I having been thinking the last few days that I wanted to come up with a way to close the chapter to my initial blogs. After four months, I came back to WordPress to see what the community had been up to after my departure. I read a few blogs from people I follow and from some that I hadn’t come across yet. Life had gone on without me and the stories and creativity was overwhelming. I felt inspired by the honesty of being open, and I wanted to get back to what motivated me. Writing.
Then I read my blog, every single post I had ever made to date. That is when it hit me, I didn’t feel that way anymore. I wasn’t sure, if I wanted to keep all that bitterness, angry and pain out there for the world to see. I contemplated removing my posts, copying them and storing them somewhere else, that only I could have access to. Was removing blogs cheating in the blogging world?
After some contemplation, I have decided to leave my posts up, as is in the rawest form. They tell my story of what brought me online to share my pain with the world. They have been a huge catalyst for the change I HAD to make in my life at a time, when I felt I did not know who I was and what I had to offer this world. I was a heart broken woman, a mother, a newly single parent and most of all a lost soul.
It’s been a great journey so far. I have heard of people finding themselves at different points in their lives and that after a break up, finding out who you are is even more important. Whether you believe in God, the Universe, Universal Magic, the Field or whatever name you want to label it, I have found mine. It’s taken many books for me to find my purpose of why I was here. I have read God’s gonna make you laugh, Power of Intention, Bastard Husband, Why Men Love Bitches, The Power of Now, Esquared…and many more which have helped me on my journey of self discovery.
I have developed some great friendships with people I met online and I plan to keep these friends for the rest of my life. We have been through the highs and lows together. They have kept me from falling apart, when at times it seemed like the only reasonable solution. Although, we are now moving into different stages of our life and we have never met in person, our friendship has been the most important thing to me over the last few months.
I have stopped being angry at my ex for cheating on me. I will never understand how anyone can do what he did to another human being. I have learned it is not up to me to understand his choices, it’s his cross to bear and it is he who must look at himself in his own mirror. I have learned that I may never trust him again in my life, the way I used to and unfortunately, I may never like the person he has become. If there is even an ounce of the man, I had met in 1997 left in him, I doubt he even likes the person he has become too. But none of this matters, because he will have to face these demons on his own terms and at a time when he is ready to make changes. I wish him luck on his own self discovery.
I haven’t forgiven him for some of the things he has done to me and to our family. I know that to be totally free and to let go of what has happened, I must forgive him completely. I still struggle with this idea, am I giving him justification for what he has done and would I be letting him off the hook? I have forgiven some of the things he has done, but there are still some, hanging around, trying to tighten the noose around my neck.
I wish I could be free of him, but we shared a life and a family and we will always be a part of each other’s life. I plan to keep him at arms length…he doesn’t deserve my love or affection anymore. We both deserve better than how things fell apart, but none of this matters anymore. Or does it? I choose not to worry so much about it anymore, I have a train to catch and I have the most incredible ticket in my hand… the freedom to choose who gets to hurt me and who gets to feel my love.
I do wish things had worked out for us. I wish we had been strong enough to talk to each other, to fight for each other and to not give up on each other. But, nothing last forever anymore. Divorce and separations are an easy out these days, when life gets difficult. It seems people are too weak or too scared to fight for each other, to love each other through the good times and the bad. It’s a sad reality and a high statistic and I never imagined that my life would change so significantly and I would have to start over on my own. I keep, our good memories in tack and I can laugh at some of the crazy things we had done together on good days. I try to live as honestly as I can and honestly I miss my family as it was. Oh well, it was good while it lasted.
I started this blog in darkness, trying to cope with a loss so huge and so devastating, that I wanted to share my pain with the world. I will leave my initial blogs as they are, written in fear and uncertainty. As you read my story, you may come across some of my earliest pieces and it will remind you how fragile humanity can be. Love each other deeply, but love in honesty!