Riding The Bitter Bus

I haven’t spoken to him in fifty days! It has been the longest that we have gone without contacting each other since we met in 1997.

The idea of texting him came into my head when one of the men I am conversing with asked me to be honest with him.  I don’t know how we came to the conversation, but he said, “I want you to be honest with me.  If he came back apologetic and was willing to work on the relationship.  Would you take him back?  No BS.”

I believe in honesty especially if you’re trying to develop a friendship of some sorts with people.  “Yes, I would.” I responded.  “But I don’t talk to him because of this reason.  Because he is no good for me.”

Then this sweet man said, “Then why are you not working on it? He will come back.  They always do.  I don’t even really know you, but I can tell you that they always come back.  Don’t kid yourself.”

I held my cell phone in my hand and thought about what this man had just said to me.  Could he be right?  Would he come back to me and my family would be back to together?  But at what cost? Could I trust him again?

I did not sleep well that night.  That morning, I spoke with another friend and told him about my conversation the night before.  He agreed and said my ex would be back.  We texted back and forth about how I could potentially test the waters while protecting my heart.  We decided that I could open the door of communication, by checking up to see how he was and to tell him the kids really missed him.

It took him hours to respond.  He said he wanted to see them.  It had been over fifty days since he saw our daughter.  This has been his new pattern ever since he started dating his new girlfriend.  The conversation was pleasant enough. Then out of the blue, he tells me he plans to move away and accused me of not giving him access to the kids.  Remember, he is a liar and a (cheating ***hole).  

It seemed nothing has changed with him.  Still the same old drama and ability to deflect his own shameful infidelity onto the person who he harmed.  I used to yearn for him to explain why he was the one who was so angry at our breakup when it was him who cheated, lied and destroyed our family. I was not sure what I was looking for in this explanation from him.  Maybe I wanted to know that he felt guilty for what he had done.

The wish for my (cheating ***hole) to understand and comprehend his behaviours and impact on people who love him is fruitless.  It is a complete waste of my time to argue or engage in anything he has to offer me at this time.  It is like the man, I fell in love with has died and has been replaced with a complete stranger that I want nothing to do with.

Over the last few days, he has been on my mind.  I feel sorry for him.  I feel sorry that he is wasting his life being angry at himself.  It is not me or anything that I have done that he is mad at.  I have come to the conclusion that he does realize what he has done and how much it has hurt someone else.

He has to face himself in the mirror everyday.  He has to live with the thoughts that he is not the great, wonderful and caring person that he wants to portray.  He is a bitter man and if he does not have it in him to forgive his transgressions he will forever live in agony.  It is up to him to make amends with himself in order to make amends with me and our children.  I feel so very sorry for him that this is how he will move forward into his middle age.

He is still the same.  I tried.  He is just not ready to change.

 

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3 thoughts on “Riding The Bitter Bus”

  1. ….and when they aren’t ready to change, they won’t….and the guy you were seeing was fishing….that’s Just the feeling I got, and I’m pretty good at reading people….he must’ve really liked you a lot, and was scared….or…the other….but I choose to think he really liked you but he was scared you’d go back to ex so he tested you.

    Bravo to you for your honesty….not many honest people left, and no matter what you’re being truthful about, no matter how bad it hurts….the truth is always better than as lie.

    I love your blog….hope I wasn’t too intrusive….I’m quite intoxicated, not only because it’s a weekday, or should I say, a day of the week, but also because me and me bf are throwing down.

    I think you’re awesome.

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I know he really likes me, but I had to be honest with my feelings. I really don’t want to hurt anyone else through this process. I am and I feel I will always love this man. And if I could have just one wish, it would be to get over him as quickly as he got over me. I think great blogs are created through the need to release pain. We both had that need, that is why we are here. Writing, helps me. Every post, I feel a little better. I hope it is helping you too. I love your stuff too. One day at a time. Stop throwing down with the bf 🙂

      1. I totally relate to when you said, “Writing, helps me. Every post, I feel a little better”…..

        It makes me feel better with every post, too….

        I’m not throwing down anymore…his phone is demolished, lol, he threw mine in the street to reciprocate and when I put it back together without a scratch, or fuckup on it….I had to attribute my good fortune to his bad karma.

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