE

My six-year-old daughter is the exact replicate of me.  It’s scary.  How can someone so little, have such a big, bossy and unique personality like her mother.  Someone told me once, that she is an old soul and had been on this earth in another life.  They also told me that she was a gift from the Universe, because she held the relationship I had with her father a little longer by her blessing our lives with love.  I believe it, now when I do have time to look back on where we were before we had her, it makes sense.  She needed us and our love needed her.

“For the first forty days a child is given dreams of previous lives. Journeys, winding paths, a hundred small lessons and then the past is erased.”  – Michael Ondaatje 

I love telling people the story of how I found out that I was going to be a mother again.  My daughter loves to hear this story too at certain points in our journey together.  There are two versions to the story, one for her little heart and ears and the one I tell those who want to know about how I became a mother.

I was doing dishes and her father had a family member come over for a visit.  I didn’t think anything of it, so I continued doing my chores while he visited outside.  Her dad then came inside and stood looking at me with this soft look in his eyes. His eyes were the roadmap to his soul.

He then told me there was this little girl born the day before who needed a good home and we were asked to take care.  I remember laughing at the thought of starting over with a baby.  My youngest at the time was ten years old.  It was a silly idea, we couldn’t do it.  No way!  I had waited for years to get my career started and here I was in the thick of it and a baby was going to ruin the plans I had made.

We continued this conversation way into the night, bouncing the thought of becoming parents to a little girl off the wall that we were staring at.   There was money, time, commitment, our relationship and our other children to think about.  There was no way we could do this.

It would be nice to have a little girl in the house, someone to team up with me against a house filled with boys.  It would be nice to dress her up in beautiful dresses, it would be nice to buy pink ribbons and put them in her hair.  It would be nice to have a little baby babbling in our home.  What was I thinking?  This idea was so far-fetched.  What roadblocks would we have to jump over to have her come home to us?

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That  night we both barely slept, talking into the night about whether we should jump in with both feet or run for the hills.  We tossed and turned until daylight and then got up to face the day, with three boys, a life, bills that were over due, and the constant thought that our relationship would never last the test and the trials that were to come with a baby. In the end, we painted a nursery, our friends collected clothes for us, we changed our lives and became parents to a little girl we always dreamed of.

My daughter knows that she did not grow in my tummy.  She knows she has a “tummy mommy.” I am not sure where I came up with the story I tell her about her “birth”,  but when your then four-year old asks you how she came to live with you,   being quick on your toes is necessary.

What she knows about her “birth” is that her other mommy was sick and needed to get better.  I told her that her other mommy came to our house with her and asked if her daddy and I would take care of her.

My daughter gets really excited and asks in her high-pitched voice, “what did you say, mommy?”  Then I tell her that “of course I will take care of her.  I will love her forever and I am happy to be her new mommy.”  My daughter then sits back with this huge smile on her face and her arms crossed, like she won the Playoffs.

When I look back on how I became her mother, our love story may have started at a kitchen sink, hands in dirty water and looking into her father’s eyes.  But to us, it’s the best love story to be told.  I found a little girl who is just like me in every way and my life would not exist without her.  She champions me everyday to be a better woman, mother, person and human being.

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I’ll be okay. Is this what you wanted me to say?

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I watch way too much television and Hollywood movies.   I need to stop.  I need to remind myself that television shows and movies are written by people with ambitious hearts and wild imaginations.

I want that fairytale romance, where the man looks me into my eyes and right away we both know it was meant to be.  You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that there is nothing in the world that you want more than spending the rest of your life with this person? And you know by the way he looks at you across the crowded room, that he feels the same way.  I haven’t found that look yet and I don’t have that feeling yet.

But who doesn’t want a story like the Notebook?  Who doesn’t want that epic love story about the most perfect couple, that defied all odds and stayed in love? But I need to remind myself that I am not Allie and he is not Noah.  There is no running into each other’s arms, because I don’t think either of us are ready to do that.

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I think I know what I want from a relationship.  I want a man that is romantic, and sends me flowers at work because he was thinking about me and wanted to remind me how much I mean to him.   I want a man that will call me on a Friday afternoon and tell me that he made reservations for us out of town and that he had arranged a babysitter for my kids, all I had to do was pack my bags and be ready to drive off into the sunset with him. I want a man who looks at me and I can see that I am important  to him.

I need the star shine of your heavenly eyes, after the day’s great sun.” – Charles Hanson Towne

The man I have been seeing has a kind heart, he makes me laugh, he doesn’t pressure me to be someone else, he thinks I am funny, he likes my sarcasm.  We can sit  in the same room in total silence, each doing what we want and totally be comfortable doing it, with no pressures to entertain one another.  I like that I can let my guard down with someone I haven’t known for long. He likes me how I am, a little messed up, a little distrustful, with a lot of passion and affection.  I can totally be the person I am, without the pressures  of working tirelessly to change.  Something, I did not have in my last relationship.

 He is not perfect.  His heart has been broken and he doesn’t trust me nor trust himself with me.   He says he doesn’t make plans, he lives day to day and I am not sure what he means by that.  Is this an easy cop out so he does not have to commit to me or to a relationship.  Did making plans with someone in his past teach him never to plan for the future because people just disappoint you? I know that I have learned the same lesson at some point in my life.  People don’t always tell you that they don’t want the life you both had planned together.

Is it up to me to show him that I am worth the risk, that I am not and will never be the women he dated before me.  I don’t like the woman he dated before me.  They have made  this hard for me.  I am left to clean up the mess they made and the vibes I am getting is this mess is huge.  I don’t know the details and I don’t think I want to.  What I know is that he mentioned something about loyalty, change and emotions and I figured it was best not to ask any more questions.

truth is

He keeps me at arms length most of the time. I have a suspicion I am doing the same too.  It seems neither of us trusts the other with our hearts.  It feels pathetic and somewhat passionate at times, that the more we try to persuade our hearts not to get involved with each other, the more we want each other.  We both want a relationship, but on our terms only. It seems like the most perfect love story, heartbreaking and exhilarating all at the same time.

Most people would tell me to walk away from this relationship, there is nothing tying us together, we don’t have any children together, we haven’t been seeing each other long enough, the break will be clean, I won’t even miss him.  But then, I will only do what the man before him did, walk away from the potential that with a bit of hard work, things can work out.  I don’t like giving up on people and I don’t like people giving up on me.

walk-away-or-try-harder

 

I know that he has thought of walking away too.  There are days where he goes silent and where his conversations with me are short.  And I let him slowly push me away,  because maybe it would be easier for me if he decided for both of us this isn’t what we want.  I close my eyes and pray that we both can slowly fade out of each other’s lives and keep the little time we had together, hidden beneath the scars in our hearts.

Then we miss each other and someone caves in and reaches out to connect and restart this painful but sometimes perfect journey back into each other’s lives.  Is this enough for me to stay?  I am his girl and he is my boy and for now, I think we are ok with this.  I just don’t know who will cave in this time…..

SATURDAY NIGHT

I miss him on lonely Friday nights and lazy Saturdays

I feel like I am forgetting what he looks like and the sound of his voice

I feel the memories slowly begin to fade I reach out and grab them trying to persuade

I miss him at nights when I close my eyes

His touch, his smell and his skin on mine

The late night talks and the laughs we shared

I miss the way he held me on a new day

The plans we made while laying there

I don’t want to miss the memories

I don’t want to miss his touch

I don’t want to miss anything because it is becoming too much

“If I don’t write to empty my mind, I go mad.” Lord Byron