Tag Archives: happiness

Without my consent…jobless

I lost my job on Friday.  Something about cut backs and no funding.  I was never content nor was I happy punching numbers into a computer all day.  It was time to go and they could see and so could I.

I applied for a job today which is really far from where I live.  I am keeping my options open to the possibilities that surround me.  I know I should be scared to have no job, but I am welcoming the time off to rejuvenate for the next step in my career.

Well, I am off to make bacon and spinach Quiche and to finish crocheting my daughter’s blanket.

I know it’s been awhile but I was inspired by an email one of my blog readers sent me this morning.

Thank you for reminding me.

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Playing House

My boyfriend is house hunting.  He asked me to tag along with him as he looks for the most perfect home.  He and I are over 700 kilometres apart as he took a huge job promotion.

My boyfriend sends me pictures of all the places he is looking at and I give him my opinion.  I told him I like lakefront houses after I spent a day at my friend’s property.  Now all he wants to see is lakefront homes and I love him more because I know that he is putting me in his future.

I think we are both daydreaming about what it would be like to live together as we are finding it very hard to be apart.  It’s a huge sacrifice on both our parts as we are very new to each other and want to spend every waking moment together.  Ever since we met we spent every day together even if it was for a few hours.  It has been a transition to not see him everyday, not being able to touch him but only having the chance to hear his voice or see his name come across my phone, telling me I have a text message.

We are certainly learning to fall in love with each other and distance is a test of our commitment to each other.

So, my sweet man came across this house.  Lakefront house to be correct.  It is absolutely lovely, wood floors throughout, deck and enough bedrooms for a family.  I told him he should get it because the price is just right.

He says he is not ready to buy a place like that yet.  He says he needs to deal with his bullshit(ex wife and separation) and in a year he will will be ready to buy a house like that.

I tell him that it sounds like a good idea.  Maybe in a year, if we are still dating “we” can get a place like that together and maybe that house will still be available.  My boyfriend says “You never know.  Be optimistic.”  I tell him I am optimistic.  Then I tell him not to screw it up. We both laugh.

house

I’ll be okay. Is this what you wanted me to say?

hollywood

I watch way too much television and Hollywood movies.   I need to stop.  I need to remind myself that television shows and movies are written by people with ambitious hearts and wild imaginations.

I want that fairytale romance, where the man looks me into my eyes and right away we both know it was meant to be.  You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that there is nothing in the world that you want more than spending the rest of your life with this person? And you know by the way he looks at you across the crowded room, that he feels the same way.  I haven’t found that look yet and I don’t have that feeling yet.

But who doesn’t want a story like the Notebook?  Who doesn’t want that epic love story about the most perfect couple, that defied all odds and stayed in love? But I need to remind myself that I am not Allie and he is not Noah.  There is no running into each other’s arms, because I don’t think either of us are ready to do that.

noah

I think I know what I want from a relationship.  I want a man that is romantic, and sends me flowers at work because he was thinking about me and wanted to remind me how much I mean to him.   I want a man that will call me on a Friday afternoon and tell me that he made reservations for us out of town and that he had arranged a babysitter for my kids, all I had to do was pack my bags and be ready to drive off into the sunset with him. I want a man who looks at me and I can see that I am important  to him.

I need the star shine of your heavenly eyes, after the day’s great sun.” – Charles Hanson Towne

The man I have been seeing has a kind heart, he makes me laugh, he doesn’t pressure me to be someone else, he thinks I am funny, he likes my sarcasm.  We can sit  in the same room in total silence, each doing what we want and totally be comfortable doing it, with no pressures to entertain one another.  I like that I can let my guard down with someone I haven’t known for long. He likes me how I am, a little messed up, a little distrustful, with a lot of passion and affection.  I can totally be the person I am, without the pressures  of working tirelessly to change.  Something, I did not have in my last relationship.

 He is not perfect.  His heart has been broken and he doesn’t trust me nor trust himself with me.   He says he doesn’t make plans, he lives day to day and I am not sure what he means by that.  Is this an easy cop out so he does not have to commit to me or to a relationship.  Did making plans with someone in his past teach him never to plan for the future because people just disappoint you? I know that I have learned the same lesson at some point in my life.  People don’t always tell you that they don’t want the life you both had planned together.

Is it up to me to show him that I am worth the risk, that I am not and will never be the women he dated before me.  I don’t like the woman he dated before me.  They have made  this hard for me.  I am left to clean up the mess they made and the vibes I am getting is this mess is huge.  I don’t know the details and I don’t think I want to.  What I know is that he mentioned something about loyalty, change and emotions and I figured it was best not to ask any more questions.

truth is

He keeps me at arms length most of the time. I have a suspicion I am doing the same too.  It seems neither of us trusts the other with our hearts.  It feels pathetic and somewhat passionate at times, that the more we try to persuade our hearts not to get involved with each other, the more we want each other.  We both want a relationship, but on our terms only. It seems like the most perfect love story, heartbreaking and exhilarating all at the same time.

Most people would tell me to walk away from this relationship, there is nothing tying us together, we don’t have any children together, we haven’t been seeing each other long enough, the break will be clean, I won’t even miss him.  But then, I will only do what the man before him did, walk away from the potential that with a bit of hard work, things can work out.  I don’t like giving up on people and I don’t like people giving up on me.

walk-away-or-try-harder

 

I know that he has thought of walking away too.  There are days where he goes silent and where his conversations with me are short.  And I let him slowly push me away,  because maybe it would be easier for me if he decided for both of us this isn’t what we want.  I close my eyes and pray that we both can slowly fade out of each other’s lives and keep the little time we had together, hidden beneath the scars in our hearts.

Then we miss each other and someone caves in and reaches out to connect and restart this painful but sometimes perfect journey back into each other’s lives.  Is this enough for me to stay?  I am his girl and he is my boy and for now, I think we are ok with this.  I just don’t know who will cave in this time…..