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My deepest fear is dying

Any kind of death scares me

I don’t ever want to die

Although, I know that I must die

One day

When I am in my 90’s

When I have lived and loved

But don’t keep me alive on life support because you feel bad to let me go

Just do it, I want you to

I don’t want you to remember me this way

I don’t want to forget you as I drift off to paradise because you wanted me to hang on

I am just afraid of dying

So cover my eyes as I go




I won’t give up

After 15 months I am still grieving the loss of my relationship.  It sucks!

I was told by someone who said that  it will take me eight more years to get over my relationship. Eight more years of thinking about what would have been.  Eight more years of having memories just snoop in and take control.  Eight more years of looking back, analyzing, criticizing and reliving every moment like it was yesterday.  Eight more of this torture?  I can live without that.

I have lost so much through this separation. I have lost family members, sister in-laws, nieces, aunts and parents. I have lost the opportunity to attend weddings, family reunions and showers.  I haven’t just lost my ex, but I have lost every other person that he was connected to by blood or otherwise.

I don’t think we are ever prepared to lose people we love.  Furthermore, we are never prepared to lose the people who have tagged along into our lives alongside this person.  When someone we love dies, we can grieve that loss, say good-bye and try to function as best as we can. We have to go on because we know that this what this person would have wanted from us.

But, when you lose someone through a divorce or separation, the grieving process seems to never end.  You may have to see this person when you exchange your children, or in court or in the mall.  It seems that everywhere you go, there are memories that you must deal with.  Are they now taking their new beau to the same restaurant they took you to? The constant fear of running into them looms behind you as you don’t know the separated person’s etiquette yet.

At times you wish that they would drop off the face of the earth.  No, I am not talking about anything illegal.  It just would seem easier if only one of you still existed separately because learning to transition as a sole person when you were a couple for decades is so difficult.

It just seems unfair that you must go through the process of learning to let go of someone who let go of you before you even realized. You are playing catch up and you are in dead last and this person is already at the finish line. You just wonder, how did this person get so far ahead of you?

When you see them, they seem so happy and you can’t understand how they can look so happy when inside you are falling apart.  How is it that they can get out of bed every day, or how is it that they can smile and move on, when you are clinging to yesterday.

You want to smash them upside the head and yell “How can you be so happy at this devastation that is our life?”  You want to take them by the shoulders and shake them and yell at them and make them listen to you. But you don’t say anything because if you even open your mouth you know that you will fall to pieces.

I often imagine what it would be like if my ex asked to come back home.  How will I respond in that moment?  Will I trust him if he came back? Will we act the same towards each other?  I can’t even imagine that day because it seems so far out of reach.  I don’t know what it would feel like to have him home. I don’t even think he wants to come home and that is the saddest part.

I am not sure if I still love him or is it what he represented that I love so much. Most days, I am not sure how I feel at all. What I do know is that I want my children to be raised by both parents. I am not sure at what costs this would happen.

Everyone tells me that once a cheater always a cheater. That a leopard never changes his spots and that I am better off never entertaining the idea of returning to a relationship with my ex. All, this is great advice and I listen to what I am told. I respect other people’s opinion on this matter because sometimes we make foolish decisions when only our hearts are thinking.

I am no way near going back to my ex. We currently do not like each other. This is what I tell him, so that he does not catch on to how much I do miss him. I lie to him because I do not trust him to not manipulate me to get his way in court or out of child support. He is after all the devil.

Maybe at the end of the day, it’s in my best interest to entirely let go and move forward. But how do you do that when once upon a time, you found the next best thing?

Third Time’s A Charm

Is this my voice?

Did you hear the news?  Yeah, they are saying that awesome festival, the one that I love to go to, will be cancelled. You know, the one that generates the most tourism, the ones the kids love and the one that parents can afford to pay for? Yeah….gone!

I think it’s all bullshit.  I like how they take money away from shit that people actually love and put it towards stuff that will be useless. Who thinks about these things? Who makes the big decisions?

This city is run by a bunch of clowns.  This city is so backwards!  That was the best festival that I had been to.  Not even sure what they were thinking with that bright idea.  This is so annoying I just don’t understand how people think that this is a good idea for our city.

I just can’t wait to move from here.   I just don’t get it.  Yeah, let’s take money from the arts, something that will inspire kids and let’s invest it in adding more flags to a run down bridge.  Yeah makes sense.





Dear Enough:

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and how much your life has changed over the last year.  It is what it is.  Embrace it. Enough!

Don’t settle for bad men or men who don’t value your woman-ness.  Don’t wait for them to get it.  Some may never figure out how wonderful you are.  But what happens to you while your waiting for them to get it?  Nothing.  Enough!

Cease fighting in court about who screwed who over more financially.  Come to some agreement and move on. Whining, crying and being bitter is not going to change things or make things better.  It actually hurts your heart to stay angry at someone who you once loved.  So what if they are still angry at you?  None of that is your business.  You have children to raise and a wonderful life to live. Don’t give it all away in legal fees. Enough!

Stop reminiscing about the past and what should have been or what should have happened.  It didn’t and it sure doesn’t mean your life is over.  Love the fact that you had the opportunity to fall in love and be loved.  Yes, the two of you are no longer together but it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t worth the time you had together.  With every love story, comes heart ache.  Some people stay together and some don’t. Maybe its over.  Maybe it’s not.  Maybe you will get back together and all of this won’t matter.  But you can’t get to that point, if your still living in the past.  Enough!

Stop being fearful about your journey that is in front of you.  What is there to be fearful of?  There are so many cool people you can meet, places to see, homes to live in, cities to dance in.  Stop, holding your heart and life out for the perfect love, or the one person who won’t hurt you.  People hurt people.  It’s not always intentional.  Forgive.  Enough!

Please fall in love again.  Find a wonderful man.  Maybe it’s the ex or maybe it’s not.  Just do it.  It feels good and you will love yourself for it.

Live, laugh out loud, drive with the window open, learn to swim, make a fancy meal in pajama’s, save for your house.  Just go out there and don’t be afraid of falling or failing.  All great people fall once in their life.  Ask them!

And above all things.  Learn to forgive, it will do your soul greatness.

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We Should have been Eighty

I met my ex when I was twenty five years old through a mutual friend who thought that we would be the perfect couple. I don’t know if we were the perfect couple, but we were perfect for each other for the time we shared.

From the moment we met we were inseparable. We grew up together and most of our life experiences and mistakes were a team effort. I always knew that no matter what was happening outside the walls of our home, there was always a soft place I could fall back on.

I remember the first day I met him. I had just picked my two children up from daycare and had been waiting by the entrance of the school doors for my friend, Janet and her boyfriend John to give us a drive home.

I noticed him right away, as he stood there facing me. We made eye contact but neither of us said anything. He slowly slid down the wall, into a stooping position. He was cute and his eyes were intriguing.

My youngest son has always been a very sociable child from the moment he was born. I used to worry constantly about someone kidnapping him because he would go up to strangers and become their best friend. My son walked slowly over to this man that was standing there, and plopped himself on his lap. He began to touch his face and began a conversation.

I watched the exchange between the two new found friends and both seemed to disappear into their own world. This stranger and I exchanged a few friendly glances at each other.

Janet and John pulled up in the car outside. I told my son to say good bye to his friend and I grabbed both of my children’s hands and pushed the door open and headed to the car. As I looked back I saw this stranger following us to the car.

John got out of the car and he and the man, began to talk as me and the kids piled into the vehicle.  This stranger had been waiting for Janet and John to give him a ride home.

As the kids and I got out of the vehicle and said bye to everyone, I would never had imagined that I would fall in love with this man and spend the next sixteen years with him.

My friend Janet went to work on arranging a date for us the very next day.  She began to tell me about the man I had sat next to in the car the night before. He was an ex fire fighter and was new to town.  Finally, I told Janet that he was cute and that “he could put my fire out anytime.”

At break time, Janet went outside and I sat at my desk trying to catch up on my work since she had talked my ear off for about an hour. Janet returned from her break and plopped herself down next to me with a grin on her face.

She had told him what I had said to her earlier and I could hear the excitement in her voice. I turned to face her, with a twinge of irritation. I demanded to know why she would go tell him what I said. I told her I told her that as a joke and felt embarrassed.

Janet then told me that, “he thinks your cute too!” I looked at her for what seemed like hours and turned back to the computer I had been busy looking at. I thought about what she had just said to me with a little bit of relief, but still humiliated that I may have to run into him one day. I had no real dating experience or strong relationships with any man I had ever met. My children’s father was the only real boyfriend I had and I was twenty-five years old.

A week later I sat across the man I had met in the hallway of school waiting for a ride home.  We both looked at each other and said a silent hello.  He ate his fries and I sipped my pop.  We never knew that our journey would take us over close to two decades.

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The Perfect Cut

She won!

She could not believe her luck.

She had worked so hard to get to this point

But she had given up, she did not have the strength to go on

It was just taking too much from her

All the paperwork, the anticipation and the dread of losing

Had taken a huge toll on her

She had just given up and wanted to move on

But today her family won

They had finally called her and told her

That they had won the most perfect cut of half side beef

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Jane Street and Woolner Ave

I grew up in Toronto, Ontario Canada. For those who don’t know where Toronto is, it is located on the northwestern shore of Lake Ontario. It is the most multicultural city in Canada.  It is the provincial capital of Ontario. It’s where everything happens.

This is the place that I immigrated to at the age of 5 and left at the age of 29. It is the city that I am trying to desperately move back to.  My current community is not home anymore.

I grew up at Jane Street and Woolner Ave in a high-rise building. We lived on the fourteenth floor. As a child, I thought my street was the safety place in the world. The kids I hung out with and grew up with had tons of freedom. We would leave our apartments in the morning and not return until dinner time.  We got in tons of trouble.

The illusion that my street was safe changed when I was 12. The year I was raped by two men on my way home from the corner store. As soon as I could get away, I did. I never looked back.

As an adult, I found out that my street was a well-known area for dealing drugs. I was shocked because I never saw that part of my community. Now when I do look back at my childhood, I do recall things that were a bit….odd.

There were always guys hanging out at this one store, they were there everyday.  All day long. They never left to go to work or to go anywhere else.

Also, I recall coming home from vacation one summer to hear about a man who lived in my building who had killed himself, his wife and his child. He left another child alone in the apartment with the dead bodies. He jumped in front of a train. I am not sure if this was true or not.  But that was the rumour.

So, as I write this I am interested to know if anything has changed about my childhood community.  I haven’t been back since I was 18 and now I am in my forties.  I found out that:

“Jane and Woolner is home to many new immigrants from various backgrounds, this area was once ruled by drug and gang activity, but now is slowly emerging from its troubled past. The main gang inhabiting the area are the South Side Gatorz as well as their subset the Junior Gatorz, but members of transnational Hispanic gangs such as the Latin Kings as well as MS-13 have been known to frequent the Woolner Apartments as well.”  If you want to read more, click here.

I am shocked that there was gang activity. It’s funny how your world is so small when you’re a child, and you see what you want to see and nothing else.  Jane Street.  Woolner Ave.  I don’t think I will be going back there anytime soon.

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Insert Swear Word Here

So, they want us to write about our favourite childhood meal!  I am not sure why they think everyone has wonderful memories from their stupid childhood.  My mother was an abusive bitch and my father was emotionally unavailable.

There is nothing in my childhood that makes me happy.  The only good memories that I have as a child is  it’s over!

I guess everyone assumes because their childhood was great that everyone else had the same experience.  All I remember about food is that my mother would force me to eat shit that I never wanted to eat.  She got it in her head for some reason that I should fucking eat celery and peanut butter.

All I remember is being forced to sit at that damn table and eat that shit.  All I remember is the fucking tears running down my face as this crazy shit ass woman, was in my face telling me to eat this celery and peanut butter crap!

She must have seen this shit on television or something.  Some brilliant idea that I must feed this to my unsuspecting child and if she don’t like it, fuck her, she will sit there till the cows come home.

You know what mom? I don’t buy that shit in my house. I don’t freaking buy peanut butter or freaking celery! And I don’t force my innocent children to eat shit they don’t want to. Hell, I don’t remember seeing you cobble down celery and peanut butter.

So there!


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It’s All About Perspectives

A man and a woman walk through the park together, holding hands. They pass an old woman sitting on a bench. The old woman is knitting a small, red sweater. The man begins to cry. Write this scene.

Perspective 1

The old woman watches as the couple walk  by as the man cries, pulling his hand away and covering his face.  The woman doesn’t say anything, but continues to walk as if nothing is happening.

The old woman sits and watches the couple in a distance.

The man stops walking and says something to the woman.  The woman looks at him and shakes her head.  She continues to walk but the man stops her by putting his hand on her shoulder.

The old woman doesn’t want to stare, so she pretends to knit her sweater.  The old woman watches the couple for a few minutes. The man is talking to the woman and crying and the woman is just staring at him and not saying anything.

The old woman shakes her head at the couple and wishes that she had brought her hearing aid with her so she would be able to hear what they were arguing about.  It seemed that these young people these days, were always arguing about something.

Perspective 2

I yank my hand away from Sara’s. I don’t understand how she can act like nothing is wrong with this whole situation.  She has always been like that.  Calm in the storm.

We continue walking and I know that old lady on the bench is probably watching us now, but I am so angry that I don’t even care to make a scene.  I glance over at Sara and her expression hasn’t changed.

The woman has just told me the most horrible news and she is acting like she just told me she got some milk from the grocery store.

I stop walking and I stop her in her tracks by touching her shoulder.  Sara stops walking and looks at me.  “Are you not afraid? Are you not upset? Are you not mad at the universe?”

Sara looks at me, there is a tear that has fallen on her cheeks.  She shakes her head, “What good would that do me?”

“I don’t know,  Sara.  Maybe it would show me you care!”  I say to her under my breath.

Perspective 3

Stan and I just passed the old lady on the bench.  She gave me a little wink and I couldn’t help but smile back.  It was a bit awkward to smile while your husband was crying,  but there was no reason to be angry anymore.

I just told Stan what has been going on for the last few months.  I was hoping that when I told him the truth, it would be with us being thankful that it was all behind us.

My doctor told me that I had to tell Stan myself or he was going to.   Stan let go of my hand and continued to cry.  I couldn’t feel anything, it was his time to grieve.  I had already done that.

“How much time?”  Stan asked me.

“A few months….” I began but trailed off. “I don’t want to focus on that, I have so much I want to do.”

Stan stopped me gently by placing his hand on my shoulder.  He always does that when he wants my undivided attention.  He looked so crushed, so small and so alone.  I couldn’t bear to look at him.

“Are you not afraid? Are you not upset? Are you not mad at the universe?” Stan asked me.

I wasn’t even sure what to say.  I was all of those things.  I was afraid to die.  I was afraid of the cancer in my breast.  I was upset. I was angry! I was mad at God.  But none of those things changed the fact that I had cancer and that I was dying.

I was more sad for my husband, who was standing in front of me crying because he valued my life and me so much.   I know how lucky I was to have  a man who loved me for so many years of my life.

I continued walking and took hold of my husband’s hand in mine.  It was so beautiful out today that I wanted to enjoy it with Stan before it was too late.

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Blue Shirt vs Pink Shirt

Both mother’s sat across from each other.  They were both called to the school because their children had been suspended.

The mother in the blue looked quickly at her cell phone, she was checking the time.

The mother in the pink shirt was upset that her son was suspended and couldn’t wait to speak with the principal about this problem.  It must be this new kid that he is hanging out with.

“I hope that I can see the principal soon.  I have to get back to work and I am already late” the mother in the blue says.

“Your daughter is beautiful” the mother in blue says. “What daycare does she go to, my friend is looking for a reputable daycare provider.  She seems so happy.”

“My children do not go to daycare.  I stay at home with them”  the mom in the pink shirt said.  She was annoyed to be talking to this woman about her children.  She felt that these working moms thought badly of her.

“Oh” the mother in blue responded.  “I wish I could stay home with my kids too.  When I have a day off from work and I stay home for one day, I really enjoy it.  My youngest son, always cries when I drop him off at the babysitter.”

“Then why do you work? Why don’t you stay home with your children.  I would never let anyone watch my kids all day.  It’s like they are raising them.  I couldn’t do it” the mother in pink said.  “It must be hard to be a single mother.”

“I am not a single mother.  My husband and I are still together”  the mother in blue said.  “I think its presumptuous of you to think that because I work I am a single mother….”

“No….I don’t know why I said it.  I mean, if you don’t have to work then why work, I would just stay home with my kids….”

“Your sitting there judging me as a bad person because I work.  I don’t work because I have to.  I work because I want to, because I worked hard to get my career off the ground.  I work because I love to and I don’t want to sit at home all day long raising children.”

“It’s not easy to raise children.  It’s hard work too.”

“I never once said it was easy.  I am a mother.  I may just be a part-time mother to you, but never the less I am a mother.  I know its hard to raise children.  I have to do your job and work my full-time job in one day.”

“My husband makes good money.  I don’t have to work.”

“My husband is probably your boss” the working mother said.  “Our house is probably bigger than yours.  Our bank account probably triples yours and we probably could afford a nanny but we don’t.”

“It’s not about saving money.  I just like staying home. with my children.”

“Well I think there is more to life than having children” working mother replied.  “How about self fulfillment?”

“I get fulfilment in watching my kids grow and being there for first moments.  Why would you have children if you don’t feel fulfilled by them?”

“But your children should not complete you” the working mom replied.   “You should find fulfillment in yourself.”

“I am nothing without my children.”

“I am nothing without my career.”

Both mother’s looked at each other and didn’t say another word to each other.  After each mom met with the principal and was told that their boys would be suspended for breaking the school rules, they went their separate ways.

The working mom walked quickly to her car and cursed under her breath because she was due back at work about an hour ago.

The stay at home mom got into her car and started to drive home.

When the  mom in the blue shirt got back to work, she grabbed the clip board, threw on her scrub and went to check on the patient that was just brought in by ambulance.  The woman was hit by a drunk driver and from what the report said, she may not survive.

The working mom drew the curtain back and went in room where this woman was brought in and put on life support.  “Does she have a family? Have they been contacted?”

The nurse nodded yes and left the room.

The working mom walked over to the bed, she hated these moments. “Holy crap” she whispered.

The mother in pink was crying, the pain was terrible, “save me please, the boys need me,” she reached up and touched working mom’s arm.

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