I watch way too much television and Hollywood movies. I need to stop. I need to remind myself that television shows and movies are written by people with ambitious hearts and wild imaginations.
I want that fairytale romance, where the man looks me into my eyes and right away we both know it was meant to be. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that there is nothing in the world that you want more than spending the rest of your life with this person? And you know by the way he looks at you across the crowded room, that he feels the same way. I haven’t found that look yet and I don’t have that feeling yet.
But who doesn’t want a story like the Notebook? Who doesn’t want that epic love story about the most perfect couple, that defied all odds and stayed in love? But I need to remind myself that I am not Allie and he is not Noah. There is no running into each other’s arms, because I don’t think either of us are ready to do that.
I think I know what I want from a relationship. I want a man that is romantic, and sends me flowers at work because he was thinking about me and wanted to remind me how much I mean to him. I want a man that will call me on a Friday afternoon and tell me that he made reservations for us out of town and that he had arranged a babysitter for my kids, all I had to do was pack my bags and be ready to drive off into the sunset with him. I want a man who looks at me and I can see that I am important to him.
I need the star shine of your heavenly eyes, after the day’s great sun.” – Charles Hanson Towne
The man I have been seeing has a kind heart, he makes me laugh, he doesn’t pressure me to be someone else, he thinks I am funny, he likes my sarcasm. We can sit in the same room in total silence, each doing what we want and totally be comfortable doing it, with no pressures to entertain one another. I like that I can let my guard down with someone I haven’t known for long. He likes me how I am, a little messed up, a little distrustful, with a lot of passion and affection. I can totally be the person I am, without the pressures of working tirelessly to change. Something, I did not have in my last relationship.
He is not perfect. His heart has been broken and he doesn’t trust me nor trust himself with me. He says he doesn’t make plans, he lives day to day and I am not sure what he means by that. Is this an easy cop out so he does not have to commit to me or to a relationship. Did making plans with someone in his past teach him never to plan for the future because people just disappoint you? I know that I have learned the same lesson at some point in my life. People don’t always tell you that they don’t want the life you both had planned together.
Is it up to me to show him that I am worth the risk, that I am not and will never be the women he dated before me. I don’t like the woman he dated before me. They have made this hard for me. I am left to clean up the mess they made and the vibes I am getting is this mess is huge. I don’t know the details and I don’t think I want to. What I know is that he mentioned something about loyalty, change and emotions and I figured it was best not to ask any more questions.
He keeps me at arms length most of the time. I have a suspicion I am doing the same too. It seems neither of us trusts the other with our hearts. It feels pathetic and somewhat passionate at times, that the more we try to persuade our hearts not to get involved with each other, the more we want each other. We both want a relationship, but on our terms only. It seems like the most perfect love story, heartbreaking and exhilarating all at the same time.
Most people would tell me to walk away from this relationship, there is nothing tying us together, we don’t have any children together, we haven’t been seeing each other long enough, the break will be clean, I won’t even miss him. But then, I will only do what the man before him did, walk away from the potential that with a bit of hard work, things can work out. I don’t like giving up on people and I don’t like people giving up on me.
I know that he has thought of walking away too. There are days where he goes silent and where his conversations with me are short. And I let him slowly push me away, because maybe it would be easier for me if he decided for both of us this isn’t what we want. I close my eyes and pray that we both can slowly fade out of each other’s lives and keep the little time we had together, hidden beneath the scars in our hearts.
Then we miss each other and someone caves in and reaches out to connect and restart this painful but sometimes perfect journey back into each other’s lives. Is this enough for me to stay? I am his girl and he is my boy and for now, I think we are ok with this. I just don’t know who will cave in this time…..