Category Archives: Relationships

We Should have been Eighty

I met my ex when I was twenty five years old through a mutual friend who thought that we would be the perfect couple. I don’t know if we were the perfect couple, but we were perfect for each other for the time we shared.

From the moment we met we were inseparable. We grew up together and most of our life experiences and mistakes were a team effort. I always knew that no matter what was happening outside the walls of our home, there was always a soft place I could fall back on.

I remember the first day I met him. I had just picked my two children up from daycare and had been waiting by the entrance of the school doors for my friend, Janet and her boyfriend John to give us a drive home.

I noticed him right away, as he stood there facing me. We made eye contact but neither of us said anything. He slowly slid down the wall, into a stooping position. He was cute and his eyes were intriguing.

My youngest son has always been a very sociable child from the moment he was born. I used to worry constantly about someone kidnapping him because he would go up to strangers and become their best friend. My son walked slowly over to this man that was standing there, and plopped himself on his lap. He began to touch his face and began a conversation.

I watched the exchange between the two new found friends and both seemed to disappear into their own world. This stranger and I exchanged a few friendly glances at each other.

Janet and John pulled up in the car outside. I told my son to say good bye to his friend and I grabbed both of my children’s hands and pushed the door open and headed to the car. As I looked back I saw this stranger following us to the car.

John got out of the car and he and the man, began to talk as me and the kids piled into the vehicle.  This stranger had been waiting for Janet and John to give him a ride home.

As the kids and I got out of the vehicle and said bye to everyone, I would never had imagined that I would fall in love with this man and spend the next sixteen years with him.

My friend Janet went to work on arranging a date for us the very next day.  She began to tell me about the man I had sat next to in the car the night before. He was an ex fire fighter and was new to town.  Finally, I told Janet that he was cute and that “he could put my fire out anytime.”

At break time, Janet went outside and I sat at my desk trying to catch up on my work since she had talked my ear off for about an hour. Janet returned from her break and plopped herself down next to me with a grin on her face.

She had told him what I had said to her earlier and I could hear the excitement in her voice. I turned to face her, with a twinge of irritation. I demanded to know why she would go tell him what I said. I told her I told her that as a joke and felt embarrassed.

Janet then told me that, “he thinks your cute too!” I looked at her for what seemed like hours and turned back to the computer I had been busy looking at. I thought about what she had just said to me with a little bit of relief, but still humiliated that I may have to run into him one day. I had no real dating experience or strong relationships with any man I had ever met. My children’s father was the only real boyfriend I had and I was twenty-five years old.

A week later I sat across the man I had met in the hallway of school waiting for a ride home.  We both looked at each other and said a silent hello.  He ate his fries and I sipped my pop.  We never knew that our journey would take us over close to two decades.

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User Name: Michael****

When your relationship ends you desperately want to talk to someone about it.  You want to rage against the unfairness of the situation, you want to hide away under a rock and hope no one turns it over and you want to find someone who understands how you feel when you wake up and when you try to fall asleep.

It’s been a year since the friendship between  Michael S. and I developed.   We met in a group for separated people.  We both had just recently broken up with our partners and wanted to find a way to get them back.  We were both struggling with transitioning from being a couple to being single individuals.  I was so tired of travelling that dirt road alone, I wanted someone who was willing to travel with me.

Mike seemed to be dealing better with the breakup than I was.  I read a few comments he had posted on the group for a month before I felt brave enough to ask his opinion on my situation.  He often gave other members of the group great advice, he was likened to a social worker, a therapist or someone who knew what they were talking about.  He knew how to handle this tough situation and I wanted to draw some of his strength and take it as my own.

Mike was direct and didn’t mince his words to make you feel coddled.  If he thought you were being out-of-place, or needed to be redirected he would give it to you.  He would just tell you how he saw it and it was up to you to take it or leave it.

I desperately wanted to have his take on my situation.  I think I must have written my question to him a million times, before I clicked the send button.  I wanted to take it back as soon as it was out there.

I wanted my ex back without a doubt and so did Mike.    I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to transition from having a family to being  just a mother.  I didn’t even know how to get out of bed every morning, but I did it because I had to.  I needed someone to get it.  My friends said they understood, but most were still happily married or happily separated.  I was neither.

From the moment, Mike responded to my question, I clung to every word he had to say.  I would respond to his comment and then he would say something else and on and on this little dance between us went.

Eventually, we left the group that brought us together.  We had each other for strength and I looked forward to just talking with him.   We exchanged phone numbers and continued to support each other along our path to surviving our breakups.

I have never met Mike in person. I have seen his picture on Facebook.  I was there when he found out his grandmother had died.  I have shared in his life celebrations and listened silently when he has felt defeated.

We have talked about meeting on several occasions.   I have never been to St. Louis, Missouri and Mike has never been to Canada.  Of all the relationships I have with people in my lives, this one has become very important to me.  Mike is one of my closest and dearest friends and I don’t ever want that to change.

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ALL IN THE FAMILY(S)

I am a single mother.  I have four children and two separate families.  My  family 1 consists of my my three older children(boy 1, boy 2 and boy 3), (me) and my ex partner(cheating ***hole).

My second family consists of boy 3(you met him in family 1), (me) and my (persistent princess).

In family 1, I am a carefree mother, who spent time with her children as they grew up.  I attended school functions and went on school trips.  I raced my three boys in the park and I never let them win because they needed to learn how to be tough and to know that life isn’t always fair. My house was always clean and dinner was always ready on time.

I had a somewhat normal relationship with (cheating ***hole, who was then referred to as  my best friend). I knew what my future held and I made plans with(cheating ***hole) about growing old with him and still being in love.  We took road trips and and life was exciting.  There was lots of laughter and love in this family.

In family 2, I am a working mother  with little time with my kids.  I am always late for school functions and I have not volunteered to go on a school trip in over six years.  I can’t stay home to raise my kids, it would be a bad financial decision.

I have no life partner and my future is up in the air.  I don’t have a concrete future plan and I don’t have a man around the house to paint, put blinds up or put gas in my car.   I am seeing a new man, but I am unsure what we mean to each other.  It is hard to define.  We like each other,but I am fearful that he will turn out to be like (cheating ***hole) who at the moment has taught me not to believe in relationships and in love.

SPOILER ALERT: THE MAN CAVED AND I DID NOT! Are you confused?  You can read about who caved right here or you can get caught up on this story, right here.

My four children, are having totally different experiences.   They certainly have complete opposite childhood stories to tell their own children.

My son who sits in both family 1 and family 2,  lives a double life.  He was able to experience what it was like growing up with both his parents in the home, having a relationship with all his siblings, watching his siblings move out and then watching his family smash apart, like an egg falling to the ground, and all you can do is mutter to yourself knowing, this *hit is going to be a hassle to clean up. He has watched his parents be at odds with each other and watched his father change into this person that is indescribable.

You would think that he has the best of both worlds, being able to experience and have strong relationships with his siblings and his parents.  The thing is, I think he is worse off than the other children who have grown up and are growing up in both families.  He has the memories of what a two parent family was like, the great memories, the laughter, the trips and the love.  Then he gets to see, both his parents struggle with their identities as they try to rebuild their lives  separately.

He is now the man of the house in family 2.  He keeps track of where I am going, who I am going with and gets a little bossy at times. Sometimes, I feel like I am answering my father and I am prone to lie so I don’t get in trouble with him.

“I am going to the library with my friend. I will be home by curfew.”  I don’t think he believes me all the time.  He will text me, if I don’t come home when I say I will come home .  When I get his text, I know that I better respond right away and remember where I told him I was going, in order to keep my story straight.  He even waits up for me.  I always fail at sneaking in, he always catches me and gives me this look before he goes to bed.

The most difficult part of dating as a single parent is deciding how much risk your own child’s heart is worth” – Dan Pearce

My (persistent princess) is a single child, being raised by a single mother and a distant and inconsistent father.  She gets to be dropped off to daycare providers five days a week, so I can work.  I have co-parented with private and public daycare centres her entire life.  There has been more people who have assisted me in raising, educating, loving and caring for her when compared to her older siblings.

My (persistent princess) doesn’t get all of me, all the time because financially I am not able to be a stay at home mother.  I am raising her on an income that is drastically different than the one I raised her older siblings on.  Times are tight and money is scarce.  Things are certainly different in terms of what she is able to have, when compared to what her siblings were able to have.  Things are more expensive and the list of what is available to purchase now is exhaustive.

Getting the (cheating ***hole) to financially support her and be there for her has tired me out.  I used to take it upon myself to arrange his access visits.  I no longer feel it is my responsibility to encourage a man who was fully capable of being a father in the past, to be one now.  It is is loss and he is sowing his own seeds of despair.

Boys 1 and 2 do not need me as much as they used to anymore.  Soon they will delight me with weddings, children and celebrations.  It feels really awkward thinking of how wonderful it will be to hold one of grandchildren or watch boy 1 and boy 2 fall in love.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and and do things differently for them.  Maybe I would offer them more independence like I do to persistent princess and boy 3 and maybe I wouldn’t spoil them so much as I did when they were kids.  I did the best I could with what I had and as they travel on their own paths, I hope they have learned from the mistakes of their earliest teachers (me) and (cheating ***hole).

I have experienced both the empty nest syndrome and the joys of watching milestones, sometimes on the same day.  There are days, when the memories of the old days come flooding back to me.  Three little boys running around the house, cars, trucks and bikes carelessly left in the backyard.  My (cheating ***hole), helping me to raise three boys and trying his best to make them into a better man than he was.

Then there are the days, when (persistent princess)’s voice travels through our little apartment and her laughter is so boastful and happy.  Then I see a picture that boy 3 has taken of himself and persistent princess and it warms my heart to see that somehow they are able to stay close and protect each other.  Then, I know I wouldn’t change anything because I love family 1 and family 2 with all I have.

You never know, maybe I will start family 3…

“I’ve remembered that most of life is about small, essential connections, so unobtrusive, so elastic, that you scarcely realize they’re actually holding you together. The big ones-the great, grand emotional bonds-those are the ones that break, the ones that fail you, the ones that give way and send you careening toward the foot of the bleak and jagged canyon. It’s the tough, gnarled, unadorned ties that really do bind, that never let you fall all the way down into darkness.”  – Sharon Shinn

 

DISPOSABLE RELATIONSHIPS

We live in a disposable society.  Everything can be replaced for the next big thing, something shinier, something newer and something better.  Now when something breaks we replace it.  It’s that simple. We break our cell phones, we just get a new one.  We get a new car, because we want to drive something newer and better. Our homes are not big enough, so we get something bigger.  Our jobs don’t pay enough, so we move on.

The grass is always greener on the other side.  People don’t believe in forever love anymore.  People don’t want to work at anything.  It seems our society has gotten lazy, if it takes effort then it isn’t worth it.  It seems to be the norm that relationships don’t last very long anymore.

When we see an older couple still together, we are in awe.  We want to know what is their secret of weathering the storm.  There are no secrets.  Things were different, if it broke you fixed it and you made due.  There was no money to hire and lawyer.  There was no starting over on your own.  They fought it out, stayed silent for a few days and fixed what broke.  It was that simple. People stuck together and they learned to fall back in love again.  They stayed committed.

People don’t want to work at anything that meant something important to them at one point in their lives.  Love, commitment and loyalty are words that anyone can say, but a few can do.  We are surrounded and bombarded by broken relationships and the easy task of walking away.

People and relationships should not be disposable.  Life is not easy, relationships are not simple and love is hard work.  But, we dispose of our relationships and the people in it too easily.  We maybe a disposable society today, but I guarantee you, we will become a society filled with people with regret.

Regretting the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we threw away and the things we could have fixed but didn’t.

 

 

 

DATING A YOUNGER MAN

I put myself on the dating market in the last few months.  I haven’t been really committed to finding someone to share my life with.  I have been selfish and like that I live alone, I can date who I want and I can take my time and not rush into anything that has to do with my heart.

The men in my age group are beginning to look much older than they should.  I am not sure why some men feel that when they hit a certain age it is no longer important that their appearances matter.  It does matter and I am not drawn to a man who has let himself go.

Younger men are naturally drawn to me. The last man I was romantically interested in when my relationship ended and I was on the rebound, was twelve years younger.  His enthusiasm for life was exhilarating and consuming.  He had so many dreams he wanted to fulfill.  He also taught me a thing or two in many departments.

Many people would not believe it but he understood where I was at that time in my life.  He was the first man I had been sexually active with in 16 years. He understood my heart was lonely and I had no idea where I was headed and how I would get there.  He knew my feelings still ran deep for my ex partner and he was just a bump on the road.

The romantic feelings fizzled out between us.   He lived about eight hours away, so that did not help to maintain our relationship.  We both needed to grow up emotionally and it would never work out between us.  To this day,  we still send each other random messages to see where we are in our journey.  He is now dating and seems to be in love with a woman his age.  I am happy that he found love, even if it took him down the path of hooking up with an older woman.

Right now, another younger man has his sights on me.  The age difference isn’t so dramatic and I am not so lost anymore.  He thinks I am the funniest person ever and I love that I can put a smile on his face.   I have tried to squash his enthusiasm in this relationship, but he just won’t have any of that.  His energy for life is a definite match for what I am looking for.

Some days, I feel that I have found bliss and the momentum drives me to see what this crazy journey will entail.  Other days, I find myself reverting back to my old behaviours of questioning his intentions, analyzing his words or lack of them and trying my best not to let my heart get involved.

There are no rules out there for men who find themselves attracted to women who may have been learning to drive for the first time while they were still in diapers.   This is what I have learned from being a cougar(so to speak) and having a cub:

  1.  Do not tell her she looks good for her age.  What did you expect, her to walk in the restaurant with a cane and a life alert bracelet.

  2.  Yes, we may have children and they are part of the package.  You won’t be her top priority.  Being spontaneous takes a backseat to homework, teenage angst and making lunches.

  3. We are at our sexual peak and we know what we like and do not like in the bedroom.  We can teach you a thing or two.  We may have tried it, created it,  or considered it.

  4.  We have our own lives and we do not need your approval to do what we want when we want to.  Period!

  5.  We don’t want you as our Facebook friend.  It’s mysterious and refreshing to know that we don’t need to monitor what we  say. And we don’t have time to like all your status updates.  Even if it is about us.

  6. We have gotten this far without you.  We have relationships behind out.  We have had our hearts broken and we know about difficult times. We won’t fall apart without you, but its nice to know your in our corner cheering us on.

  7. We can make you a better man.  We know about dreams we didn’t follow or goals we didn’t set.  If we care about you, we want you to be the best you can be.

  8.  We won’t change to appease you.  We know how to make decisions and we have our own opinions.  We won’t try to change you either, we already tried it or considered doing it in our last relationships.  We have learned, you can’t change anyone.

  9.  We know all the tricks, we heard all the lines and we can see right though you.  So be on your best behaviour at all times.

  10.  We know people will have lots to say about your relationship.  Do not let their judgements sway how you feel.  Some relationships last and some don’t.  It’s never about the number of years between you.  Just enjoy the journey, you may regret it one day.

 

 

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

Over the last few days, I have been overwhelmed with the fact that there are many people in my life who I have not forgiven for the pain and the hurt that they have caused me over the years.  I hold a bitter grudge and a dangling chain of animosity and anger when the thoughts of their actions, words or at times their existence even crosses my mind.  To be honest, when I think of what they have done to me, my anger is so overwhelming it can take me a week to push it aside and process my pain.  To be more honest, my angry towards these people have forced me to make some very impulsive decisions that I wish in hindsight I could take back.

I am not an evil person. I want to say that I am kind, generous, loving and caring.  That is the person, I strive to be and the person that is hidden behind and below the surface of my pain.

But when it comes to forgiving those who have crossed me in any way, I wish them double the pain and anguish that I went through at their hands.  The men who raped and molested me, my mother who abused me, my father who did not protect me, the ex who cheated on me and the grade one girls who teased me, it is these people who I blame for the anger that seethes below the surface.

But my anger and my inability of not being able to let go of my pain, has nothing to do with these people but everything to do with me.  I have not forgiven myself.  I cannot forgive all those people who hurt me, if I have not forgiven myself for whatever faults or mistakes I have made.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Did I need my mother to apologize for being horrible at parenting me?  Did I need those men who raped me to know how their actions have impacted me?  Do I really need my ex to look me in the face and say he was sorry?  What would change if I got all of these things?  Sure, I think I would feel somewhat liberated to know that for once, my voice was heard and my pain was revealed.  But what would be next, would I be a different person, would the walls I built around my heart, my life and my spirit come crumbling down and free me?

My struggle with forgiveness begins with me.  It is up to me to forgive the mistakes and choices that I have made on my journey through this life.  I need to forgive the shame I feel for being a semi survivor of child hood sexual abuse.  (I will explain this later). I need to forgive my mother for being physically and emotionally abusive towards me. I need to forgive my ex for infidelity.  It it only through doing these things that I can truly be free from my own painful childhood.  It is only through doing these things will I be able to forgive those who hurt me.  Without self forgiveness and self love, I will always be a caged gorilla, beating on my chest, screaming out…look at me, see my pain.

I don’t know about you, but forgiving yourself is not an easy task to undertake.  It begins with really evaluating every aspect of yourself, your life, your choices and your mistakes and coming to terms with all of that.  It is about realizing that you are not perfect, nor should you strive to be.  Its about coming full circle with the fact that not only have you been hurt and injured but you have also hurt and injured other people.  I really want to forgive those who hurt me, the anger is only a mask.  So, the journey begins with me being able to say and accept the fact that I made some horrible mistakes along the way.  But I am ready now.

“Can I be forgiven for all I’ve done to get here?
I want to be.
I can.
I believe it.” 
― Veronica Roth

 

Dear Mom

I wanted to write something tonight, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say.  As my daughter was brushing her teeth, I sat in the bathroom  checking out what everyone was up to on Facebook.  I came across a letter a young girl had written to her mother.  This letter hit home for me,  it was deep, emotional and inspiring.  Thank you young girl, everything I ever wanted to say to my mother, you just said it for me.  With her permission:

Dear Mom,

I wish you would stop trying to put labels on me. Like dad, I’m only an “adult” when its convenient to you. You know what, I’ve never used that word to describe myself. EVER. I’m only 16 and I take pride and joy in not having any kids or responsibilities that tie me down. So you’re damn right I’m not an adult. I’m still very much ‘just a kid’. I spend money on material things, food, things I’ll only use once and then forget about. I eat junk and fast food. I eat sugary cereal and watch cartoons. What you forget is that I had to be an “adult” very early in life because of the man (or lack there of) you chose to have kids with.

So every mistake, every opportunity, every experience I missed out on, I’m reliving! I’ve seen SO MANY miserable “adults” in these 16 years and I’ve always promised myself I wouldn’t be one of them. So I chose a career that I could never get bored with, MUSIC. Believe it or not I learned plenty from you and dad’s mistakes, stories, and lifetimes and I guess you both did your job because I’m stronger and wiser than the both of u were at 16. I don’t know everything, but I do know everything about ME. “Don’t grow up too fast” extends past people over age 7. Fuck society and it’s views of what an “adult” should be. Name me one “adult” you know that has followed that blueprint and is completely happy with their life.

I LOVE seeing old ladies with their hair dyed crazy colors, piercings, etc. To me, they are the epitomy of life, and what the enjoyment of life should look like. Maybe you should do some “childish” shit. I’m sure there’s some opportunities you missed out on as a kid. You’re only as old as you feel you are. I’m not an adult and I won’t be until I’m good and ready. As you and I both know, being an adult is a choice. I never thought I’d have to defend myself against you, as well as everyone else in the world, but because I love u here it goes.

I drink, I go out, I watch hella movies, I’ve had sex, I love being out late, I’m in love with warm weather, and I try to enjoy life the best way I know how. Of course this is all probably shocking to you, but let me explain… It’s extremely difficult to get through life as a HUMAN let alone being me…. sometimes I need to laugh. It doesn’t make me a bad kid. I drink, very rarely, but when I do it’s just for the fun of it. It doesn’t make me an alcoholic I watch movies because . . well fuck it I LIKE MOVIES! SHIT! It doesn’t make me anti-social I use to have sex because I loved the feeling of sharing my body with the one I felt connected to, it’s a lot more emotional and fun then I ever could’ve guessed. I doesn’t make me a whore or an addict.

I love being out late, because occasionally I like seeing actual stars, I like the way the wind blows at night, and I love late night energy. I’m in love with warm weather because it’s inspiring. Everything is always good with me when it’s warm. I feel grateful, loved, and blessed when it’s warm. I’m not a bad kid, I’m a lost teenager on a downward spiral. I’m incredibly difficult to understand. I feel like you just threw your hands up and stopped trying to understand. I try to take life in stride because I’m terrified of regret, terrified of dying, terrified of old age. Everything doesn’t always go according to my plans, but I do believe everything happens as it should. I can’t do this without you and I need you to accept me and understand…. Let Go & Live Young – Your Daughter.

 

Why I Blog

I  having been thinking the last few days that I wanted to come up with a way to close the chapter to my initial blogs.  After four months, I came back to WordPress to see what the community had been up to after my departure.  I read a few blogs from people I follow and from some that I hadn’t come across yet.  Life had gone on without me and the stories and creativity was overwhelming. I felt inspired by the honesty of being open, and I wanted to get back to what motivated me.  Writing.

Then I read my blog, every single post I had ever made to date.  That is when it hit me, I didn’t feel that way anymore.  I wasn’t sure, if I wanted to keep all that bitterness, angry and pain out there for the world to see.  I contemplated removing my posts, copying them and storing them somewhere else, that only I could have access to.  Was removing blogs cheating in the blogging world?

After some contemplation, I have decided to leave my posts up, as is in the rawest form.  They tell my story of what brought me online to share my pain with the world.  They have been a huge catalyst for the change I HAD to make in my life at a time, when I felt I did not know who I was and what I had to offer this world. I was a heart broken woman, a mother, a newly single parent and most of all a lost soul.

It’s been a great journey so far.  I have heard of people finding themselves at different points in their lives and that after a break up,  finding out who you are is even more important.  Whether you believe in God, the Universe, Universal Magic, the Field or whatever name you want to label it, I have found mine.  It’s taken many books for me to find my purpose of why I was here.  I have read God’s gonna make you laugh, Power of Intention, Bastard Husband, Why Men Love Bitches,  The Power of Now, Esquared…and many more which have helped me on my journey of self discovery.

I have developed some great friendships with people I met online and I plan to keep these friends for the rest of my life.  We have been through the highs and lows together.  They have kept me from falling apart, when at times it seemed like the only reasonable solution.  Although, we are now moving into different stages of our life and we have never met in person, our friendship has been the most important thing to me over the last few months.

I have stopped being angry at my ex for cheating on me.  I will never understand how anyone can do what he did to another human being.  I have learned it is not up to me to understand his choices, it’s his cross to bear and it is he who must look at himself in his own mirror.  I have learned that I may never trust him again in my life, the way I used to and unfortunately, I may never like the person he has become. If there is even an ounce of the man, I had met in 1997 left in him, I doubt he even likes the person he has become too.  But none of this matters, because he will have to face these demons on his own terms and at a time when he is ready to make changes.  I wish him luck on his own self discovery.

I haven’t forgiven him for some of the things he has done to me and to our family.  I know that to be totally free and to let go of what has happened,  I must forgive him completely. I still struggle with this idea, am I giving him justification for what he has done and would I be letting him off the hook?  I have forgiven some of the things he has done, but there are still some, hanging around, trying to tighten the noose around my neck.

I wish I could be free of him, but we shared a life and a family and we will always be a part of each other’s life. I plan to keep him at arms length…he doesn’t deserve my love or affection anymore.  We both deserve better than how things fell apart, but none of this matters anymore.  Or does it? I choose not to worry so much about it anymore, I have a train to catch and I have the most incredible ticket in my hand… the freedom to choose who gets to hurt me and who gets to feel my love.

I do wish things had worked out for us.  I wish we had been strong enough to talk to each other, to fight for each other and to not give up on each other.  But, nothing last forever anymore.  Divorce and separations are an  easy out these days, when life gets difficult.  It seems people are too weak or too scared to fight for each other, to love each other through the good times and the bad.  It’s a sad reality and a high statistic and I never imagined that my life would change so significantly and I would have to start over on my own.  I keep, our good memories in tack and I can laugh at some of the crazy things we had done together on good days.  I try to live as honestly as I can and honestly I miss my family as it was.  Oh well, it was good while it lasted.

I started this blog in darkness, trying to cope with a loss so huge and so devastating, that I wanted to share my pain with the world.  I will leave my initial blogs as they are, written in fear and uncertainty. As you read my story, you may come across some of my earliest pieces and it will remind you how fragile humanity can be.  Love each other deeply, but love in honesty!

 

THE DATING APPEAL

I have had a few people message me and I have had some decent conversations over the last few days.  I have blocked a few and told a few where to go and kept a few conversations going.  I don’t know if this thing sort of dating is for me.  I am literally thinking of putting my Facebook status as “I am single, hook me up, please make sure he is not an idiot, he has no issues, and he won’t send me messages about oral sex after never meeting me….”  I can’t do that, I have my fifteen year old son who is on my friend list but there has to be a better way to meet good men, than this process.

So, as I said I have spoken to a few men, so I want to share my experience with the world.  I need your advice, why am I attracting men who are a bit on the different side, instead of a hunk, with a nice bank account, a house I can decorate, no ex wife hanging around and the staying power to hold a conversation.  This has been my prospects as of late:

Guy #1, his first message entailed asking me if I was a hot thin woman.  I asked him if he was hot, then he told me he was hot, built and had blue eyes(sure you are, with no picture on your profile).  I told him what he was saying didn’t tell me much about who he was, so he asked me to tell him something hot about myself.  At this point, I rolled my brown eyes, with my thin body and told him that he was boring me.  Hence, end of conversation.

Guy #2, sent me a message about wanting me to show him to ride my broom(my profile mentioned I had super powers and I oversee the city on a broom) and going to a U2 concert.  I responded telling him that U2 was centuries ago when music was tasteful.  I never heard from him again.  Maybe he thought I was calling him old…I was calling us both old…oh well.

Guy #3, said he liked my profile and if I was interested we could get together.  He went on to say something about us deciding together…deciding what? I never responded

Guy #4, was 25(I am 41) sent me a message LOL.  Why he was yelling at me, I still haven’t figured out.  All I know is I will not be anyone’s notch in their belt.  I never responded

Guy #5, said he was writing jokes for our date…I never realized my profile said anyone who responded to me, would get a date.  I asked him to tell me a joke. He told me that I screwed him up and that was the only joke he wrote to get my attention.  I didn’t laugh, its lame.  Conversation died out.

Guy #6, said hey.  I was bored so I said hey back. He then asked if I had a picture.  I told him I had many.  Then he wanted me to send him a few.  I responded “And why would I assume you are entitled to my picture because you said hey what’s up.  I choose to not upload a pic for my own safety.  You should message others whose pics are already visible.  Yeah, never heard from him again.

Guy #7 sent me a long winded message about how funny, adventurous, loving, caring and affectionate he was.  He then went on to say he was over his ex(he is probably lying) and that he wasn’t looking for a fling(he probable is).  I responded asking him how he was. He immediately asked for a picture, I said not at this time.  Conversation ended

Guy #8, was 25, said he lied about being 44 so he could meet older women because he was some stud or something like that.  I wished him fun on his search and I was not interested in games

Guy #9, we have been chatting on and off.  He asked for a picture, I was busy, he got upset, I put him in his place, he kept chatting to me.  Sounds like love.

Guy #10, sent me a message about me saving him, and then so many spelling errors I was repulsed

Guy #11 was not pleasing to the eyes

Guy #12 and I have been talking, switched numbers and have been texting.  He seems decent enough

Guy #13 and I had a great conversation, he made me laugh, he seemed like a really nice guy.  He had no picture either and I thought, this is perfect we could get to know each other without the pretension of looks.  We could build the most fabulous relationship, we could tell our friends and children how we met, online with no picture.  Then we switched pictures yesterday.  I just can’t date a man, I have no attraction to, no matter how intellectual our conversations are.  And damn! He knew how to spell and use grammar too!

Guy #14 can not spell for the life of him.  Huge turn off!

Guy #15 Asked me if I liked bad boys, I said some women do.  He then asked what I was looking for, I told him I had a long list of qualities.  When you want to get rid of a man, tell him you have standards and you have a list of qualities you want.  This guy ran for the hills.

Guy #16 is known to me.  I am entertaining myself talking to him.

Guy #17 Is a massage therapist, and for some reason I guess talking about massages and oral sex impresses women.  I told him, it doesn’t impress me at all. I am not sure if he will message me again.

Guy #18 is very special to my heart.  Started off nice enough, conversation was flowing, he had a hot tub and a motorcycle.  I was like where have you been most of my life. Then he did the unthinkable.  He felt comfortable enough to send me a message of what kind of oral sex he was going to give me, and then something about how he learned a lot over the year and wanted to teach these new things to me.  It took me a few hours to respond to him, but I kindly told him I did not appreciate messages of this detail and that he may use this kind of pick up line with other ladies, but not this one.  Blocked this one!

This has been less than a week of online dating, or online world of crazy men, who are looking for God knows what.  I don’t know about you, but I am very scared I have to go get some cats to keep me company.

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Image appreciation to Randy Glasbergen’s awesome website