They met in university, she wanted to be a teacher and he wasn’t too sure why he was there, but his parents went to the school and he felt obligated to do the same.
They had mutual friends in common; who thought the two of them would be a perfect match for each other. She was told that he had never lived in a city before, that he didn’t have any family around and that he had a great sense of humor. He was told that she had one serious boyfriend in high school, that she was quiet until you got to know her better and that she had a beautiful smile.
They fell in love. The kind of love, that was passionate and extraordinary. I guess some would say a world wind romance. Some people did not think it would last, saying that they moved too quickly and that there was no such thing as love at first sight. But they proved all of them wrong. She got pregnant and had to drop out of university. Then they got married and he found a stable job.
They had a few more children along the way, a few disagreements and financial difficulties like any other family. But through it all, even when things were falling apart before them, they loved each other even more. They watched as their friends divorced, separated and remarried. They held on tighter, never wanting to become one of those broken families. They both knew their love was solid.
Then one day it all fell apart. She found out that her life was a fairy tale and everyone was right. It did not last. She found out that he was no longer happy with their life; well that was what he told her. He said that he had not been happy for many years, and he only stayed because, that was what a good man did. He told her that he couldn’t do it anymore.
She cried and begged him to love her. She promised she would change, she would cook more, she would do this and she would do that. Then, he changed right before both of their eyes. He looked at her with these eyes that neither of them knew and told her that her “crying was pissing him off and making him angry.” Then she cried more and he turned and walked away. She chased him trying to hold on to what was left of her life.
He didn’t want to talk to her and he didn’t come home for four days. When he did, he went over to her and hugged her and kissed her. She began to silently cry because she did not want to make him angry again so that he would leave her. He told her that he loved her and that he would never hurt her again. They decided to go to talk to a counselor because he made a big mistake and he wanted his family. He said that he had lots of time to think and she believed him.
She began to worry about where he was going; who was he talking to on the phone, why did it take him so long at the grocery story and he why was he so snappy at her. She found out again and they repeated the pattern. This time, he told her that he loved this other woman and that he was no longer in love with her. He told her, “I told you I wasn’t happy.” He yelled at her again and told her that it was over, that he wanted a divorce, that he was finally happy and that he wanted her to move on with her life.
He packed all his stuff and she watched tears rolling down her face, the memories of how they met, how they fell in love, how they had grown together, all flashed before her eyes. She tried to call him to remind him about their love for each other. She apologized for everything she had done wrong in the relationship. He yelled at her, and called her names. He told her that he was done with her, that he could no longer make love to her and he even once told her that she repulsed him in the bedroom.
She could hear, the woman in the background and it devastated her, to think that the man she loved and created a life with, was in love with someone else. She could barely get herself out of bed to get the kids off to school, she could no longer look at herself in the mirror, and she tried to keep it together but it was one of the hardest things she had to do in her entire her life. Sometimes, when the kids were sleeping, or busy playing or at school she would lock herself in the bathroom and cry her heart out. Sometimes, she found herself, laying on the bathroom floor in a fetal position, staring at the wall, not really thinking and barely existing.
Finally, the doctor told her that she had to go to the hospital so that she could get better. She thought about it, how she would do it, maybe a bunch of pills could do the trick, or maybe driving into a rock cut would do it too. But, she had the children to think about, they needed her, she needed them, so she went to the hospital and little by little she began to feel something. It felt like happiness maybe. It was a possibility. But still, she felt unlovable, she still wondered who would love her again, she felt robbed of her trust in people and she wanted her heart to mend.
She had to see him because they had these children together. He told her that it was all her fault that he had to leave, that he was not in love with her and that she pushed him into the arms of the other woman.
Finally, she began to realize that the man she loved was no longer the same person she knew. It did not matter how much bargaining she did with herself, the person she met twenty years ago was gone. Maybe forever.
Her days are getting better, at times it was still unbearable, she struggled with feelings of unworthiness, being unlovable, feeling unimportant and feeling inadequate. The scars from the words her husband told her run deep to her soul and sometimes, it feels that her heart is collapsing and she may not make it. She may not survive, the unbearable betrayal and deceit. But she knows this much, as she struggles with those negative feelings, she has to rebuild her life, move forward and separate herself from the life she thought she had and accept the life, she and her children must now create. No one else can do this for her, it’s her choice to either give in to her numbness, or roll her sleeves up and fight.
Margaret was crying in her sleep. Margaret woke up and adjusted her eyes in the darkness. She reached over and touched her husband Ryan; he opened his eyes and saw the worry on her face. Ryan asked Margaret what was wrong. Margaret then turned and reached over to look at her baby daughter sleeping in the bassinet. Margaret had this awful dream and she turned to Ryan, ran her fingers through his hair and she breathed deeply. Margaret told Ryan what her dream was about. Margaret had dreamt, that her daughter’s husband had cheated on her. She looked over at the bassinet, and began to cry. Ryan asked her if she knew who the man was and she told him, he went to University with her. Ryan looked at her, and wiped her tears away, as he thought about what should be done, to protect their two-month-old daughter’s future husband from betraying her. “We will move, so she does not have to go to that University. So she does not marry that man.” They both agreed, that was what they would do.
Inspired by little bits of my life