Tag Archives: grief

I won’t give up

After 15 months I am still grieving the loss of my relationship.  It sucks!

I was told by someone who said that  it will take me eight more years to get over my relationship. Eight more years of thinking about what would have been.  Eight more years of having memories just snoop in and take control.  Eight more years of looking back, analyzing, criticizing and reliving every moment like it was yesterday.  Eight more of this torture?  I can live without that.

I have lost so much through this separation. I have lost family members, sister in-laws, nieces, aunts and parents. I have lost the opportunity to attend weddings, family reunions and showers.  I haven’t just lost my ex, but I have lost every other person that he was connected to by blood or otherwise.

I don’t think we are ever prepared to lose people we love.  Furthermore, we are never prepared to lose the people who have tagged along into our lives alongside this person.  When someone we love dies, we can grieve that loss, say good-bye and try to function as best as we can. We have to go on because we know that this what this person would have wanted from us.

But, when you lose someone through a divorce or separation, the grieving process seems to never end.  You may have to see this person when you exchange your children, or in court or in the mall.  It seems that everywhere you go, there are memories that you must deal with.  Are they now taking their new beau to the same restaurant they took you to? The constant fear of running into them looms behind you as you don’t know the separated person’s etiquette yet.

At times you wish that they would drop off the face of the earth.  No, I am not talking about anything illegal.  It just would seem easier if only one of you still existed separately because learning to transition as a sole person when you were a couple for decades is so difficult.

It just seems unfair that you must go through the process of learning to let go of someone who let go of you before you even realized. You are playing catch up and you are in dead last and this person is already at the finish line. You just wonder, how did this person get so far ahead of you?

When you see them, they seem so happy and you can’t understand how they can look so happy when inside you are falling apart.  How is it that they can get out of bed every day, or how is it that they can smile and move on, when you are clinging to yesterday.

You want to smash them upside the head and yell “How can you be so happy at this devastation that is our life?”  You want to take them by the shoulders and shake them and yell at them and make them listen to you. But you don’t say anything because if you even open your mouth you know that you will fall to pieces.

I often imagine what it would be like if my ex asked to come back home.  How will I respond in that moment?  Will I trust him if he came back? Will we act the same towards each other?  I can’t even imagine that day because it seems so far out of reach.  I don’t know what it would feel like to have him home. I don’t even think he wants to come home and that is the saddest part.

I am not sure if I still love him or is it what he represented that I love so much. Most days, I am not sure how I feel at all. What I do know is that I want my children to be raised by both parents. I am not sure at what costs this would happen.

Everyone tells me that once a cheater always a cheater. That a leopard never changes his spots and that I am better off never entertaining the idea of returning to a relationship with my ex. All, this is great advice and I listen to what I am told. I respect other people’s opinion on this matter because sometimes we make foolish decisions when only our hearts are thinking.

I am no way near going back to my ex. We currently do not like each other. This is what I tell him, so that he does not catch on to how much I do miss him. I lie to him because I do not trust him to not manipulate me to get his way in court or out of child support. He is after all the devil.

Maybe at the end of the day, it’s in my best interest to entirely let go and move forward. But how do you do that when once upon a time, you found the next best thing?

Third Time’s A Charm