Box Up Your Dreams And Wait For A Miracle

Over the course of the past two years, I have gained many lessons on love, life and relationships.

It’s been over a year since I officially became a single mother.  The first year that I separated from my ex, we parented our children together.  My cheating asshole ex provided financially for his children and never complained about doing it.  He also would help me with things that I couldn’t do on my own.  We still remained partners and parents.

We would try our best to make amends in our relationship, but for some reason we couldn’t get past all the ways that we had hurt each other over the years. We tried to remain friends, after all we were each other’s best friend for 16 years. We couldn’t stop pointing fingers at each other.

In year two of our separation, my cheating asshole ex met the woman he is now dating.  A woman who has slung racist comments towards me.   A woman who accuses me of being “greedy” and wanting child support.  A woman who sat in family court and winked at me, believing the break up of my family and the ongoing battle between my ex and I were some joke.

My ex is now verbally abusive and intimidating.  He also got lost in a world of booze and drugs and no longer cares about anything else. My ex has lost a job making $100 grand annually, to being unemployed.

My ex has moments of regret where he would apologize to me for all the mistakes he made.  These lucid moments do not last very long and when his new girlfriend is around his mean streak is over powering.

It was in this year that I became a single mother and where I mark our separation.  It was no longer a team effort on our part, but rather me a single person left to raise two other human beings.

I guess nothing lasts forever and I still struggle with the idea that my family is broken and will never be the same.  I feel anger because I want my children to be raised in a two parent home, but I know that this will never happen and I am left to sort out all these emotions on my own.

I do miss my ex, because he represented what I thought a family should be.  I miss that I knew or I thought I knew what the next few years would look like.  I thought it would be him and I against the world.

I have been struggling with the idea that my relationship is over.  Maybe it’s because our anniversary of breaking up has come and passed.  Maybe its the one year mark, since I had to drag my once caring, supportive, loving partner and father into a courtroom to pay child support.

Maybe it’s because I was going in front of the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board and I felt so damn alone and wanted him there. Maybe it’s because he should be there and he has chosen not to be.

I usually get tired of dealing with so many emotions on my own. So I put them on the doorstep of my friend.  I didn’t have to go on and explain to her the relationship ending or how lonely I was feeling.  She gets it.

My friend told me that he probably does not have any insight into the depth of the impact his leaving has on me and our family.  She went on to tell me that I was probably a reminder of his own shortcomings, he  knew he wasn’t good enough for me and when he looked at me, he was reminded that he was flawed and that I was  so much more together than he was.  Finally, she said that he found somebody who could look up to him and make him feel better about himself.

What my friend had to say about our relationship, made me feel more alone but at the same time, I understood.  It does make a bit of sense, because he was always telling me that I deserved better or I was better off.  If only this man knew that having a broken family and a broken heart, is not better off.

I don’t know if I could fall in love with another man.  There is trouble on the horizon with the man I am currently dating.  I don’t know if I could fall passionately in love with him as I loved my ex.  Maybe the fact that I am pulling away from my boyfriend is that I may be totally falling hard for him and it scares me.  Or maybe I am fearful I am settling because I was want so badly to be in love.

I don’t know.  I still believe in love. I still want to fall in love, be loved and stay in love.

I think I still am in love, but it is not with the man I am dating. I feel horrible about this fact.

Relationships are like fruit, once it goes bad you have to throw it out.  Can it be salvaged? You could eat a rotten apple or swishy orange but it just won’t taste the same.

At the end of the day, you have to throw out the old fruit and replace it with new fruit.  I guess the same can be said for relationships.

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5 thoughts on “Box Up Your Dreams And Wait For A Miracle”

  1. It’s very difficult to accept that your family isn’t going to look the way you thought t would. We all want the best possible family for our children. Although I’m still married, I thought that when my kids grew up, got married and had their own children (as my oldest son has done) that my sisters and brothers would be part of our knives, that they would know my grandchildren. I’m going to have to let go of that dream.

    And falling in love is so scary. Especially after you’ve been hurt badly. There are different kinds of love and sometimes you choose a more stable, reliable kind of love because it’s what you need at that time.

    I think it’s very hard to sort out your own feelings sometimes.

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