It’s 6am in the morning and I have been contemplating since last night what I should write for my first assignment for Blogging 101. The first assignment was to tell my story about why I am blogging and to introduce myself to the Blogging 101 community. I had already done that on two occasions.
I started blogging in September 2013 when my relationship ended. I was very angry and I wanted the world to know how I felt. I wanted my ex to come across my blog one day and see how much he had hurt me. Maybe he would care. I introduced myself as a newly separated black woman with an ex who had done the unthinkable. He was unfaithful.
I took some time off from writing and blogging as I made a very lame attempt of trying to get this man back in my life. I really missed him. I was stuck in the past with the wonderful memories we had. I just wanted my old life back as quickly as I had lost it.
Then I woke up and asked myself why I was trying so hard to get someone to love me again. It just didn’t seem fair to me. So, after four months of almost losing my dignity, I came back to WordPress and reread my first initial blog entries.
I could not believe what I had read. I was that bitter jilted ex lover, you hear about in books, in movies and on television. I did not want to be this person. I was not this person. I continued reading and the more I read, the more those old feelings came back to me. Rejection, humiliation, devastation and pain. I no longer wanted to feel like that.
I wasn’t sure if I should leave my old blogs out there for the world to see. I spoke with a friend about what I had written in September 2013 and what he thought I should do with those blogs. He told me, that those stories were part of this journey, part of my healing and part of of my growth. He told me to leave them up, as they were, unedited and raw. I agreed.
So I left my first stories that were thrown into blogsphere exactly where they had fallen. As I began to recreate myself on WordPress(I no longer wanted to be identified as the jilted ex lover), my stories were funnier, had more depth and emotion(good ones). I did not want to be connected to how I felt back in September 2013. I am no longer that person. It’s my ex’s fault he lost a good woman and he will have to live with that decision for the rest of his life. I decided that I would not delete my initial blogs, I would make them private, just for me and for whomever, I chose to share my story with.
Maybe they will make it into my book that I want to publish. Maybe they will forever stay private. Who knows at this point. Time will tell. I am not done healing yet. They say if you can tell your story without crying, then you know you are healed. I don’t cry anymore. However, I still feel that knot in my stomach when I think about him, about us and about the plans we had made.
So what began as a personal diary has now become a lifelong dream. I want to be a published author. I want t o inspire people. I want my “voice” to be heard.
So, keep reading I am not done yet.