Tag Archives: dating

We Should have been Eighty

I met my ex when I was twenty five years old through a mutual friend who thought that we would be the perfect couple. I don’t know if we were the perfect couple, but we were perfect for each other for the time we shared.

From the moment we met we were inseparable. We grew up together and most of our life experiences and mistakes were a team effort. I always knew that no matter what was happening outside the walls of our home, there was always a soft place I could fall back on.

I remember the first day I met him. I had just picked my two children up from daycare and had been waiting by the entrance of the school doors for my friend, Janet and her boyfriend John to give us a drive home.

I noticed him right away, as he stood there facing me. We made eye contact but neither of us said anything. He slowly slid down the wall, into a stooping position. He was cute and his eyes were intriguing.

My youngest son has always been a very sociable child from the moment he was born. I used to worry constantly about someone kidnapping him because he would go up to strangers and become their best friend. My son walked slowly over to this man that was standing there, and plopped himself on his lap. He began to touch his face and began a conversation.

I watched the exchange between the two new found friends and both seemed to disappear into their own world. This stranger and I exchanged a few friendly glances at each other.

Janet and John pulled up in the car outside. I told my son to say good bye to his friend and I grabbed both of my children’s hands and pushed the door open and headed to the car. As I looked back I saw this stranger following us to the car.

John got out of the car and he and the man, began to talk as me and the kids piled into the vehicle.  This stranger had been waiting for Janet and John to give him a ride home.

As the kids and I got out of the vehicle and said bye to everyone, I would never had imagined that I would fall in love with this man and spend the next sixteen years with him.

My friend Janet went to work on arranging a date for us the very next day.  She began to tell me about the man I had sat next to in the car the night before. He was an ex fire fighter and was new to town.  Finally, I told Janet that he was cute and that “he could put my fire out anytime.”

At break time, Janet went outside and I sat at my desk trying to catch up on my work since she had talked my ear off for about an hour. Janet returned from her break and plopped herself down next to me with a grin on her face.

She had told him what I had said to her earlier and I could hear the excitement in her voice. I turned to face her, with a twinge of irritation. I demanded to know why she would go tell him what I said. I told her I told her that as a joke and felt embarrassed.

Janet then told me that, “he thinks your cute too!” I looked at her for what seemed like hours and turned back to the computer I had been busy looking at. I thought about what she had just said to me with a little bit of relief, but still humiliated that I may have to run into him one day. I had no real dating experience or strong relationships with any man I had ever met. My children’s father was the only real boyfriend I had and I was twenty-five years old.

A week later I sat across the man I had met in the hallway of school waiting for a ride home.  We both looked at each other and said a silent hello.  He ate his fries and I sipped my pop.  We never knew that our journey would take us over close to two decades.

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I’ll be okay. Is this what you wanted me to say?

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I watch way too much television and Hollywood movies.   I need to stop.  I need to remind myself that television shows and movies are written by people with ambitious hearts and wild imaginations.

I want that fairytale romance, where the man looks me into my eyes and right away we both know it was meant to be.  You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that there is nothing in the world that you want more than spending the rest of your life with this person? And you know by the way he looks at you across the crowded room, that he feels the same way.  I haven’t found that look yet and I don’t have that feeling yet.

But who doesn’t want a story like the Notebook?  Who doesn’t want that epic love story about the most perfect couple, that defied all odds and stayed in love? But I need to remind myself that I am not Allie and he is not Noah.  There is no running into each other’s arms, because I don’t think either of us are ready to do that.

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I think I know what I want from a relationship.  I want a man that is romantic, and sends me flowers at work because he was thinking about me and wanted to remind me how much I mean to him.   I want a man that will call me on a Friday afternoon and tell me that he made reservations for us out of town and that he had arranged a babysitter for my kids, all I had to do was pack my bags and be ready to drive off into the sunset with him. I want a man who looks at me and I can see that I am important  to him.

I need the star shine of your heavenly eyes, after the day’s great sun.” – Charles Hanson Towne

The man I have been seeing has a kind heart, he makes me laugh, he doesn’t pressure me to be someone else, he thinks I am funny, he likes my sarcasm.  We can sit  in the same room in total silence, each doing what we want and totally be comfortable doing it, with no pressures to entertain one another.  I like that I can let my guard down with someone I haven’t known for long. He likes me how I am, a little messed up, a little distrustful, with a lot of passion and affection.  I can totally be the person I am, without the pressures  of working tirelessly to change.  Something, I did not have in my last relationship.

 He is not perfect.  His heart has been broken and he doesn’t trust me nor trust himself with me.   He says he doesn’t make plans, he lives day to day and I am not sure what he means by that.  Is this an easy cop out so he does not have to commit to me or to a relationship.  Did making plans with someone in his past teach him never to plan for the future because people just disappoint you? I know that I have learned the same lesson at some point in my life.  People don’t always tell you that they don’t want the life you both had planned together.

Is it up to me to show him that I am worth the risk, that I am not and will never be the women he dated before me.  I don’t like the woman he dated before me.  They have made  this hard for me.  I am left to clean up the mess they made and the vibes I am getting is this mess is huge.  I don’t know the details and I don’t think I want to.  What I know is that he mentioned something about loyalty, change and emotions and I figured it was best not to ask any more questions.

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He keeps me at arms length most of the time. I have a suspicion I am doing the same too.  It seems neither of us trusts the other with our hearts.  It feels pathetic and somewhat passionate at times, that the more we try to persuade our hearts not to get involved with each other, the more we want each other.  We both want a relationship, but on our terms only. It seems like the most perfect love story, heartbreaking and exhilarating all at the same time.

Most people would tell me to walk away from this relationship, there is nothing tying us together, we don’t have any children together, we haven’t been seeing each other long enough, the break will be clean, I won’t even miss him.  But then, I will only do what the man before him did, walk away from the potential that with a bit of hard work, things can work out.  I don’t like giving up on people and I don’t like people giving up on me.

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I know that he has thought of walking away too.  There are days where he goes silent and where his conversations with me are short.  And I let him slowly push me away,  because maybe it would be easier for me if he decided for both of us this isn’t what we want.  I close my eyes and pray that we both can slowly fade out of each other’s lives and keep the little time we had together, hidden beneath the scars in our hearts.

Then we miss each other and someone caves in and reaches out to connect and restart this painful but sometimes perfect journey back into each other’s lives.  Is this enough for me to stay?  I am his girl and he is my boy and for now, I think we are ok with this.  I just don’t know who will cave in this time…..

DATING A YOUNGER MAN

I put myself on the dating market in the last few months.  I haven’t been really committed to finding someone to share my life with.  I have been selfish and like that I live alone, I can date who I want and I can take my time and not rush into anything that has to do with my heart.

The men in my age group are beginning to look much older than they should.  I am not sure why some men feel that when they hit a certain age it is no longer important that their appearances matter.  It does matter and I am not drawn to a man who has let himself go.

Younger men are naturally drawn to me. The last man I was romantically interested in when my relationship ended and I was on the rebound, was twelve years younger.  His enthusiasm for life was exhilarating and consuming.  He had so many dreams he wanted to fulfill.  He also taught me a thing or two in many departments.

Many people would not believe it but he understood where I was at that time in my life.  He was the first man I had been sexually active with in 16 years. He understood my heart was lonely and I had no idea where I was headed and how I would get there.  He knew my feelings still ran deep for my ex partner and he was just a bump on the road.

The romantic feelings fizzled out between us.   He lived about eight hours away, so that did not help to maintain our relationship.  We both needed to grow up emotionally and it would never work out between us.  To this day,  we still send each other random messages to see where we are in our journey.  He is now dating and seems to be in love with a woman his age.  I am happy that he found love, even if it took him down the path of hooking up with an older woman.

Right now, another younger man has his sights on me.  The age difference isn’t so dramatic and I am not so lost anymore.  He thinks I am the funniest person ever and I love that I can put a smile on his face.   I have tried to squash his enthusiasm in this relationship, but he just won’t have any of that.  His energy for life is a definite match for what I am looking for.

Some days, I feel that I have found bliss and the momentum drives me to see what this crazy journey will entail.  Other days, I find myself reverting back to my old behaviours of questioning his intentions, analyzing his words or lack of them and trying my best not to let my heart get involved.

There are no rules out there for men who find themselves attracted to women who may have been learning to drive for the first time while they were still in diapers.   This is what I have learned from being a cougar(so to speak) and having a cub:

  1.  Do not tell her she looks good for her age.  What did you expect, her to walk in the restaurant with a cane and a life alert bracelet.

  2.  Yes, we may have children and they are part of the package.  You won’t be her top priority.  Being spontaneous takes a backseat to homework, teenage angst and making lunches.

  3. We are at our sexual peak and we know what we like and do not like in the bedroom.  We can teach you a thing or two.  We may have tried it, created it,  or considered it.

  4.  We have our own lives and we do not need your approval to do what we want when we want to.  Period!

  5.  We don’t want you as our Facebook friend.  It’s mysterious and refreshing to know that we don’t need to monitor what we  say. And we don’t have time to like all your status updates.  Even if it is about us.

  6. We have gotten this far without you.  We have relationships behind out.  We have had our hearts broken and we know about difficult times. We won’t fall apart without you, but its nice to know your in our corner cheering us on.

  7. We can make you a better man.  We know about dreams we didn’t follow or goals we didn’t set.  If we care about you, we want you to be the best you can be.

  8.  We won’t change to appease you.  We know how to make decisions and we have our own opinions.  We won’t try to change you either, we already tried it or considered doing it in our last relationships.  We have learned, you can’t change anyone.

  9.  We know all the tricks, we heard all the lines and we can see right though you.  So be on your best behaviour at all times.

  10.  We know people will have lots to say about your relationship.  Do not let their judgements sway how you feel.  Some relationships last and some don’t.  It’s never about the number of years between you.  Just enjoy the journey, you may regret it one day.

 

 

Online Dating….

Well, I have finally succumbed to the mysterious world of online dating.  I created myself a profile a few nights ago, because it was either I get a bunch of cats or I try out this dating thing after 16 years off the market.  It’s still early to make an intellectual analysis of meeting people online, but I can say it’s pretty tricky to pick the liars out from those who are telling the truth.  I have heard of people finding their true love online and relationships do work out, its not all bad.

We are all so busy with our lives, that its so hard to meet people who share the same interests as you do. I have a method already, I am not sure if it will work in the long term.  Before I read a message from anyone, I check out the profile, I scroll down to see what they like to do for in their spare time, I match up my own interests with theirs, then I decide, if a response is a waste of both our times.  Sometimes, I respond because I am bored and need entertainment.  Most times, I roll my eyes at the stupidity that I read.  My biggest bone, is grammar.  Please people, use capital letters, use periods, use grammar!  Nothing bothers me more.

Well, I am giving it a try and I will be able to judge for myself.  Maybe, I will find someone who will surprise me, maybe my true love is out there somewhere, in the World Wide Web…..I will let you know.  Who knows how this new adventure will turn out.

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