I became a victim of a crime in 1985. I never knew the offenders who changed my life but for 29 years we lived in close quarters of guilt and shame. I lived and breathed everything about these men because they took my childhood innocence away.
At the age of 41, I went to see a therapist because I felt that it was my fault that my sixteen year relationship had failed. We talked for a few sessions about the relationship and how I ended up sitting in his office.
After a few sessions I quietly mention that I want to talk about something that happened to me when I was 12. He asks me if I would feel better talking to a female therapist.
My new counsellor leans in to listen to what I say. At first my voice is very quiet almost a whisper as I tell her that I was raped by two men then molested by a babysitter. I tell her that my mother never believed me.
She doesn’t flinch she looks right at me as if she has heard my story before.
She makes me walk through the events of my rape several times. What was the weather like, what did I see and what did I smell. I was able to tell her all these things and I remembered things about that day that I had thought I had long time buried.
The more I told it to my therapist, the more louder my voice became. I felt stronger. I was no longer this 12 year old victim but I was a 41 year old survivor who was telling her story.
I wasn’t angry at these men for hurting me anymore. They held me captive for over 30 years and I was so tired of being owned by a situation that happened so very long ago
In less than three days, I go before the Criminal Compensation Board for Victims of Crime and I get to tell my story to a panel of people who can give me justice in this case. Financial justice.
I don’t know how I will feel on that day but I assume I will be very nervous. Will they believe me? What will they ask me? How will I feel? Is this the closure I will need to finally move on?